should i move on or fight for love?

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Mar_Mar
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27 Jul 2023, 4:40 pm

i just got out of a relationship with a girl i thought was made for me. we were so perfect and catered to each others likes so well. she was good with my little brother i was good with her family we told each other we loved each other and both cared immensely for one another after only dating for a few months. she cared about my silly interests, was close to my friends group, was endlessly pretty, amazingly talented at art and tattooing.
i saw her 3-4 times a week and dreamt about her endlessly. but a week ago she was got really stressed and i think i bothered her too much and she told me that she thought it was best if she wasn't in a relationship. this whole situation has confused me so much if she loved me why would she treat me like this (she dumped me over text after not seeing her for a week) and if she was so stressed why would she push me away? i've tried texting her after the fact but she hasn't opened my message. i can't tell if she was really upset and trying to figure herself out or if she was just tired of me and wanted an easy excuse. but she really was the sweetest and kindest person. all my friends say i should let her go and move on but i want to give her another chance. is that too naive? i feel i should fight for who i care about and if she is struggling my support can't do harm.



DanielW
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27 Jul 2023, 5:04 pm

From what you've written about this person, they've said already that "They didn't think they were in a relationship" and "it was best for her that she wasn't in a relationship". They've very clearly shown you how they are feeling right now. Why can't you believe that? She's also said very clearly that if she loved you she wouldn't be treating you like this. Is she lying? (It doesn't sound like it to me)

If you really care bout this person. why can't you respect their needs? Especially when they have clearly indicated to you that they don't want a relationship. This person has been very clear - If she is struggling and you want to REALLY be supportive...you need to back up and back off. Ignoring what the other person wants and needs is not being supportive and is in fact very harmful so stop.

This person knows how to contact you if it is in fact something she want to do in the future.



Mar_Mar
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27 Jul 2023, 5:13 pm

your right i need to respect her boundaries and listen to what she's been telling me she watches all of my stories on instagram on all four of her accounts and it makes me feel so off i guess she just wants to check on me and how i'm doing. thank you so much i really needed this reality



CryingForHelp
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27 Jul 2023, 6:12 pm

It’s probably best you give up on this particular person, though maybe not leave the door closed if they come to you.

Don’t ever, however, give up on love itself unless you truly would enjoy being alone more.



Fnord
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27 Jul 2023, 7:28 pm

Give up, walk away, never look back, and let her new boyfriend deal with her drama.



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27 Jul 2023, 9:16 pm

Meh if they pull the whole 'you're better off without me' stunt, then you probably are since they have already given up on making it work. I had a guy do that to me in the past, and it really sucked but I managed to move on even though it was painful.

That said he broke it off, by just not calling me for a couple days and moving all the way to another state, like he could have at least been honest he wasn't in the right place, but he tried to ghost me. At least this woman you interacted with told you she felt she shouldn't be in a relationship before leaving. Because for me it was news to me this guy maybe wasn't ready to be in a relationship.

I mean for sure he did have some weird things going on like a baby he fathered with his ex, but the ex got full custody but still demaned he visit but he wasn't allowed to date anyone else because of her...but he was dating me. So he probably left cause it was a lot to deal with but he could have at least told me it wasn't going to work out before driving out to california. Like on my end I didn't hear from him in a couple weeks and I didn't know if he was ok or not..he didn't break up with me just left, and I guess assumed I just wouldn't care or something but I did in fact care a lot and was so mad he did that without even like telling me. So Idk if a person cannot even be honest with you, why should you give them a second chance even if they do offer it in the future.

That guy did text me again after all that a few years later, but I didn't really want to see him again at that point so I just ignored it.


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Last edited by Sweetleaf on 27 Jul 2023, 9:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Fnord
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27 Jul 2023, 9:23 pm

What they say vs. What they mean

"All of my exes have been crazy" vs "I drove all my exes crazy."

"I am not interested in anything serious." vs "This is a booty call."

"I am not looking for a relationship right now." vs "I am not looking for a relationship with you."

"I do not want to ruin our friendship." vs "I do not want to have sex with you."

"I need more space." vs "I want to meet someone new."

"It is not you, it is me." vs "It is definitely you."

"Let us remain friends." vs "I never want to see you again."

"This relationship is not working out." vs "I have met someone else."

"You are better off without me." vs "I am better off without you."

"You are too good for me." vs "I am too good for you."



Mona Pereth
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28 Jul 2023, 8:31 pm

Fnord wrote:
What they say vs. What they mean

[...]

"It is not you, it is me." vs "It is definitely you."

Or this might be a way of expressing a mutual incompatibility. It is, IMO, better to take responsibility for one's own end of the incompatibility than to blame the other person.

Fnord wrote:
"Let us remain friends." vs "I never want to see you again."

Some people really do remain friends with exes, or with at least some people whom they were briefly courting.

How common this is varies by subculture. It was extremely commonplace among lesbians 20 to 40 years ago, and I suspect (though I'm not sure) that it is still commonplace among lesbians. Among heterosexuals, I suspect that it is most common among highly educated folks.

In any case, remaining friends is highly desirable if a divorcing/separating couple has children and neither partner was majorly abusive.


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29 Jul 2023, 7:32 am

Perhaps she didn't like being in a relationship. Sometimes people in good relationships break up with partners they love because they prefer being single. Me & my girlfriend ocasionally have conversations about how we don't understand why some people do that. I guess neither of us can relate to loving the single lifestyle. I agree with CFH. It's best to try & move on but if she suggests getting back together & your still single & are interested, you can get back together.


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30 Jul 2023, 7:28 am

Mar_Mar wrote:
i just got out of a relationship with a girl i thought was made for me. we were so perfect and catered to each others likes so well. she was good with my little brother i was good with her family we told each other we loved each other and both cared immensely for one another after only dating for a few months. she cared about my silly interests, was close to my friends group, was endlessly pretty, amazingly talented at art and tattooing.
i saw her 3-4 times a week and dreamt about her endlessly. but a week ago she was got really stressed and i think i bothered her too much and she told me that she thought it was best if she wasn't in a relationship. this whole situation has confused me so much if she loved me why would she treat me like this (she dumped me over text after not seeing her for a week) and if she was so stressed why would she push me away? i've tried texting her after the fact but she hasn't opened my message. i can't tell if she was really upset and trying to figure herself out or if she was just tired of me and wanted an easy excuse. but she really was the sweetest and kindest person. all my friends say i should let her go and move on but i want to give her another chance. is that too naive? i feel i should fight for who i care about and if she is struggling my support can't do harm.


She sent you mixed signals. The last one is the one you are supposed to pay attention to. I know it is confusing. If they respected you, then they would have respected you, but you are not getting that from this person. Going to be painful, cut her loose and try your best to move on. Take your time, try not to fill the gap with someone else. Then you end up doing the same hurt to that person, than what she did with you. It sucks to be in this situation and it is OK not to feel OK. Time will pass, might take a very long time, if you allow yourself to heal.



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30 Jul 2023, 3:19 pm

Fnord wrote:
Give up, walk away, never look back, and let her new boyfriend deal with her drama.


You clearly missed the fact that OP is female, so boyfriends aren’t in the equation here.


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