Red Flags

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Wanting to change her gender orientation a while after entering the relationship. I know from experience that it's very difficult for me to handle being in a relationship with someone who wants me to change the way I think of her & refer to her after we're a couple. I've been very confused about my gender & sexual orientation in the past & I'm still not entirely sure of things but I'm at the point where I accept myself the way I currently am even if I don't understand it. I think it would be very wrong of me to suddenly expect my partner to see me in a new way & be supportive. That seems kinda like false advertising to me or lying about who I am so I could get in a relationship & then expecting my partner to still be there for me when I take my facade off. Maybe the issue is that I have a hard time adjusting to major sudden change.

I can’t remember what was talked about in this thread. Here are some major red flags for me:

- a lot older or younger than me

- a big drinker or addict

- incapable of intelligent conversation

- doesn’t read anything outside of Wikipedia

- poor hygiene

- abusive in any way (drinking is no excuse for sh***y behavior)

I’d much rather be single than be with someone with any of these characteristics.

I’m expecting someone to complain, especially about my views on large age differences, but there’s nothing wrong with having standards. We all have some.

If someone is old enough to have kids who are my age, I wouldn’t date him, her, or them. Facts.

I’d much rather be single than in a less-than-ideal relationship. That’s what experience has taught me.

I'm with you on the large age differences, when one of the people is very young. I don't think massive inequalities like that can be good for relationships. Age isn't just a number. It's the weight of accrued knowledge and experience that comes with being older. A much younger person is always going to have to defer to that to some extent. Your position in the relationship is always going to be diminished by your lack of age/experience. What would that do to you over time? Nothing good.

It's a bit like when one person in a relationship is really wealthy and pays for everything. The other person is always going to feel beholden in some sense.

I'm also suspicious of why older people want to be in relationships with very young people. Apart from the obvious reason. It suggests the desire for an unequal relationship to me and that can't be good.

I think it gets less important if both parties have had a bit more life experience, it's just 50-plussers dating 20-somethings that I think is problematic. What would you even talk about?

I think it’s even hard when a person is my age (or when I was a few years younger) and the other person is around 60. My experience with those situations is that the other person was pursuing me because I was younger, not because we had a lot in common or whatever.

I think it’s easier to relate to someone who is closer to me in age. We’d have more in common.

Once I observed a relationship between a 60 year old and a 20 year old. It was a very exploitative situation because she was very vulnerable and he was an as*hole. Seeing them kiss was just….

Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 04 Jul 2023, 8:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

The biggest age difference I've had was a man 14 years older. Age didn't stand out as a problem because we're both ND and he has a brain injury too. He acted a lot younger than he was and he wasn't into talking about social things. We mostly talked about Music or our pets. In a normal situation though, I can't see myself with a much-older or much-younger NT partner. Much younger would be a disaster because I do appreciate people with life experience. Much older? Nope. I'm not into wanting to nurse some man through his inevitable health concerns or watch him die. Beyond that I think I'd feel patronised since I tend to feel younger than I am on the inside. I wouldn't want to feel like he's clutching at my exuberance or youth as any part of the attraction.

Older people who pursued me were somewhat patronizing and tried to act like wise father figures or something. Super creepy. One of them was constantly giving me unsolicited advice about stuff even when I asked him not to.

There’s no way I’d want to date someone who was still in their 20’s.

Somewhere around mid-30’s to late 40’s is what I would consider acceptable.

This may be off topic but are you even interested in dating after what you've been through with your husband?

Are you interested? (JK )

At this point, I would be open to dating if the right person came along. I’d much rather be alone than find myself in a lousy relationship again, though.

My partner's dad remarried to a 28 year old in his 60s. My partner was also 28 at the time. Ick. We had to go to their wedding. It was weird.

Strangely though, I'm not sure who was exploited in this relationship. He reversed his vasectomy, pumped out four kids over the course of 10 years which pretty much broke him physically and mentally, he has manic depressive episodes now and is on so much medication he's a zombie, more or less. When he got too much trouble she kicked him out and the kids are f*cked up, unsurprisingly.

I also used to go to a writers group that was run by a woman in her early 30s, I'd guess, but she had a boyfriend who must have been late 60s/early 70s. He'd show up to the group even though he wasn't a writer and he'd regularly pull rank on her, putting her in her place like a father and she always looked really embarrassed about it. It was hard to watch, I didn't stay in that group long.

^^

Do you like spicy food?
Can I have my own bedroom?
Will there be dogs?

OUCH. This all makes me cringe.

Do you like spicy food? Yes!
Can I have my own bedroom? Yes!!
Will there be dogs? Yes!! !

I think we are MFEO (made for each other).

You'd have to promise to watch Fleabag.

Done!