Passive aggression, anyone?

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Enough people have told me that I'm passive aggressive that I believe it. When I stop and think about it, it's exactly my style. People see it as being some secretive, evil plan that I work out, but it mostly has to do with the fact that I hate conflict, especially fruitless conflict. If arguing with someone is productive in a situation, I'll be "regular" aggressive. If I know that arguing won't change anything, or I just don't care that much about the outcome, I'll say nothing.

I wasn't born this way. It's the result of years of dealing with people, observing the results I get, and refining my behavior. It's efficient. I reason that whatever rift develops between me and someone else because I don't express my displeasure all the time is about the same as if I did do so. That said, I think I'll try being more confrontational in my next relationship, and see if things turn out any differently.

i do it all the time. my reasoning is pretty much the same too. no reason to argue if its going to be pointless.

the face i produce usually only appears when i am pretty pissed at something, so i prob should exert some kind of more overt reaction, but i don't.

tend to do this more and more though.

I have passive aggressive tendencies.

It's all part of what I think is avoidant personality disorder.

I don' think it's bad though... unless it goes overboard.

Last edited by Pugly on 10 Aug 2007, 2:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I am. Try and make this clear to people I'm with.

I'm usually not, but I definitely deal in a lot of repressed anger.

In my understanding, passive aggressiveness refers largely to cases where you take out repressed anger indirectly; as in "I'm not going to argue about what our daughter's curfew should be, I'm reasonable and quiet. And I think it should be your job to change the kitty litter box too." I believe I usually manage to avoid that.

However, I've been trying to figure out what to do with my repressed anger, which, after all, isn't very socially acceptable or even pleasant to experience. . . . blogged about it recently, hoping people would have suggestions, but no bites. If anyone has ideas, please share.

Isn’t calling someone 'passive aggressive' actually passive aggressive?

Don't get too bogged down in these terms or you'll develop a complex. People are defensively aggressive or indirectly aggressive all the time it is still aggression. Repressed anger can lead to anxiety and depression.

You might well be angry. I was. I wasn’t really aware that I was unusually angry. My shrink pointed it out to me. But really I had good reason to be angry. I just needed some kind of outlet for it. So I started going to martial arts. That has helped a lot.

Jainaday,

I think I'm probably the same way. I actually get really irritated by passive aggression and indirectness in general. I'm trying to teach myself to be more aware of when I feel angry and using meditation to desensitize myself to the feeling without disharging it, and trying to notice when I start going in circles in my head about something that happened.

Hmn. . .

I meditate, and I think I'm pretty aware of myself. In fact, I think I have pretty good control over how I express my anger- exceptions being from time to time when I'm very tired, stressed out, and so forth- but even then, it's mostly a matter of snapping at people or making obnoxious comments I'm not quite fully aware of. Usually it just focuses inward, till. . well, tell we get all the problems that are me. Most of them, anyway.

The trouble is, anger is a legitimate emotion; at it's root, it's a passionate impulse to change what's wrong. . . but it's so easy for it to get misdirected.

And I don't think it's possible that I could ever actively, usefully express the depth and breadth of my desire to change things- possibly over the course of several lifetimes, if I were not to accumulate more.

But- to diffuse it, just try to make it go away- even if such a thing would work, could it be right?

I just don't know. . . at all.

What are the signatures of passive aggressive behavior and the folks who've learned to operate in this indirectly aggressive way? Persons who act in passive aggressive ways do some of the following:

*Have difficulty saying no to persons viewed as authorities. In seeming to outwardly comply with requests, the passive aggressive person will procrastinate, leave work undone, obstruct, do an insular job, do what was not requested, misplace, or "forget" to perform the requested tasks. When asked about their problem with delivering, the person with passive aggression is likely to make excuses, blame, or become sullen while claiming only good intentions.

*Often feels put upon, controlled, pressured, and victimized.

*Frequently is involved in fibbing, omitting information, or lying to avoid direct confrontation.

*Prone to "cheating" and being found out in long-term relationships and marriages.

*Often has challenges paying bills in a timely manner and may have a poor credit history.

*Likely has a history of poor interpersonal relationships where friends and partners are frustrated by indirectness and passive aggressive behaviors.

*Will make dates and stand people up.

*May be in denial about passive aggressive behaviors, claiming only good intentions.

*Are frequently in trouble in work situations for excessive tardiness and incomplete tasks.

*Have high rates of somatic complaints and headaches.

*May abuse alcohol and substances.

*Have a higher incidence of depression.

*In relationships may complain about partners to third parties instead of discussing issues directly with their partners.

*Chronically "forgets" to do important tasks whether for self or others.

*Claim to "do too much" for others.

*Giving a yes when actually meaning no.

*Submissive on the surface.

*Attempts to block or frustrate others (With underlying anger).

*Seeding conflict between others and gossiping.

*Giving mixed signals: unclear yes and no's.

*Criticalness, subtle denigration, leaking hurtful information, sarcasm.

*Complaining about bosses, authorities, teachers, spouses behind their backs.

*Denial of emotions.

*Holding back on important information.

*Hunting for negative traits to avoid intimacy.

*Lack of commitment.

*Arguments and temper tantrums coming out of nowhere.

*Withholds important information.

*Wavering on courses of action.

*Angry about being powerless, yet not able to assert this.

*Sensitive about having requests made to them.

*Often lagging in education and careers.

*Fearful of being disliked.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY CLUSTER

*People take advantage of my giving nature.
*I do "too much" for others.
*People are angry with me for no good reason.
*Some people want to use me and care nothing about me.
*I forget sometimes, doesn't everyone?
*I must do it my way or I lose all respect.
*I hate being told what to do or being pressured.
*I'll lose respect if I give in.
*I'll do this in my own time. I'm in no hurry--screw them.
*I hate deadlines. They can wait.
*Being angry isn't me--I won't give in.
*I'm not a conformist--I refuse to be another brick in the wall.
*I know I promised, but things came up.
*People try real hard to control and dominate me. Not.
*I'm nothing if I let others take advantage of me.
*It's easier to fib than to get in a possible argument. They always win anyway.
*Others put too many demands on me.
*No one dominates me.
*They have no right to be upset with me--I really tried.
*Do not lecture me.
*Authorities demand too much and interfere too much.
*I must be approved and accepted, but not controlled or dominated.
*Bosses, lovers, teachers are always trying to get over, get the most out of me. They can wait.

Approaches to handling passive aggressive behavior:

*It's very important to become aware of thoughts, feelings (Especially anger), and behaviors leading up to passive aggression. Denial plays a part in passive aggression. It's important to take full responsibility for this behavior and not blame it on others. "I wouldn't procrastinate if others didn't pressure me."

*Learning direct and assertive behavior is very important here. Practicing direct and assertive behavior until it becomes a habit.

Jainaday,

I'm with you. I don't think it would be very good to get rid of anger entirely. It fills a need. And it can let us know we're dissatisfied with something.

There are some ways suggested to express anger that I find very unhelpful, those that are really embracing the aggressive element of it like punching a pillow. I like to use physical exertion (e.g. walking) but that's not always a possibility, and now that I live in the city, sometimes it only makes me more uncomfortable to go out and do that. It also helps me if I have a mindless task I can get absorbed in, something dull and repetitive like cleaning. Writing helps but sometimes only makes me feel worse. I think I might try something new and attempt to transform my very egocentric anger into a global concern for other people who've been harmed and then find some way to manifest that concern. Half the time when I'm angry about something I try to remember that the other person is who they are because of their life experiences and their genetic makeup, and they're as much a victim as I am, but that's a bit different. Now I've gotta figure out how to globalize my annoyance at the sound of my neighbor's tv interrupted a couple times a day by very loud music.

Passive aggressive people do things such as promise to meet you at a particular time and then either not show up or arrive really late or they promise to do something for year and then find endless excuses not to do it. By the time they get around to it, it's really too late.

The more I'm seeing here,
the less it sounds like me.

I just do the cold shoulder thing.

Well, and if someone REALLY angers
me, I'm unlikely to confront them, but
might just plot some revenge. Usually
not acted on.

Now you understand why we asked you in all incredulity " what do you MEAN 'what is the problem with being passive aggressive?"

glad to see you don't have this issue to bear and strive against, Calendale.

Merle

Well, people always call me such.

I don't ever stand up people, show up late, or fail to deliver on promises. Reading all of the traits listed in the previous posts, I probably identify with half of them. The thing is, I can't really identify aggression in myself that easily. Unless someone pulls something really obnoxious on me, it's subtle. In regard to acting passive aggressive, from my point of view, I'm simply trying to let annoying situations die. Other people have a different perspective.