An aspie's struggle with dating

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I don't have a job right now. I'm working toward starting a career though, hopefully in something that I like to do. I hope that's not a strike against me.

OP, what makes you happy?
A common experience is, improving one's general life happiness also improves their attractivity.

You mentioned wearing glasses. Do you have someone to help you choose a model that suits your face? Well-chosen glasses improve attractivity but unfitting ones can do a lot of harm to the face.

Also,

!	magz wrote:
	A reminder of L&D boundaries: It is fully acceptable to describe one's personal experiences, including repeating bad ones. It is not acceptable to generalize such experiences to whole genders (claims like "the <gender members> are <something>").

I feel your best chance at a career is working in some capacity at something like a home or day treatment place for people with disabilities. Have you tried this?

You have the essential experience for this line of work. You can meet like-minded women, too. You are very well-suited for this. They need people like you!

Women can smell desperation a mile away. Emphasize your interests and hobbies, not “the pursuit of a woman.”

I haven't been on here in a few days because I've been out of town, and I just got back in town on Thursday. But thank you for the reminder. I am so sorry about anything that I said, and I'm sorry that I generalized. I'll honestly try to do better.

I had a horrible night at a Christmas party tonight, where I was the one loner there, cruelly ignored by everyone, and I'm still in tears because of that heartlessness, and this close to Christmas. I feel horrible about it. I guess I'm feeling worthless right now.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm too stupid to know how to talk to anyone, even online, because of a disability that too many people might not understand well enough. Sometimes, I feel like I'm not accepted anywhere, and it makes me feel like a horrible person. I never meant to offend anyone, and that's not what I ever tried to do.

I'm not angry at anyone here, I never have been, and I don't think I ever will be. A lot of times, I just feel like I don't belong anywhere in the world. A lot of times, I feel like I'm less than human. I'm so tired of feeling that way. It hurts so much.

All my life, it's like people have always wanted to point out what I do wrong, instead of pointing out anything that I do right. It makes me feel like every step I take in life is just another big mistake. Sometimes, it makes me feel like I have to apologize just for being on the spectrum.

I am so sorry if I offended anyone with anything that I said. I'll look back at previous messages, and see if I can find the offending words, so I can correct my mistake, by not generalizing like that again. I never meant to hurt or offend anyone with my words. Sometimes, I don't realize what I'm saying right away. I'm so sorry.

I honestly love women so much, with such a deep, loving passion. I don't ever intend to say anything that offends anyone. I would rather talk to women, and everyone else, with respect. I'll try not to generalize like that anymore, but it might take some time to train myself, because of my disability. I'm usually as hard as a drill sergeant on myself, but I'm not like that with anyone else. Sometimes, I wonder if it's because I'm trying to push myself to perfection so I won't offend anyone, or get on anyone's nerves.

I've been hurting so much inside for so many years, and I keep learning more and more about how horrible too much of the world is toward people who are on the spectrum. Having autism is not something that you ask for. It's not like God showed me a list of disabilities when I was born, and asked me to choose one of them.

I've even come across some people throughout my life who callously think that people like my brother and I belong in an institution or something. I'm so tired of cruelty, and I wish I never found out how cruelty feels. That's why I try to never be cruel to anyone, no matter how I get treated. I've been trying so hard to come out of my shell, and I don't want to be pushed back into it.

I am so sorry that I offended anyone. I never meant to offend anyone, and I never wanted to. I feel horrible about that, and how hurt everyone made me feel at that party tonight.

Sometimes, I feel like I should just disappear, even from my own family, and live my life completely alone, no matter how much that hurts me. I don't have hardly any family left anyway -- just my mother, my brother, and my cousin, and they don't understand me much anyway.

My mother, my brother, and my cousin all have health problems, and they're all highly likely to pass away before I ever do. If I lose them, then I'm alone in the world. That's one reason why I want someone to give my heart to -- to add to the family for once, instead of death subtracting from the family.

We've lost so many people in our lives that it's taken a toll on us -- most recently, my mother had a cousin who passed away two weeks ago. 8 Years ago, when we almost lost my brother, I had a nightmare that I was in tears because I was alone in the world.

Close your eyes for several seconds, maybe about 10 seconds, and try to imagine how utterly devastating being alone in the world can be, after you've lost everyone.

After you open your eyes, you might realize why I want to find someone to love. It's more important to me than anyone thinks. I don't want to be alone in the world -- my heart wouldn't be able to take it, and being alone in the world would probably cause a fatal heart problem. My chest has been feeling weird at times anyway -- no pain, just weirdness. It's causing my tears to flow even more, just thinking about being alone in the world.

For me, finding someone to love is like trying to find a microscopic needle in a haystack the size of the sun. Being alone is my biggest fear, along with a fear of death. The loneliness I've been forced to deal with for decades has become agonizing.

I hope that this site is still a safe place for me to be, after everything I've said. Like I said, I'm not angry at anyone here, and I don't think I ever will be. I think that there are good people on this site.

What kind of job/career are you working toward starting?

IMO you need a job that pays enough for you to live in a city with decent public transportation, since you mentioned that you don't drive.

Music, as you are probably aware already, is a highly competitive field. Not many people can make a living at it. I hope you also have some other, less competitive career goal in mind too.


Have you tried to build a social life around some of your interests/hobbies, especially those of your interests that attract at least as many women as men?

Perhaps some autistic traits get written off as cultural diferences. Different cultures can have different values & priorities with relationships & romantic partners. I know the Philippines is a very popular country for mail-order brides/international dating & a bit of guys I've known online(including some guys on this forum) found very loving wives that way but IDK much about the country itself. I think that it might be a poorer country & more restrictive towards women's rights than the US & other Western nations. The women may be kinda raised to make taking care of the household & family their main job. It's poseible that some women pursuing that route are expecting/hoping that they will have a better standard of living & will be treated better. They might think that automatically ruling out autistic guys & disabled guys might be too restrictive & they have other things to worry about.

It's not that I don't want to drive. I'd love to learn how to, but my mother is obsessed with the thought of a cop pulling me over and possibly killing me because of a lack of understanding of any forms of autism. We used to live in Lexington, Kentucky, and there was an incident in which a cop actually killed a man that he knew was autistic, by holding him in a type of restraint that can kill a person. In another incident in Lexington a few years after that, a cop assaulted an autistic person in Fayette Mall, which is Lexington's largest mall. It's even given me a mistrust of cops, especially since, to my knowledge, they're normally never trained at the police academy in how to interact with people with disabilities.

Some cops should never be around a person with a disability. Take, for instance, what happened in Salt Lake City, Utah, in September of 2020, when a woman named Golda Barton called police to request that a crisis intervention team transport her 13-year-old son, Linden Cameron, who is an aspie, to a hospital for treatment, as he was having what she called a "mental breakdown."

Barton had just returned to work for the first time in nearly a year, and said that Linden suffers from separation anxiety. Barton told officers that Linden was UNARMED, describing him as "a kid...trying to get attention, he doesn't know how to regulate."

Barton said she was told to stay put when officers arrived at her house. Within minutes, an officer had shot Linden several times, leaving him with permanent injuries.

In a press briefing, Salt Lake City Police Sgt. Keith Horrocks said officers were called to the scene to respond to a "violent psych issue" involving a juvenile who "had made threats to some folks with a weapon." Barton had told officers that Linden was unarmed. But so many people, including a lot of cops, seem to not recognize that people are less likely to be able to think rationally and respond promptly when they're experiencing a mental health crisis.

To be honest, in my life, I've never seen anyone with a disability get treated very well by people outside of their own family, or have very many friends. Up until several years ago, I had hardly any friends. When it comes to interacting with women, I don't have much confidence in myself, or much self-esteem, because of the cruelties I've faced in my life. I just need to finally meet a woman who's not going to show any cruelty toward me, because I would never show any cruelty toward her. Any woman who allows me into her heart will be treated with absolute love and respect, because that's what kind of man I am.

But it's things like what the above police officers have done to autistic people that keep Mom anxious about the thought of me driving. She must think I'm crazy enough to antagonize a cop in any way, when there's no way I'd ever do that. Even with my mistrust of cops, I'd be respectful.

Forget about all that.

Learn to drive.

I never thought I would learn to drive—but I finally succeeded after many years. I have 25 years driving in a big city with only fender-bender accidents, and none in the past 20 years or so.

I’m a clumsy ox autistic person.

I'm scared to learn how to drive but I know it's keeping me from becoming independant

it took me a VERY long time----but I succeeded!

I'd love to be more independent. Mom told me that she can't teach me how to drive, but she offered to find a driving school, if there's one in our area.

Mom still drives a lot, but I think she would have a hard time showing patience while teaching me how to drive. Also, she once told me that if I learned how to drive, she would not likely let me drive her van. She has major trust issues with certain people, such as medical professionals, and any other profession that we've had bad experiences with, and she even acts like she has trust issues with me in some things.

Especially before I got diagnosed, Mom had a reputation for not exactly being patient with some aspects of what used to be called Asperger's syndrome, and she even got angry at it sometimes. It was only when I was diagnosed that she realized what she'd been getting angry at all those years.

Instead of mellowing out over time like Dad did before he passed away, Mom seems to be getting angrier as the years go by, so I've found myself wondering if a driving school might be better, as she thinks it might be.

Thing is, with my brother in dialysis three days a week because of his kidneys barely working, and with Mom having so many other errands to run every day, she might not be available enough to take me to a driving school, and I sure can't walk to one, because it seems that there are none that close.

The only other way might be to get a ride with someone else that I know, such as my cousin who lives nearby, but his truck has started giving him serious problems, so there are times when I'm at a loss for ideas. There seems to not be much in the way of public transportation in the part of Florida where I live. It's something that I might need to do a little extra research on. Like I said, I'd love to find ways to gain more independence.

sadly, i'm going to guess, keyword guess, that you have never had a girlfriend before, not unusual for autistic men

I have seen quite a few Aspie men state sentiments similar to this in their posts, and I remember feeling like this myself when I was single and dateless. I wonder if this is part of the problem. KraftieKortie would probably know better than I because he seems to really understand human nature well. He has said on numerous occasions that women can smell desperation and that is a real turn off.

I suppose for some women the sentiments expressed above (not directly to her but through our behavior or emotions) might come off as too needy or clingy, and some women don't like that in men.

My wife was telling me the other day about how after we had been dating a month or so, she was sick and had to take the day off of work-I remember this incidence well. I had a couple of hours before I had to be at work that day, so I stopped by a grocery store and picked up some flowers and a "Get Well Soon" card for her and took them to her apartment. She told me how that freaked her out, that she was going to dump me because she thought that I was too clingy and all. Right after I left that day she called up one of her friends who "talked her off the ledge" about this experience. Her friend told her something like-that was a nice thing for him to do. That is what people do when they care about each other.

After retelling that story my wife said that some women who have had a series of bad relationships can freak out when a guy treats then really nicely because it seems to good to be true. They are waiting for the "other side" of the guy to come out and for him to really be a jerk like the -EXs were.

So maybe those of us with a lot of love to give (I am kind of really a needy and clingy person so I have to still be careful not to overwhelm the wife, and unfortunately some of my needs do go unmet) need to work on not expressing that too much, or something like that.

won't surprise me if i'm correct