Really confused

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Joined: 13 Mar 2022
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 105
Location: UK

13 Mar 2022, 7:59 am

Hi. I'm really struggling. I met someone online and we've had 7 dates so far which is the most I've ever had since a relationship ended 7 years ago. But my emotions are all messed up and I can't trust them. I wasn't sure on the first date but we have a lot of similar interests so I thought we'd meet up again. On the second I felt quite attracted to him. The third felt totally flat and I just wanted to get away as I was scared he'd make a move. Dates 4, 5 and 6 were good - lots in common, good discussion, by date 6 I even started to feel there would be more between us. Then date 7 which was at my place and I freaked out and shut down. I was terrified he would touch me which he didn't as he clearly sensed I didn't want it. It was very awkward and embarrassing. He wants more with me but I don't know anymore. I feel like I just want to be on my own but at the same time I miss a relationship. I have no idea what my emotions are saying or if I find him attractive, whether there's chemistry. How do people know? I like spending time with him but I have no idea anymore what I want. I struggle with physical illness which doesn't help as I'm so tired and can't walk far. I'm really scared that my emotions are messed up and not reliable and I don't know how I can tell what I want from this. Any thoughts welcome.

P.S My previous relationships all lacked emotional connection - they were either based on sex or there wasn't any chemistry. I get on with this guy and feel an emotional connection but I don't know if there's chemistry. It all feels too much

Mona Pereth
Veteran
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Joined: 11 Sep 2018
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,811
Location: New York City (Queens)

13 Mar 2022, 10:54 am

Reikistar wrote:

"Chemistry" is a vague term. Generally it refers to the overall combination of sexual attraction, emotional connection, and general mutual liking. If you "don't know if there's chemistry," I would suggest that you stop worrying about "chemistry" and focus more on the following more-specific questions instead:

1) Why were you scared of being touched by him? Do you have a general sensory issue with being touched (or at least with being touched in certain ways), or is it a problem specific to him, or a problem specific to your relationship with him? Or was it something else entirely, like just being caught in a vicious cycle of awkwardness, embarrassment, and confusion?
2) Do you sense anything seriously BAD about him?
3) Is he a generally good person? Are his ethical values compatible with yours?
4) Are his daily habits compatible with yours?

As for your difficulty identifying your own emotions, are you seeing a therapist about this? Such difficulties, also known as alexithymia, are a common problem among autistic people.

As for whether you're attracted to him, you did say you felt very attracted to him on the second date. So it looks to me like you are indeed attracted to him, but your attraction may have gotten overwhelmed by other emotions that may or may not have anything directly to do with him. Do you think that's correct?

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Reikistar
Raven
Raven

Joined: 13 Mar 2022
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 105
Location: UK

13 Mar 2022, 11:14 am

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

1. I'm not sure why the fear of being touched by him. I don't have a fear of sex per se, or at least didn't before. I don't have bad experiences in that area. I think it might be specific to him. I have a fear of commitment and being suffocated in a relationship as I need a lot of time alone so my fear of being touched might be due to think once he touches me, that's it, no going back. Sensory issues may come into it as I get overwhelmed easily and it feels too much. I can go into shutdown which I think happened this time.
2. No I don't sense anything bad about him. He's a good person, very kind, respectful, sensitive.
3. He is generally a good person and we have a lot in common.
4. Yes see above.

That's interesting about the difficulty identifying emotions. I am seeing a therapist but haven't mentioned it. I will do now.

You could be right about the attraction which then become clouded by other issues. I really don't know what to do except give it more time but I don't want to hurt him either.

Mona Pereth
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Joined: 11 Sep 2018
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,811
Location: New York City (Queens)

13 Mar 2022, 12:24 pm

Reikistar wrote:

1. I'm not sure why the fear of being touched by him. I don't have a fear of sex per se, or at least didn't before. I don't have bad experiences in that area. I think it might be specific to him. I have a fear of commitment and being suffocated in a relationship as I need a lot of time alone so my fear of being touched might be due to think once he touches me, that's it, no going back.

Perhaps you should consider the question of how you can have a committed relationship without being "suffocated"?

For example, if both people agree to it, it's possible to have a committed relationship in which the partners give each other more physical space than is customary, e.g. by sleeping in separate bedrooms most of the time.

On the other hand, I'm also wondering if you fear a commitment to monogamy. If so, perhaps you might want to read up on (consensual) polyamory.

Of course, it's far less likely that your boyfriend would be okay with polyamory than that he would be okay with separate bedrooms. Whatever solutions you come up with, you obviously need both yourself and your boyfriend to be comfortable with them, if you decide to keep the relationship.

(If you ever decide to explore polyamory, I recommend doing so in the context of the organized polyamory subculture, which has a body of lore on how to make poly relationships work. I myself am currently in a monogamous relationship but was poly when I was younger.)

Reikistar wrote:

Sensory issues may come into it as I get overwhelmed easily and it feels too much. I can go into shutdown which I think happened this time.

I would suggest getting as clear as possible (perhaps with the help of your therapist, if you have trouble articulating it) on exactly what your sensory issues are, and how they can be accommodated by your boyfriend.

Reikistar
Raven
Raven

Joined: 13 Mar 2022
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 105
Location: UK

18 Mar 2022, 10:20 am

I think the problem was not having the right chemistry with the guy. I was married many years ago and managed, albeit it wasn't the healthiest relationship for many reasons. Since then I've become set in my ways though and would struggle more living with someone, although maybe I could if it was the right person.

I've ended things with the guy I've been dating. He was nice, everything I wanted on paper, but there was no physical attraction. I know it's not everything but I need that in a relationship.

I was confused because he seemed perfect and I wanted it to work. I thought the problem was me but when I look back at other guys I've dated, there's definitely been more chemistry in a lot of cases.

Lesson learnt.

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