Being judged for one isolated incident in a distant past

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Precisely, lol.

Uuuuuh.. wow.

Sounds like you gave her way more than 27 reasons to break up with you but she just gave you the short list.

Also sounds like you are both horribly incompatible. You and her want different things. One example of many: She was up front in her profile that she wants to relocate to Greece and then you tried to convince her otherwise - dude; that's what she wants! Either you're on board with it or you're not on board with her, full stop.

Maybe you shouldn't mention violent outbursts in the past as it won't do you any good. She's glad you mentioned it because it showed your true colours to her and she wants to avoid having a partner that can't control himself physically.

Sounds to me like you're very controlling and want a partner to be and do as you say. Very few people are going to be agreeable to that sort of relationship.

Also sounds like you didn't really care for her much based on the fact that you were prepared to "settle for her." From your description of yourself, if she continued any sort of relationship with you she'd have been doing the exact same thing, "settling," for you despite your many flaws, strange thoughts of the way things should be for you in a relationship, and controlling nature.


As for "i," not agreeing with mixed marriages - that sort of thing is often a deal breaker for people even when they have the same racial appearance as you. Racism, homophobia, transphobia etc are all qualities that most people find repulsive in a potential partner even if they're of the same race and/or not LGBT themselves. They don't want to be with someone who has such bigoted hate for other humans who are different from themselves. One of my 15yo Godsons recently ditched most of his friend group because they showed their true colours when communicating while playing video games online as being horribly racist and homophobic. He has no place in his life for friends that think and act that way (I'M SUPER PROUD OF HIM FOR THAT!) and MOST people do NOT want a partner that thinks and behaves like that.

Re: Bible group leadership.. you don't display leadership qualities. Best for you to just show up and continue your studies for how they may benefit you.



As for dating, maybe you need to be more up front with what you seek: "Seeking submissive female willing to live under religious laws of my own dictating. Must also be compatible with white supremacist beliefs." You'd either whittle down your potential pool of dates a whole lot quicker and find someone you're compatible with OR you'd learn that your criteria are absurd and you need to re-evaluate your own values, thoughts, opinions, and what you ought to be seeking in a partner. IMO.

27 reasons but judged by only one of them in the distant past. This thread almost has meme value.

OK I'll explain what's going on. QFT is desperate to keep the relationship going & is in denial about all the reasons she had for breaking up with him. Hypothetically if she only had one reason for ending it, he might be able to convince her to get back together with him again like he's done before. Might be best to let this thread die now cuz there's been lots of replies already about why he should move on from this & if he has not understood yet, he's not going to right now.

I interpretted her profile as if it is her preferences rather than the must. I guess if she were to tell me from the get go that its a must and thats why she rejects me, I would have believed her. But since she didn't tell this from a get-go, but instead told me after other problems came up, thats what made me think that the real issue is other things.

I mean, I seen this with other people and other examples. A classic example is my mom. I don't want to tell my mom that I met women on the internet and I tell them that I want to make up a story on how we met. They agree. But then when other problems come up, then suddenly they are telling me I should tell my mom the truth. Why didn't they tell this from the beginning? Why are they only telling this to me after other things come up?

It feels like what happens is that when people lose patience over one thing, they become less patient with other things. Which is why I feel like its not "the list of 27 things" thats the problem, but rather its whatever thing that started it, thats the problem. The rest of the list is simply the case of them losing patience with me.

Now, part of my problem is that I don't normally "recover" from the bad situation, I escalate. But with my current girlfriend I actually managed to "recover" -- which is one of very rare examples where that happened. No, don't confuse her with the one that is subject of this thread. The one that is subject of this thread is R, I met R in the summer, and R broke up with me in August. My current girlfriend is C. I met her just few weeks ago, we are currently dating, and I haven't mentioned her up until this current reply.

In any case, I told C about lying to my mom few days before our fight. She was fine with it. Then during our fight (on another topic) C kept insisting I should tell my mom the truth. Then, after I "recovered" from the fight and C likes me all over again (even more than before), guess what: she is again fine with me lying to my mom. So that further confirms my point how some of the issues aren't "real" issues.

And this also makes me think that Greece to R plays the same role as my mom to C. In both cases it is important only when they are mad at me for other things. Since with R I couldn't recover, thats why R would insist Grece is important to her for duration of our interaction. But since with C I recovered, thats why C no longer cares about my mom the way she used to during our fight.

Now, its true that R. mentioned Greece on her profile before she ever talked to me. But, again, I am sure C would have said she doesn't like people that lie, too: the only reason she didn't say this on her profile is because there is no need to put something in that is self evident. But the question is: on the scale of 1 to 10 how crucial are those things to those women? My experience shows that, as long as they aren't mad at me for other things, they are willing to compromise.



I guess I don't see it as violent, because I punched him really lightly, so it was just a gesture. It won't cause any actual pain, much less physical damage.

Incidentally, I was complaining to C about R's reaction to it. C's first response was "of course R was scared that you punched someone on the face". I told C "wait a second, I didn't punched him in the face, I punched him on the shoulder". C said "I apologize, when I hear the word punch, I picture punching on the face". I then said to C "good point, maybe that is where misunderstanding took place? Could it be its how I phrased it when I spoke to R that caused R to react the way she did?" C agreed.

I then talked further to C about various wordings. C suggested I use the word "tap" instead of "punch" -- and this advice happens to coincide with what two other people told me (one of the other people is a member of this board, and the other person is someone I briefly met at church). So since those are three separate people that don't know each other suggesting the same exact word, I guess they might be onto something.

But I guess to me "tapped" doesn't sound right either. Because, first of all, "to tap" someone means to draw their attention, as in "look at this beautiful bird". So "to tap" is not even a negative. But in my case I was expressing anger. So what I did was negative. No, it wasn't violent, but it was still a negative. And, secondly, even though I punched lightly, I still did it with the fist. And when you "tap" someone you aren't using fist. So I am not sure what word to choose in order to say "yes that gesture meant to be anger but not to the violent proportions". To me, "tapped" doesn't sound appropriate. "Punched" would have -- but since others took the word "punch" to be more than what it was meant to mean, I guess I have to look for another word.



I know she was glad I mentioned it, and this is precisely what pisses me off. What about the option of improving myself? I guess she doesn't consider self-improvement as a thing. So she wants me to be stuck with my past and mention it so that others can avoid me -- instead of changing myself so that the past becomes irrelevant.



Thats what R inferred, yes. But just because R thinks I am controling, that doesn't mean she is right.

Now, R inferred I was controlling because I said she is compliant which she interpretted to mean as if I like to get off on the idea of controlling her. But I weren't getting off on anything at all. When I used the word compliant what I actually felt was "she is rather boring; its nice she does what I say sometimes, but it doesn't mean much anyway, since she hasn't shown me a real personality to enjoy; I guess its nice we don't have a lot of drama; I still wish I was with some of those other women I miss, instead, but oh well, she is the only one I have, so I guess I should settle on her"

I guess I was obviously wrong on the "drama" part (there clearly *was* a lot of drama just few days later), plus this thinking (aka taking her for granted) shows a lot of lack of appreciation. But I am not saying I was perfect. All I am saying is that I am not guilty of being a control freak. Which I still believe I am not. The way she mentioned about punching someone, in conjunction with her mentioning my comment about her being compliant, I picture some muslim that gets off on controlling/beating his wife. Thats just not what I am looking for in a relationship. I am looking for emotional validation. These two things are incompatible with each other.

Am I being selfish in my pursuit of emotional validation? Oh yeah. I admit that. But that doesn't change the fact that I am looking for connection/validation as opposed to sadism/control.

In any case, I mentioned this whole "compliant" thing to C. She responded with two things. First of all, she told me that she sees exactly where R is coming from when it comes to reacting to the word "compliant" the way she did. But, on the other hand, she also told me that part of it might be English not being my native language. She said that in English the word "compliant" is a loaded word, and as a Russian speaker, I might not intutively see this.

Well, I only met C around a month ago. But I was sending messages to R over 2 months ago telling her this same exact thing. Because even though I weren't realizing that "compliant" was a loaded word back when I used it, I came up with my own theory that this might be the case after few days of puzzling as to why R. reacted the way she did. But the point is that it took me few days to come up with this theory (thats the extend to which it is not intuitive to me) and by that time R was no longer talking to me. So R never replied to this text where I was explaining the English not being native language thing. Yet, two months later, C told me exact same thing.



As far as my own settling, I agree thats what I do. But that is only because, due to my Asperger, most people don't like me. And the very few ones that do, are typically a huge mess consisting of a combination of obesity, a bunch of health problems and, oftentimes, psychological problems on top.



But that is partly because she misunderstood facts about me. For example, she thinks I am violent/controling when I am not.

Now, the things I do admit to, such as settling, are still enough for someone to lose interest. But here is the thing: I want to keep facts straight. I wish people were on the same page with me as to which problems I have and which I don't, and made their decision based on that.



As far as LGBT thing, I am looking for women on "Christian dating for free". So, over there, as the title suggests, they are Christian. Accordingly, the vast majority of people on that site disapprove of LGBT. So thats not the issue.

As far as race, I can see how it can be taken both ways. I had 3 long term girlfriends (S, J and G). J girl admitted to have been interested in a black boy and chose me over him (I knew I was competting with someone at the time but I had no idea he was black). The S-girl would not date blacks and was pissed at her friend A that she did. And the G girl would not date blacks either. As far as my current girl C, she would date blacks and in fact she questioned my salvation for a brief period of time when I mentioned to her that I wouldn't. But she got over it and she is fine with this whole thing since its just not a big deal.

If I go past those few examples, I think the pattern extends pretty much similarly. Some people wouldn't date other races, other people would. Among people that would, some would get offended at a contrary opinion, others wouldn't care.

Yes, I do remember girls on dating sites in the past that used my statements about races as additional reason to reject me. But notice the word "additional". The whole point is that this wasn't anywhere close to being the main reason. But when I wouldn't accept their actual reason for rejecting me, then they would just bring it up as an excuse. Which is rather similar to the Greece thing with R and my mom thing with C.



Yes, that is the exact thing everyone else would tell me until I probe further. But that is precisely the problem. People make this generalized impression of me and then I never get a chance to improve. Now when I am trying to dissect things they say "I miss the forest for the trees". But what they don't realize is that its not an inability to see the big picture, but rather frustration with the way other people form big picture in their mind.

Alright, lets be honest. While I blatantly disagree with the big picture that "I am violent control freak" (R girl) I don't have any such disagreement with "I don't have leadership qualities". Maybe I don't, who knows? But then again, what if I do? How can I possibly know until I try?

Okay let me give an example from my own life. I moved out of my mom's when I was 21. So, back when I was living with my mom, I never went to grocery store by myself, I never took a plane by myself, etc. So when I read about autistics doing such things I kept wondering how is it that I have Asperger, so I am supposed to be more mildly affected than they are, yet I can't do those things. But then comes a major turning point: I move out of my mom's house, and guess what: I do all those things, and more, with ease. But thats not something either myself or anyone else would have expected, is it?

So, maybe, just like I learned to take planes, and go grocery shoping, and cook, by myself -- maybe in the same way I can learn to be a leader? How can anybody just know I can't do it until I try?



Again, this is just not what I am seeking. I am seeking emotional connection. And for an emotional connection I need an equal.

If you decided I like to be control freak because R thought so -- well like I said, I just misused the word "compliant" which is probably due to English not being my native language.

The only times when I do come across as controling is when I want to defend my own ego. As in, if I perceive that someone put me down, then I want to engage in an intense conversation trying to defend myself. But as long as nobody puts me down, I am "live and let live" type of person.

As far as race, like I said, a lot of people want to stick to their own race, in my experience anyway. And whenever this comes up as a reason for rejecting me, its almost always comes up only *after* some other reasons were brought up and I weren't accepting them.

As far as "religious laws of my own dictating", the only religious law I truly insist on is no sex before marriage. But that is only because sex would involve me, by default. And I don't want to be forced to be involved in an activity that I regard as sinful. So the point is no, I am not "getting off" on an idea of "depriving her from sex". Not at all. I simply don't want to see *myself* having sex. Simple as that.

As far as other things such as not eating pork, they are optional. But I guess when I do see that there is a chance to convince girl to abstain from pork, I would do that. But again it is only if I perceive as if she might actually be inclined to think in this way.

Now, why would I think that? Simple. Because some of the girls that I dated expressed interest in my religion and actually said they want to visit Messianic church. So my response is "its good you want to visit Messianic church, maybe you should stop eating pork too". I do realize that its one thing to visit the other person's church and its another thing to actually want to obide by all of its rules. And my experience shows that the former is quite common, the latter is a lot less likely. But still, you never know until you ask. So why not ask?

I guess the real issue is "yes I can ask, but I should know how to take no for an answer which I don't do so easily". But I guess its because when I ask and do get the no, I am wondering "why did she first suggest herself to visit Messianic church and now all of a sudden she is against the idea; maybe it was the way in which I presented it; if so, let me try to present it differently to see if I can change her mind back".

I cannot for the life of me understand why you even want to be in a relationship with someone whom you so clearly hold in contempt. You look down on her for struggling with illness and attempting to treat it. I don't blame her for not wanting to be with you, but I don't get why you want to be with her.

You are controlling and have unrealistic demands and expectations of a potential partner to obey you.

You do not display leadership qualities. That IS for others to assess in workplaces or study groups etc. only those with the required qualities will be promoted, respected, and looked up to as leaders.

You mean they’re bigots using religion as an excuse to discriminate against LGBT people. Christ never said anything about LGBT people and neither does the bible.

People telling you that your racism is among the reasons they are not interested in dating you is legitimate. Stop discounting what people tell you as fact as being “excuses,” that don’t really count or that they don’t really mean or aren’t important to them. You’re not learning anything or improving because you refuse to accept what other people tell you as their truth as being real. Instead you make up in your own mind that they’re making excuses instead of accepting what they say as true, reflecting on it, and maybe becoming a better person - or at least learning not to disclose how bad of a person you are in your judgemental beliefs about others being inferior to you due to the colour of their skin.


These are some of the many reasons you are single, and quite frankly, deserve to be single.

Serious question: how do you date someone (for a few months) whom you have never met?

I don't look down at her for the illness part. I am only looking down at her for the way she tries to treat it. If anything, this means that I respect people that have mental conditions, enough so as to be opposed to doctors purposely damaging their brains.

I am sure you seen a lot of people on WP being against people that want to cure autism. Well, trying to cure bipolar is the same concept. Basically, what it boils down to is that people assume that autism or bipolar are "bad". Since autism is "bad", it needs to be cured. Since bipolar is "bad", they might as well purposely ruin the brain with ECT: that brain doesn't do any good anyway, presumably.

Well, who is bigoted here? Doctors are. If anything, I am *against* bigoted doctors and I believe that people with autism and bipolar have something good to contribute, and their brains should be appreciated the way they are, for once.

I might not date people with other races, but guess what: I am strongly opposed to eugenics. I think other races should be allowed to reproduce. Among people of their own race, yes, but still reproduce.

Well, what doctors are doing is the same concept as eugenics, just on a different scale. While eugenicists want to stop defective genes from reproducing, doctors want to stop defective brains from functioning. So, instead of ruining reproductive system through castration, they are ruining brain through ECT. And when someone *willingly* has ECT, it almost looks like a person of color *willingly* undergoing eugenics. Both is disgusting in my book.

I meet people long distance on dating site. And then I don't have money to buy plane ticket to meet them.

What I usually do is wait for physics conference to occur in their location so that I can go there and get reimbursed. But it better be on the topic relevant to my research, which doesn't happen very often. Thats why I have to wait for months.

With R girl, she was actually going to visit me herself in the beginning of September. This didn't happen since she broke up with me at the end of August (the subject of this thread).

As far as C girl, she is considering visitting me on Feburary. Provided I will still be here and won't graduate. If I won't be here any more, I might meet her at the conference I will go to in May. No, that conference won't be in her area, so she would still have to travel. The reason she wants to wait for that conference is because, if I do graduate, I will move back in with my mom, and I keep her from my mom.

In focusing on the doctors, you're overlooking what she wants for herself. And if that bothers you so much, you shouldn't date her.

I'm also the product of a mixed-race marriage. My parents didn't do anything wrong in having me. Your views are abhorrent.

Again, what is the evidence?

Is it that usage of the word "compliant"? I thought I explained it was misunderstanding.

If not that, what is another evidence?



Obey me in what way?

If I just talk about following the aspects of my own religion, then I am sure those girls on Christian dating site would want me to do the same. It never came up because I am already a Christian. But lets say I were to tell them I wasn't a Christian but wanted to date them anyway. Would they be totally fine with it? Probably not.

Now, in their case, they won't be trying to convert me. More likely, they would just leave. But thats because they have other options and I don't. So maybe if I were to have better social skills, then instead of trying to convert Christian girls into being Messianics I would have simply contacted the ones that are already Messianic to begin with. But since I do have bad social skills, I can't afford limitting myself that way, so I contact mainstream Christian girls and then try to convert them later.



Its funny how on WP, of all places, I am told "it is of others to assess". Don't you know how aspies are being mis-assessed by NT-s? And how other's mis-assessment can become self fulfilling prophecy.

But its good you put it this way since now we are getting closer to the root of the issue. Yes, I see the forest, not just the trees. The forest is that others assess as if I don't have leadership qualities, and so I ended up not having them.

But again its self fulfilling prophecy. What is leadership? It is getting others to follow. Would others follow someone if they already decided that person doesn't have leadership qualities? No. So, since others won't follow that person, then that person, by definition, doesn't have leadership qualities.

But where did it start from? It started from others deciding I don't have leadership qualities, and then their judgement became reality (see above). THAT is what pisses me off.

Going back to the example with traveling alone or going to the store alone. Back when I was 20 I literally didn't know how I could possibly do it. But that is only because *my parents* decided I can't do it. When I left my mom's house I did those things just fine.

With leadership it is a bit harder because I can't just escape other people's judgement by leaving, since if I leave I have nobody to lead. But the point is: I am leading myself just fine, even if my parents don't believe me. I been stranded as I was wondering places, I found my way out just fine. Now, if only others were to trust me to lead them, maybe I could figure out how to lead them just like I figured out how to lead myself. They just aren't trusting me.



Now look at the word "respected" in bold. That sums up the exact reason why I made such a big deal over not being a leader. Because I want to feel respected. Everyone does. Conversely, the idea that I can't possibly be a leader is the opposite of respect. What is the opposite of respect? It is disrespect. Now is there any wonder I am pissed that I am disrespected?



The "neither does the Bible" is blatantly wrong.

"You shall not lie with a man as with a woman; it is an abomination." (Leviticus 18:22)

"26 For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their [i]women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. 27 Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due." (Romans 1:26,27)

"Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, 10nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God." (1 Cor 6: 9, 10)



Like I said, what they told me first didn't involve racism. But then when I didn't accept their reasons, then they mentioned racism after that.

I remember a couple of cases when racism was the first thing that was mentioned. In those cases I believed them. But they were very rare cases, indeed.

In vast majority of cases they usually mention other things, not this.

Okay let me give you another example. You agree the reason they don't want me to be a leader is that I "don't have leadership qualities". I agree that this is, indeed, their reason. So we are on the same page here. But then when I started arguing with the Bible study guy as to *why* he thinks I don't have leadership qualities, then he mentioned to me how I keep gossipping about others. Now, this is not the real reason. NT-s gossip far more than I do. My only gossip is how I am pissed that someone looked down at me at some point or other. While others are gossipping about each other's relationships etc. which I can't possibly gossip about even if I wanted to since I don't have knowledge about it. So why did he say I can't be a leader because I gossip when I actually do it LESS than others? Because I didn't except his main reason: that I don't have leadership qualities. Well, as it happens, he never mentioned my racism. But when people other than him mention it, it feels the same, that its just an excuse.



I do want to become a better person. In fact thats why I am so mad at R since she assumes that I can't. After all, she judged me based on my punching someone a year prior. I could have changed that year. She assumes I didn't. And that is what pisses me off when people assume I can't change.

If, instead of ostracizing me, people were to tell me to change some thing or other, I would gladly do it. But they don't tell me to change, they just stop talking to me.



I don't think a certain black professor back in Michigan is inferior to me. I would gladly trade places with him and be a professor.

But having kids with someone of another race is a whole other issue since then those kids won't look like me.

Since I am supposed to date only 1 woman at a time, I don't see how it would even "look" racist if that 1 woman just happens to be white. I guess if I keep talking about it then the *conversation* can come across as racist. But then the issue is not whom I date but rather that I am saying out loud the things others just think and don't say. And this goes back to Asperger being honest.

But going back to what should I do. What do those women want me to do anyway? Do they want me to go date someone black? Well, if I am talking about "what to do so they can date me", that doesn't make sense: they aren't looking for a threesome. Here is a better idea: they don't want me to talk about it openly in front of their friends or relatives. Fair enough. But then, instead of leaving me, why not simply tell me not to talk about it in front of others? Like I said I am willing to change, just tell me what you want me to change.

I am not just focusing on doctors, I am focusing on her too. I think ECT did damage to her brain and her brain would have been functioning better if she didn't have one.

No, she didn't come across as low intelligence, not at all. But I haven't seen her before ECT. So who knows, maybe she was even more intelligent back then? Its a pity for the intelligence to be wasted just like that.



Good point. I wouldn't ever tell anyone they shouldn't exist.

I guess if I am talking about kids that don't exist "yet", I would rather have kids same race as me.

But whoever already exists, they should exist AND reproduce.

Again, that's for her to decide. I'd happily sacrifice a few brain cells if that meant it got rid of my anxiety issues. Now if you have problems with ECT, you're not under any obligation to get it. Likewise, her getting ECT was her choice and you have to respect that. If it bothers you that much, then don't try to date her.

You tell a girl you know better than her or her doctor(s) how she should or shouldn't treat her medical condition. You think a girlfriend should live under whatever religious laws you think should apply to her. You suggest she shouldn't think this or that about you, that she shouldn't have her own opinions or judgements of you. You think she should be either as racist as you are or accepting of your racism. You think she shouldn't have her own goals in life or criteria for a partner that's compatible with her, that wanting to relocate is just some sort of suggestion vs. what she wants out of life. Etc etc. All of those things come across as very controlling. Not very many women are going to find your attitude about any of those things to be attractive. You want a partner to be and do and think and act as you say vs. as they are. That's not very good, nor is it a display of being attracted to a person - only a display of how you want to control someone to make them who you want them to be for you.

Respect is earned. If you're not respected you need to reflect on your own behaviours and think about why you're not shown respect and how you can improve yourself and your interactions with others until you are respected. You cannot command respect and be granted it - that's fear, at best, that others will have for you.. not respect.


IMO, you have a LOT of self improvement to do before you're ready to enter a relationship with anyone.. and if you're unwilling or unable to do a whole lot of that, then my suggestion is that you triple down on your love of physics and accept your studies, your work, and your goals as your partner(s) through this life to keep you company and give you purpose.

Thank f**k for that. I've never seen a good-looking racist.

I think you should continue being open about your racism so that you attract women with similar views to yourself. I strongly advise against keeping your views hidden from someone who doesn't share similar views to you.