Autistic Author Kay Kerr Shares Dating Advice in new book

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“I hope this book adds nuance and depth to conversations around what it means to be autistic, and I hope autistic people feel celebrated and understood,” Kay Kerr tells me of her freshly released book Love & Autism.

Kay is a critically acclaimed autistic author and journalist from Queensland’s Sunshine Coast.

Love & Autism — published to coincide with Autism Awareness Month — is a celebration of neurodivergent love, following the stories of five Aussies to give readers an insight into dating as a person with autism.

Here, Kay chats to PEDESTRIAN about the inspiration behind the book and what we can all learn about neurodivergent love, whether you’re part of the community or not.

I absolutely love both the concept and the format of Love & Autism. Tell me a bit about what inspired the book and your process in conducting the research…
Thank you so much. It has been an intense experience, and it feels surreal to have finally reached publication month. Time for a nap! Writing is usually wholly solitary for me, but from the start of this project, it has been an exercise in collaboration and community, and the result is all the better for it.

The project came about in a fortuitous kind of way – my publisher, Alex [Lloyd] got in contact about what a non-fiction book from me might look like, and we worked together on a pitch. I had previously written two YA novels and was doing a bit of freelance writing publicising those, so I guess I came across his radar that way. And the idea of weaving together the life stories of multiple autistic people felt like a beautiful way to explore the different ways autistic lives can look, as well as the similar threads that can run through for so many of us.

The research process unfolded as I was writing, in that I followed the parts of the stories that interested me and looked for more information around topics that popped up, such as mental health, bullying, loneliness, communication, and special interests, to name a few.
When speaking to each of the participants, were there any common or recurring themes and findings that you noticed?
There were so many! Having a hard time with traditional schooling was a common thread, particularly the social elements of high school, but also the academic side for some as well.

This resonated with my own personal experience too – school is very often not a safe and nurturing place for autistic students. A lot needs to change in this space.

Experiencing loss of self-identity or self-worth trying to fit into the neurotypical mould, whether that was in the home or at work or in relationships was another one. And the flipside of that, which is the positive impact of carving out a life that works with your brain rather than against it.

What do you hope people get from reading this, both the autistic community and everyone else?
I hope readers enjoy getting to know the incredible people who have shared their lives in hopes of carving a better path for other autistic people. I hope this book adds nuance and depth to conversations around what it means to be autistic, and I hope autistic people feel celebrated and understood.

Do you have any dating advice for autistic people?
I would say, being autistic does not make you ‘less than’ when it comes to relationships of any kind. So much of the language around autism is deficit-focused and it can be easy to internalise that and start to believe it about yourself. Communication is a two-way street, and people need to put as much effort into learning your communication style as you put into learning theirs.

I would also say, plan for success. Choose locations, activities, and times that work for you, rather than doing something because you feel like that is what the date ‘should’ be. That probably also goes for people. Choose people who support you and show up for you as you are, not who they think you ‘should’ be. ‘Should’ has gotten me into so many hard situations, and when I got rid of ‘should’ and let myself be, things got a lot better.

You were diagnosed with autism as an adult, did learning that you have autism impact your approach to dating at all?
Despite not having that self-knowledge, I still brought that deficit mindset to relationships throughout my life. That is because my kind of brain is not the most common kind of brain, and a lot of what is framed as the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to do things socially is based on the neurotypical experience – it is not universal, despite what many people believe. I was already in a relationship when I was diagnosed, but learning this about myself still changed the way I am within that relationship. It led me to self-advocate more, to understand my own needs more, especially around rest, and to show up more authentically for people, which has improved all my relationship

I'm not going to take dating advice from an autistic woman.

Because autistic men and autistic women have vastly different experiences when it comes to dating so a lot of the advice you'd get from a woman doesn't apply if you're a guy.

Plus Kay is a young and reasonably attractive woman which likely contributes to her success with dating. When you're a young and attractive woman, it's not that hard to get dates and find a boyfriend, regardless of your diagnosis.

I'd rather taking dating advice from a man than a woman.

One thing she wrote that struck me is when she says you shouldn't see autism as a deficit.

I think it is a disability and therefore a deficit.

But, as said above, her experience would be different.
So she could transcend her disability.

Whereas the men starting 'i can't get a date' threads can't.