Bridging The Gap Between Myself and Prospective Partners

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When I vent my frustration and sadness about never having been in a relationship at almost 27 years old, I'm often met with suggestions that I take steps to make myself more appealing to prospective partners. What people suggesting this neglect to account for is the fact that I've made several attempts at this already, and even when I'm successful at improving myself, it still never results in any change in my love life. It's easy for other people to tell me that I should do this or that to improve myself and thus my dating prospects, but they don't have to deal with the sh*tty, demoralising feeling I get after doing what I'm "supposed to" do and still being no better off romantically.

When I lost 40kg, I genuinely thought my dating prospects had to improve, but they didn't. That made me realise that I could lose weight, put on muscle, learn to drive, get a good job and all the rest of it, but if I'm unable to meet and connect with prospective partners, it's all unlikely to make any difference to my love life.

I'm having a hard time even imagining how it could come about that I could start dating someone. I'm overcome with grief and sadness over never having had a partner, I'm extremely insecure about being inexperienced, not knowing what to do, and how that reflects an apparent lack of desirability. I have a hard time forming connections with people deeper than acquaintance-level, and both that difficulty and my introversion are exacerbated by the weight of the emotional burden I bear and the way it makes me feel about myself. I'm coming into contact with very few women organically, and there's little reason to think that I'm going to have any success at making connections just by putting myself out there given how hopeless I feel and how it's making me just want to withdraw.

All of the above would still be a major problem if I lost weight, learned to drive and got a better job (unless that job was itself an avenue for meeting women). Sure, I'd feel a bit better about myself if I achieved these things, but not enough to neutralise the insecurities and feelings of hopelessness mentioned above, because I don't see those things making any difference if I can't bridge the gap between myself and prospective partners.

It'd be so much easier if I could find someone whom I knew was interested in dating me and just go from there, as that would mute my insecurities enough where I might be able to make things work from there, but there's a snowball's chance in hell of that ever happening.

I seem to be trapped in a self-perpetuating cycle where my insecurities, past negative experiences and lack of confidence in the dating arena prevent me from being able to put myself out there with any kind of positive attitude, but not putting myself out there and not meeting women in other ways translates to an astronomically low chance of finding a partner, thus reinforcing the notion that no one wants me and I'm undesirable, again making me not want to put myself out there, and so on.

I don't know how to break the cycle. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel optimistic about being able to get a girlfriend given what I've been through, and I also don't see how I can actually get a girlfriend while I feel the way I do.

In what general kind of place do you live? (e.g. large city, small city, suburb, rural town?) Do you have convenient transportation access to any major city?

Another question: You once were about to get a job, but ended up not taking it because of a requirement that you remove your beard. Can you explain why your beard is so important to you? For example: Does your beard cover up an ugly scar? Or are you physically unable to shave without cutting yourself or irritating your skin? (Many autistic people are physically clumsy in ways that might make shaving difficult, and some of us have skin conditions that might be exacerbated by shaving.) Or does the shape of your face make you feel ugly, somehow, without a beard? Or do you practice a religion (e.g. Sikhism) that forbids shaving?

I live in a major city.


Nothing like that. I'm attached to my beard in the same sort of way that someone with long hair might be attached to their hair. It's part of my identity.

You could aim for friendship. and friendship is a two way street. If it is only you who regularly have to reach out, then that is not a friend. Friendship is like a love life, the only missing part is romance and intimacy. Yes intimacy comes in many forms.

So why a friendship? A friendship allows you to be you. Allows you to vent and the other person will listen, and you in return for when they need it. They care and respect you. They said they would call you, but never did. A true friend will apologise because they respect and care for you, also importantly, reschedule. If they don't, then they are just being cordial and you should not put in more energy and time.

We don't live in a perfect world, the friendship cannot be perfect all the time, however there is good percentage where that is true, lets say the majority of time. Friends will also have conflict. It is, more about the "how do we resolve the conflict" part? Do we laugh about the past misunderstandings and fights? If so then that is a good sign of a friend.

Lets say you have reached the friendship stage, you feel secure in the friendship, but your friend does not want to be more than that. Then don't give it more, it will always be that and not more. It has to be their decision and we as a friend have to respect that. They also have the right to change their mind, but this is not something we change.

We continue to be friends, but now we make more friends. So friendships shouldn't just be your focus on one person.

My personal opinion is, if you are approaching this person to be romantic with, but you are trying to be their friend first. I think you should let them know soon, that your intentions of becoming a friend with them is because you are romantically interested in them. So that they are not shocked later. It gives them a choice, just as much if someone approached you, you will have a choice and not be blind sided.

Not everyone wants to be your friend, that is ok. It makes it easier for us to know where not to spend our time and energy. If you feel constantly rejected. Remember the feelings that you feel now, will pass. Give it some time, perhaps 2 weeks. And maintain the friendships that you already created, as I mentioned before, it is a two way street. Both needs to keep the friendship alive.

Where do we make friends? It could be work, sounds like a place we shouldn't, it could be in a shop, it could be a food market. If they give you a fake number, then they are just being cordial, and we accept that they were protecting their own feelings because they were not brave enough to say to you that they are not interested in you. That is ok, because we do not control them. We are however brave enough to do so. Then lastly, consistency in who you are and who they are. Not to be interpreted as permanent, but who they are as a whole. We are meant to grow as a person, so that means, when we allow ourselves to grow, then we will see new avenues open up to us.

So does this all mean, that the person interested in you is the one who approaches you? Not really, it means, it is the person who accepts you for who you are, who is consistent, they show that they care and respect consistently (there are exceptions, no one is perfect). They are interested in who you are as a person, because they ask and show through their actions. Not because you like to blow of steam and they only listen. They also need to know that you are capable of doing the same, just listen, don't give advice. The irony of that statement because here I am giving advice, but in my defense, you asked.

Rejection sucks, it hurts, it can take a huge toll. We need to learn, not how to make things personal, all the time. Allow time to pass, if you are taking more than two weeks, you are making it too personal. It was their decision and we must respect it. Someone who have come to learn these qualities themselves, will value and see what you have to offer and will value you. You need to expose yourself to the world so that they can see you, though your words and your actions, consistently. We cannot hide from the world forever. I know it is painful and being anxious is no joke and overwhelming. It will get better with time, as we continue to put ourselves out there. There is growth, through the hard times.

If you made a joke, and they distance themselves. Don't make it personal, you want someone who gets you. They might just be as scared to open up, but your consistency will show them, that they can also be themselves around you.

The romance and intimacy is the part I care so deeply about. You'll notice I never once mentioned the word friends here because the only way having friends could help me feel better is if they connected me with a romantic partner.

If there's no realistic prospect of a romantic relationship being established then I don't care to take much social initiative. I'm not going to be particularly interested in putting effort into establishing other kinds of connections until I've satisfied my pervasive longing for romantic intimacy. Never having had a girlfriend for as long as I have despite wanting one kills my motivation to undertake pretty much anything other than a pursuit that could plausibly get me a girlfriend, and that's a high bar after what I've been through.

Have you ever had any close friends? If so, how many and for how long?

If you've never had any close friends, then it seems to me that that may be one of your biggest barriers to finding a romantic partner. Trying to have a romantic relationship without first having had experience with platonic friendship is, in my opinion, a little like trying to learn calculus without having learned algebra.

I had close friends from late primary school up until a couple of years ago. Not all the same people.

That number started to decline a few years out of high school, and I'd say I've had no close friends for the past few years or so

You may wish to follow this conversation, in which nick007 shares his unorthodox approach to breaking a similar vicious cycle.

Well I mean crap, you have to actually go out to where you could meet people, but there is no garantee you'd meet anyone so it creates a vicious cycle. I am sorry I don't have anything to say that would make you feel better...but well no one can meet you if you are being a hermit...

either way my life seems wierd, sure I have a boyfriend but I don't have any other friends and I wish I could have friends I just don't know how to make friends and get friends. But somehow I got a boyfriend even with my lack of friends and such.

There doesn't need to be a guarantee that I'll meet someone, but I don't feel like there's any real chance at all. I've been seriously interested in having a girlfriend for more than half of my entire life, and it still hasn't happened yet. Now, I'm at a point where I'm desperate, devastated, and don't particularly want to be alive if I can't satisfy this longing. Add to that my aspergers-related difficulties with body language fluency and keeping small talk going which might be manageable on their own, but are exacerbated by the intense depression and despair I'm experiencing and it's hard to imagine any scenario where I meet someone and it goes somewhere.

If I could make sense of how and in what scenario I have a real chance of meeting someone who might actually like me, I'd be more inclined to try, but in the complete absence of reasons to be optimistic about future attempts after the many fruitless attempts that have preceded them, and with all the reasons I have to lack confidence and feel insecure about dating, I can't imagine how or why there's any chance I'd be successful if I tried to put myself out there.

I'm on board with dating someone who has issues that I can be supportive of, but being in Australia rather than The States means that the propsects of finding someone on a forum who is close by enough that I can actually get to be with them are very low, never mind whether they're actually interested in me in the first place. Dating someone from the other side of the world would mean I'm still going to be missing out on a lot of the most important aspects of being in a relationship, like physical intimacy and spending time together.

If we could come up with places where I might be able to meet someone from my city ideally, or at least my country, I'd be inclined to pursue those avenues.

But you're healthier, which is an improvement to your life for its own sake. You learned to drive, so you have greater independence. You get a good job will provide financial stability, comfort, and maybe even introduce you to new people.

Doing these things will remove hurdles and make you an overall better person with a better life.



Paul from the YT channel "Asperger's From The Inside" is in Australia. I think he's got an online community group which skews mostly Australian. I recommend looking into that group, or asking him about groups in Australia.

Don't go into them looking for dates; go in looking to meet fellow Aussie Aspies and make new friends. That might eventually lead to meeting someone for a relationship.

To Grand Inquisitor:

I saw this just now:

Since you're in Australia, perhaps this means Hiki might have a chance of working well for you?

Do you have a good job?