Being gay is worse in many aspects than having asd

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CosmicFerrets
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22 May 2022, 7:02 am

One time a guy took me on a date, and I thought he just wanted to hang out because he was very nice. We did this twice before he realised that I didn't know what was going on. He asked me if I was straight, I gave a confused nonsensical answer and realised later that I had really hurt his feelings, and I felt really s**t.

A lot of guys who I have been trying to be actively nice to, because I have wanted to befriend them, have taken it to be flirting. I was making a conscious effort to improve my social skills and be more gregarious to make friends, but it was being taken for the wrong sort of attraction. It made me feel so lonely.

At least here, in college, most people seem to have picked up immediately that I prefer women. I don't know how, but they do. So I don't have that problem as much.

The problem is that I really don't like most other gay girls. I know this sounds horrible. But I have never met another bisexual or lesbian girl who has her s**t together, and I really don't want to have to have that kind of relationship with someone who's a mess all the time. I don't have the ability or the stamina to support someone like that.

They also all seem to be exclusively really into arts, rather than science, which is very much at odds with my own interests. They are also all really politically active and vocal, in a way which I find really irritating sometimes.

I keep encountering girls who I like so much, and whom I'd love to ask out, but then they always are straight. I've encountered a girl here whose interests and skills are so alike to mine, except she is so much more proficient in them than I am, and I love that because it makes me admire her so much. But of course, she's straight.



klanka
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22 May 2022, 8:16 am

Hmm do you have websites or apps you could use?
There's gotta be some more STEM ladies out there for ya.
In my physics class there was only one woman :'(
But loads in biology.



CosmicFerrets
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22 May 2022, 5:54 pm

klanka wrote:
Hmm do you have websites or apps you could use?
There's gotta be some more STEM ladies out there for ya.
In my physics class there was only one woman :'(
But loads in biology.


I did briefly use a dating app for lgbt women once. But it was full of men or girls looking for something casual. I also do feel nervous about using one; I don't want to really put up a picture of my face and indicate that I'm not straight - there are some people I still do not feel good about outing myself to.

I'm sure there are STEM wlw women out there - in fact I have met some. But they didn't really seem to be after anything serious or they were already with someone.

I guess the really irritating thing just seems to be that I only ever seem to like straight girls.



klanka
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22 May 2022, 6:10 pm

I suppose that is quite isolating.



The_Face_of_Boo
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22 May 2022, 11:43 pm

Seek for women in middle eastern/South-Asian communities, plenty of STEM women in those. Like maybe 50% of graduates.

https://www.scientificamerican.com/cust ... m-careers/

For me personally, the “there are so few STEM women” is so alien to me as half of the local women I know in real life ARE in STEM fields. Starting with my mom who was a HS math teacher lol. I only discovered it is a problem in some parts of the world (mainly the west) from its news outlets.

The stereotype only holds true in programming sadly (yet the last two coders I worked with are young females), but they dominate (ie. healthcare) or compromise about half in any other stem field.


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Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 23 May 2022, 12:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

The Grand Inquisitor
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22 May 2022, 11:58 pm

Quote:
Being Gay Is Worse In Many Aspects Than Having Asd

Try telling that to the many heterosexual guys (and few women) here who have never been with a romantic or sexual partner at all, probably mostly on account of autism-related social issues.

Maybe in your case, there being few like-minded people in your pool of prospective partners inhibits your dating success more than your ASD, but I'd dare say in most cases, ASD poses a greater challenge to one's ability to date than sexuality.



The_Face_of_Boo
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23 May 2022, 12:07 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Quote:
Being Gay Is Worse In Many Aspects Than Having Asd

Try telling that to the many heterosexual guys (and few women) here who have never been with a romantic or sexual partner at all, probably mostly on account of autism-related social issues.

Maybe in your case, there being few like-minded people in your pool of prospective partners inhibits your dating success more than your ASD, but I'd dare say in most cases, ASD poses a greater challenge to one's ability to date than sexuality.



Homosexuality is a minority too, being in anything minority makes it much harder for dating. Think about it.


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The Grand Inquisitor
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23 May 2022, 12:45 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Quote:
Being Gay Is Worse In Many Aspects Than Having Asd

Try telling that to the many heterosexual guys (and few women) here who have never been with a romantic or sexual partner at all, probably mostly on account of autism-related social issues.

Maybe in your case, there being few like-minded people in your pool of prospective partners inhibits your dating success more than your ASD, but I'd dare say in most cases, ASD poses a greater challenge to one's ability to date than sexuality.



Homosexuality is a minority too, being in anything minority makes it much harder for dating. Think about it.

Yes of course, being gay when there are fewer gay people means less prospective partners to choose from, and more people to fall for who are the wrong sexuality. I'm not saying that being gay isn't harder than being straight for dating, but I don't believe that there are proportionally as many gay people who have significant problems getting dates as there are autistic people who have significant problems getting dates. Not even close.



rse92
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23 May 2022, 3:22 pm

What does it mean for a lesbian to have her s**t together?

I know many lesbians who have their s**t together.

My daughter was a science teacher and is now a police detective. Her wife my daughter in law will her receive Ph. D in environmental biology next year.

My stepdaughter is an award winning brewer. Her wife my stepdaughter in law did two deployments in Iraq with the US Army.



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23 May 2022, 6:31 pm

Unfortunately, it can be quite tricky in the gay dating world. Some have a trickier time than others. Aside from finding a partner, safety concerns and out status come into play. I'm almost completely out. There are a couple of family members who don't know. Aside from them, the vast majority of people in my life are aware. It can be quite freeing to be out but it's also downright terrifying and disheartening at times. Rather grimly, I know someone who was attacked fairly recently. Being out always comes with a degree of risk.

There are always going to be people who don't like it and want to make that your business. I think by far the most baffling lot are what I like to call allies of convenience. For instance, my friend's flatmate requested that my friend pretend to be straight for the sake of her (the flatmate's) boyfriend (since gay people existing made him uncomfortable). She asked this as casually as you might ask someone to be mindful of a peanut allergy.

I am fortunate that I've never had to choose between my family and being open. However, I know people who can never return to visit relatives in their home country. People who cannot come out to their family since it would mean being disowned and financially cut-off. Which is why found family is often so important. Even with the support of found family though, it's not easy to pull off a secret relationship. It becomes particularly complicated when one person in the relationship is out but the other isn't, usually such relationships don't work out.

One benefit of being out is that others tend to find me and it's easier to meet people in the community. There were times where I encountered men who took offense to being rejected and refused to believe me about not liking men. Or times where people would complain that I was ruining their ship because I wouldn't date some guy they wanted me to date. Even some nonsense about being too pretty to be gay. People have some strange and annoying ideas. I know that when I complimented guys to be nice, it was sometimes met with "Oh yeah? What would you know about male beauty?" I mean I'm no expert but I was just trying to be nice.

Admittedly, I'm an arty type. I do however know gay women who are programmers. Since I mainly hang out with game artists and graphic or UI designers, I sometimes meet programmers since the two groups tend to work closely together. Some people do both; I'm currently learning the basics of code.


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29 May 2022, 1:37 am

CosmicFerrets wrote:
The problem is that I really don't like most other gay girls. I know this sounds horrible. But I have never met another bisexual or lesbian girl who has her s**t together, and I really don't want to have to have that kind of relationship with someone who's a mess all the time. I don't have the ability or the stamina to support someone like that.
Is it possible to be gay for straight people?


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Lost_dragon
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29 May 2022, 6:58 am

RetroGamer87 wrote:
CosmicFerrets wrote:
The problem is that I really don't like most other gay girls. I know this sounds horrible. But I have never met another bisexual or lesbian girl who has her s**t together, and I really don't want to have to have that kind of relationship with someone who's a mess all the time. I don't have the ability or the stamina to support someone like that.
Is it possible to be gay for straight people?


What exactly are you asking? Are you asking if it is possible for a lesbian to have a crush on a straight woman? If so, then the answer is yes. The feeling is unrequited and you move on. Akin to how a straight woman can have a crush on a gay man. Or straight guy can have a crush on a lesbian.


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kraftiekortie
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29 May 2022, 7:01 am

I was too much in love with a lesbian for a couple of years in my late teens.



Muse933277
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29 May 2022, 1:35 pm

What you're describing is mostly one of the issues of being a young woman, especially if you're a young attractive woman.

Many guys you talk to and you're nice to, will assume that you're trying to hit on them. And it's hard to make friends with guys either because most of them will eventually develop feelings for you, or they're only nice to you for the sole intention of wanting to date/sleep with you.



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29 May 2022, 1:39 pm

Dating apps are the best resources for gays. Because if you're gay, almost everyone you'll meet is straight, so it's not like you can just ask someone out, otherwise they'll know your gay and it will be awkward.

But if you go on a dating app for gay people, you'll know that everyone there is gay as well, so you're not wasting your time and no awkward stories of asking straight people out.



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29 May 2022, 1:51 pm

klanka wrote:
Hmm do you have websites or apps you could use?
There's gotta be some more STEM ladies out there for ya.
In my physics class there was only one woman :'(
But loads in biology.


What does STEM stand for out of curiosity? I tried looking up acronyms but so far could not find one that relates to what we are talking about.