Dating as a Fundie

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Sorry, I was just trying to say that I saw that as the main problem, not arguing for it, it seemed like it was ok here since this thread is pretty much case in point. I apologize for the unwelcome aside.

I thought that might be the case. I just didn’t want this to turn into a dating how-to for fundies because I think it’s pretty damn toxic and should be avoided at all costs. It’s also likely that many won’t read the OP since it’s so long.

The number of people I know in unhappy marriages is staggering. Their notion of men and women’s place in marriage is perhaps the main problem. Many of them would leave or divorce if it were allowed. Their views kept me in an abusive marriage for a long time.

They think that if a marriage doesn’t end in divorce it’s a success. In my experience, relationships can be successful even if they come to an end, and marriages can be failures even if they don’t. I’m not a fan of marriage and will never remarry. Living in sin has a nice ring to it, though.

Dont worry....I wont be posting that thread.

I also grew up in a fundie family.

My parents were like "nooo dating is evil, you have to court someone and have them meet with the family instead of going on dates".

And then I turned out to be gay.

How did that go over? My family doesn’t know that I’m a demisexual pansexual. It would not go over well at all. They are homophobic.

I actually did try sexting once. We roleplayed as a lesbian couple.

....it was underwhelming. Probably cuz I'm asexual.

My mom had this whole "I love you but I can't support this" response.

My sister (closeted transgender) is not an atheist, but after trying to be a good Christian man for 3 years, she just couldn't anymore. She believes God exists, but more in a Deist kinda way. From what she's told me, it's more that she tried to fit the mold and just couldn't than just her being trans. Though I'm sure being trans in a transphobic religious community was still a gigantic turn off.

I on the other hand am set to convert to Catholicism, so we've kinda gone opposite ways in that regard.

I found it underwhelming when I’ve done it, and I’m not asexual. They’d be so pushy about it, like when I’d be out running errands or just wasn’t into it for whatever reason. Then I’d hear about the fatal illness which is blue balls. Maybe it’s more like I found them (the guy and his balls) underwhelming.

Anyway, a couple of young fundie men would try to have sexual conversations with me when I was still in and then they’d feel guilty about it. It was all so weird. I’d think that they actually liked me and wanted something more based on how I was raised because sex was for marriage. My knowledge of sex was very minimal.

Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 02 Jun 2023, 6:01 pm, edited 2 times in total.

My parents wont let me date anybody so its really a moot point. They are like I cant support a wife and family because I am disabled and unemployed so they wont let me date anyone anymore.

You are 32. Your parents can’t control your love life.

Well my mom said I can date but I dont have the personal money aside from retirement to date or pay for a dating site.

It seems that a lot of 'non-mainstream' sects are very socially isolating. This seems doomed to lead to a high degree of control over the members of that sect with no real benefits for those members.

It seems like the sort of thing that people would recognize as harmful when it's some other sect behaving that way and still fail to acknowledge as harmful as it's literally harming them.

That qualifies them as cults.  Other signs include:

• Deceptive: The group uses deceptive means to recruit new members; and then once recruited will subject its members to an organized program of thought reform, or what most people refer to as brainwashing.

• Dire Warnings: A very important aspect of cult is the idea that if you leave the cult, horrible things will happen to you. This is important, and it's important to realize that people outside of a cult are potential members, so they're not looked upon as negatively as people inside the cult who then leave the cult.

• Exploitive: Typical cults also exploit their members. Within the group, they'll exploit members financially, psychologically, emotionally and sexually.

• Extraordinary Claims: Be wary of any leader who proclaims him or herself as having divinity, special powers, or special insight.

• Hard Sell: Beware of any kind of pressure to make a quick decision about becoming involved in any intensive kind of activity or organization.

• Isolative: The group is so closed so that, although there may be outside followers, there is usually an inner circle that follows the leader without question, and that maintains a tremendous amount of secrecy and control.

• Manipulative: They will push you to obey by using guilt. They will demand complete "submission" to the group, its leaders and its teachings. They will do this by making you feel absolutely rotten about yourself. They will ridicule you and attack any weakness you might have (or invent weaknesses you might have if they cannot find any). Their goal is to break your will by causing you mental anguish.

• Secretive: Cultic groups tend to try very hard to remain secretive. They do not want a lot of notoriety or negative attention. Most cults are extremely small and very deliberately try to to stay "under the radar". Unless they commit a crime, unless they do something that draws attention to them -- negative attention and criticism -- Law Enforcement generally does not know about them.

• Social Control: If you are told who you can or cannot talk to or associate with.  You are told whom to marry, and dating or 'courtship' is out of the question.  Only certain attitudes and behaviors are acceptable, and they are mostly gender-based (e.g., men are allowed more leeway than women, who must remain quiet and submissive to men).

• Unquestionable: They do not allow their teachings or practices to be questioned. If you question, then automatically the group assumes that something is wrong with you.  It can never be the case that anything is wrong with the group's practices or teachings.  Often they will try to shut you down by accusing you of having a "bad attitude".

My group and a lot of other ones like to pick at other religions when they themselves are just as bad if not worse. Christian cults usually like to nitpick about how some other groups aren’t following the Bible in a certain way - in the supposed correct way. JWs especially liked to pick on Catholics over doctrinal issues and child abuse until their own extensive issues with child abuse came to light. It was incredibly obvious. One week, they were happily engaged in Catholic bashing; the next week a documentary on JW child abuse coverups came out, and they stopped talking about Catholics as far as child abuse goes.

ANYWAY, members often refuse to acknowledge any wrongdoing with their cult and focus on issues in other groups instead. Sometimes, they’d claim that victims of child abuse were lying or that they weren’t to blame for failing to report. When other groups commit misbehavior, it’s because they’re “bad.” When they do it, they are “right” and it’s justified. It’s sickening. They’d pick on Muslims over their treatment of women when they themselves are very misogynistic.

When people think that their group is the sole source of Truth, it leads to all sorts of mental gymnastics and denial to uphold that belief. People practice thought-stopping techniques to avoid unpleasant feelings of cognitive dissonance. I’ve certainly been there.

I think that even if I didn’t have autism I’d still be weird due to my isolated upbringing.

Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 02 Jun 2023, 9:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

^^ I’ve experienced all of those.

The terms “cult” or “high control group” are appropriate. “Sect” is often used interchangeably with “denomination” and does not imply a high level of control.

Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 02 Jun 2023, 9:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.