My case for arranged marriage
nick007
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Agreed.
In my opinion, the most important thing two people need to agree on is how to deal with disagreements. If they don't agree on that, then every disagreement will turn into a fight over how to deal with the disagreement, thereby blowing the original disagreement way out of proportion.
I agree for the most part.
IMO one of the biggest problems in Western culture is that a lot of people believe in "love at first sight," which IMO is an absolutely nonsensical concept. If you've just met someone, you can't possibly know much about them. Therefore, if you've just met someone, you can't possibly love that person. You can love only a very incomplete image of that person that you have in your head.
IMO, in order for a relationship to form, there needs to be something to draw the partners together initially, but that something does not need to be an emotionally intense attraction. It seems to me that if people place too high a value on initial emotional intensity ("butterflies"), then the relationship has nowhere to go but downhill as the people get to know each other better.
Cass recently compared our relationship to an arranged marriage. We were not able to spend much time together in person before we moved in with each other due to the distance. We only spent a couple weeks together in person a couple times but we chatted aLOT during that half a year. We did have LOTS of problems & bad fights at 1st due to our various issues & having to adjust to living with each other. We stuck things out cuz we majorly love each other & know our lives would s#ck even more without each other. We get along alot better than we used thou we still have some problems with each other.
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auntblabby
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Actually, as a south asian person myself, I would say the real reason those other ones didn't get divorced has nothing to do with the actual quality of the relationship, but more to do with their 'traditional values'. Chances are if they are going for an arranged marriage they are more likely to see divorce as taboo compared to the 'for love' guy, so even if the marriage is terrible, or they don't have feelings for each other and are more like housemates, they're still not going to get divorced.
My great grandmother got in an arranged marriage to her husband when she was 16 and he was in her 30s, and they had essentially never met. He beat his children horribly. She would never have divorced him - that would have been one of the very worst possible sins. Similarly, my uncle married his wife, whom he had barely met either, because my great grandfather essentially forced him to hurry up and get married. She was married off because she was terribly mentally ill/schizophrenic, and her family just wanted to get rid of her and figured she'd be ok if she got married.
They have been separated for years because the poor guy just isn't capable of being a one-man carer for a severely ill person. They don't love each other. But he still balks at the idea of actually getting a divorce.
Even now, my mother beats my father (who is not south asian but has similar religious values), but the idea of even separating from each other is, in both their minds, a sin they would go to hell for.
nick007
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Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Male
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Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA
My great grandmother got in an arranged marriage to her husband when she was 16 and he was in her 30s, and they had essentially never met. He beat his children horribly. She would never have divorced him - that would have been one of the very worst possible sins. Similarly, my uncle married his wife, whom he had barely met either, because my great grandfather essentially forced him to hurry up and get married. She was married off because she was terribly mentally ill/schizophrenic, and her family just wanted to get rid of her and figured she'd be ok if she got married.
They have been separated for years because the poor guy just isn't capable of being a one-man carer for a severely ill person. They don't love each other. But he still balks at the idea of actually getting a divorce.
Even now, my mother beats my father (who is not south asian but has similar religious values), but the idea of even separating from each other is, in both their minds, a sin they would go to hell for.
I sure know 1st hand that being a carer for a romantic partner with mental & physical issues can be tiring but she's also a carer for me since I have my own problems & issues & I'm sure that gets tiring for her as well sometimes. Not everyone is cut out for this kind of relationship that's for sure but we are both better people with each other than we'd be with most anyone else we could get & we both majorly love each other & we both recognize that the other is trying their best. Physical abuse should NOT be tolerated & I cant understand it but it may be very good that I cant.
_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
"Hear all, trust nothing"
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition
My great grandmother got in an arranged marriage to her husband when she was 16 and he was in her 30s, and they had essentially never met. He beat his children horribly. She would never have divorced him - that would have been one of the very worst possible sins. Similarly, my uncle married his wife, whom he had barely met either, because my great grandfather essentially forced him to hurry up and get married. She was married off because she was terribly mentally ill/schizophrenic, and her family just wanted to get rid of her and figured she'd be ok if she got married.
They have been separated for years because the poor guy just isn't capable of being a one-man carer for a severely ill person. They don't love each other. But he still balks at the idea of actually getting a divorce.
Even now, my mother beats my father (who is not south asian but has similar religious values), but the idea of even separating from each other is, in both their minds, a sin they would go to hell for.
Yeah, i was going to point this out.
Also, the love marriage likely didn't work out because the family may not have approved and meddled. In my parents culture, a lot of arranged marriages never end up in divorce because of the social embarrassment it would cause. I don't understand that.
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"A loaded gun won't set you free. So you say." - Ian Curtis
My great grandmother got in an arranged marriage to her husband when she was 16 and he was in her 30s, and they had essentially never met. He beat his children horribly. She would never have divorced him - that would have been one of the very worst possible sins. Similarly, my uncle married his wife, whom he had barely met either, because my great grandfather essentially forced him to hurry up and get married. She was married off because she was terribly mentally ill/schizophrenic, and her family just wanted to get rid of her and figured she'd be ok if she got married.
They have been separated for years because the poor guy just isn't capable of being a one-man carer for a severely ill person. They don't love each other. But he still balks at the idea of actually getting a divorce.
Even now, my mother beats my father (who is not south asian but has similar religious values), but the idea of even separating from each other is, in both their minds, a sin they would go to hell for.
I sure know 1st hand that being a carer for a romantic partner with mental & physical issues can be tiring but she's also a carer for me since I have my own problems & issues & I'm sure that gets tiring for her as well sometimes. Not everyone is cut out for this kind of relationship that's for sure but we are both better people with each other than we'd be with most anyone else we could get & we both majorly love each other & we both recognize that the other is trying their best. Physical abuse should NOT be tolerated & I cant understand it but it may be very good that I cant.
I know of far too many women in those marriages who are stuck with a psychopath. Beaten and strangled over and over again. They can't leave because they would be murdered. They only stay because they have no choice.
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"A loaded gun won't set you free. So you say." - Ian Curtis
lostonearth35
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I don't believe in arranged marriages at all, it's the 21st century, no one should be forced into marriage, especially not to someone they don't love at all. The fact that that kind of thing still exists makes my blood boil.
Marrying women against their will, what's next, not allowing us to vote?
I feel that I must apologize for posting this. None of the people I know who are in arranged marriages were forced into their marriage AFAIK, none seem to be suffering, and typically both have jobs that pay well. In my personal life I wouldn't have occasion to become closely acquainted with someone who was forced to marry their father's friend at the age of 13. Of course I respect the suffering of anyone who has experienced that.
I had a fiancee who had a sister who lived with a 30-year-old man when she was 13. She was very precocious.
That’s so sad, whether she was “precocious” or not.
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I had a fiancee who had a sister who lived with a 30-year-old man when she was 13. She was very precocious.
That’s so sad, whether she was “precocious” or not.
Carole King married Gerry Goffin when she was 17 and pregnant. I believe I heard she was 16 when she began living with him but can't find a reference. Apparently this wasn't considered the least bit scandalous at the time. Teenage girls in largely secular NY postwar Jewish neighborhoods were often precocious, is my impression, although I don't have any sociologic evidence to support that.
My mother spent her adolescence in NYC being raised by a divorced mother. She had boyfriends since the age of 14 although I couldn't say at what age she became sexually active, although she was no virgin when she got married. She wasn't Jewish. Her surname was Hispanic but it's more complicated than that. Her boyfriends were Italian, Jewish, and other ethnicities I expect one would encounter in Kraftie's neighborhood. BTW she was probably on the spectrum.
I had a fiancee who had a sister who lived with a 30-year-old man when she was 13. She was very precocious.
Did you call children's services or report this to the police?
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And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
There is nothing to apologise for.... you opened up a discussion, and now people are aware things aren't always how they seem in some cultures.
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"A loaded gun won't set you free. So you say." - Ian Curtis
Uhhhh .... I was close to 13 in 1979 and I can guarantee it wasn't legal for me to live with a 30-year-old man.
Nor would the police have ignored a report of child sexual abuse.
That's not the way it was in those days.
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And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
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