Why is it hard for me to find a man who is actually close to

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Mikurotoro92
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08 Nov 2023, 7:23 pm

My age?

Jonathan at Day Program is really sweet and kind but he is 12 years older than me!

I don't think there are any guys at Day Program who are my age or close to my age

I read online that it's a good thing to have an older partner but I would think that would be problematic for when we would start having sex or if I was to become pregnant

Should I go on a date with this man and see where it goes?

Or hold out hope for someone closer to my age to come along?

What do you think?

Thanks in advance!


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TwilightPrincess
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08 Nov 2023, 7:33 pm

Do you like Jonathan other than the fact that he’s older? Do you have things in common? Is he nice? 12 years isn’t too bad if that’s the only concern. Of course, different things matter to different people.


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DirkGently69
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08 Nov 2023, 8:02 pm

It depends on what criteria you are applying whilst looking for a bf. It sounds like you’re trying to pick one purely from the people who go to your day program. That’s a very small group to select from. Personally I would wait until you meet someone in real life or online who you really click with. You don’t want to be stuck in a relationship that you started out compromising your ideals to begin with.



IsabellaLinton
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08 Nov 2023, 8:09 pm

Why would it be problematic if you had sex or babies?
I don't get that.

If his age is problematic then it's going to be problematic for everything, not just that.

I don't think it's appropriate for you to find someone in your day program.
That's a therapeutic setting and it's likely not a healthy option, regardless of his age.


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TwilightPrincess
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08 Nov 2023, 8:21 pm

Maybe it depends on the type of day program. He might be an upgrade from Jerry.


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IsabellaLinton
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08 Nov 2023, 8:30 pm

Anyone's an upgrade from Jerry in my opinion.
He shouldn't even be an option (again, my opinion.)

Regarding the day program I've heard before that it's not allowed, kind of like the fact we aren't supposed to date people from work, or from group therapy for depression and mental health. It distracts the focus of the group and personal growth, or something like that. Whoever runs the program might get in trouble if it happens.

Maybe I'm wrong. I know it limits the field and it's frustrating. I used to date people from work, myself. Being autistic I didn't go out anywhere to actually meet people anywhere else.


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DirkGently69
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08 Nov 2023, 8:37 pm

I think IL is right. Trying to date someone who is using that service just doesn’t feel right. Saying that, if you don’t go anywhere else it’s going to be very hard to meet someone. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Limited options for real life relationship, or meeting someone online, which carries its own problems. Good luck, whatever you choose.



TwilightPrincess
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08 Nov 2023, 8:41 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Anyone's an upgrade from Jerry in my opinion.
He shouldn't even be an option (again, my opinion.)

Regarding the day program I've heard before that it's not allowed, kind of like the fact we aren't supposed to date people from work, or from group therapy for depression and mental health. It distracts the focus of the group and personal growth, or something like that. Whoever runs the program might get in trouble if it happens.

Maybe I'm wrong. I know it limits the field and it's frustrating. I used to date people from work, myself. Being autistic I didn't go out anywhere to actually meet people anywhere else.
I suppose it depends on the workplace and day program. I’ve known people who’ve dated at both locations. Most, if not all, of the jobs I’ve had, including my last one, were perfectly okay with coworkers dating, as they should be in my opinion. What people do after hours should be entirely up to them as long as it’s legal.

If the day program is for mental illness specifically, it would certainly be a bad idea, though.

Otherwise, she might want to check with a counselor at the program and see what the protocol is like there.


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Mikurotoro92
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08 Nov 2023, 9:27 pm

I think it's okay to have a relationship but intimacy (touching, kissing and sex) has to be done outside of Day Program

People have had boyfriends and girlfriends that they met through the program

It IS allowed but Day Program is not a dating service and it's more about making friends than finding true love!

As for Jonathan the age gap is my only issue with dating him

He isn't a criminal like Jerry


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TwilightPrincess
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08 Nov 2023, 9:30 pm

If you don’t mind saying, what exactly is your day program for? Do you know what Jonathon’s difficulties are?


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Mikurotoro92
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08 Nov 2023, 9:33 pm

It's to get out into the community and make friends

Love is just a bonus

I am not sure but he might be Autistic

I will ask him


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TwilightPrincess
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08 Nov 2023, 9:38 pm

You should probably get the feedback of a counselor. They won't tell you anything personal about him, but I'm sure that they'd be able to give you better advice since they know you both. They'd know things about him that we don't. They could tell you if it would be a bad idea or not. I don't think that the age difference is a problem if everything else about the situation is good, and you like him.


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blitzkrieg
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08 Nov 2023, 9:42 pm

A 30 year old and a 42 year old dating is normal.

Good luck with your dating prospects, Mikurotoro.



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08 Nov 2023, 10:34 pm

If age is a hang-up, don't pursue.
If it's not, don't consider it.


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09 Nov 2023, 5:38 am

I have been far too picky in my past. Kept being told by others "There's plenty of time". Then one hits ones 40's and early 50's and reality sets in. The reality that finding someone special is actually very rare!

Don't let the age gap be a problem if you like him and get along well with him!

The only time age is an issue is if one personally thinks of age (Some people do) or if the age gap itself causes issues such as both liking different things to the extent that it is difficult to find common ground. Example is (I will take it to extremes just to show what I mean) if the girl is still into her teenage stuff and wants to go dancing etc, and the elderly gent is not up to such a wild life!
(It is perfectly legal for an 18 year old (Or 16 with parents permission) to date an 80 year old and marry here in the UK, though the practicalities of that and the fact that the marriage would be a short one so she would suffer his early death... But legally no one would be doing anything wrong... As long as they really love each other and care for each other so it is not about money (As young women have taken advantage and done this for the guys money in the past) why should anyone stop this? And it can happen the other way round too where an elderly lady and a young man fwll in love.
My eldest cousin fell in love when he was in his late 20's with a lady who was around 16 years older. A mutual friend told him that she was younger than she was and told her he was older than he was and they fell in love. By the time they found out each others ages, love was too strong to break and they married!

Despite the steriotype mindset, it is actually rare to find couples of their own age. Is common in school years for their first date, but in adult life in general it is not that common, as most couples have a 3 to 5 or more year age gap, and there are likely to be more with a ten year age gap than there are of the same age. This is logical as the availability of a potential partner ones own age is limited, where if one expands on this and widens the age group, for every year one widens the age group one amplifies the availability by a large margin...
(I would say one doubles the availability for every year one widens it, BUT the older one gets the fewer single people available there are, so instead of doubling every year, I would say doubling every three years if one is young and doubling every 5 or 8 years as one is older? And if one is a pensioner it is harder again because it is not only the availability of those who dont have partners are limited, but also many have died off... Though this can bring more being available!)

What I am saying is don't look so much at age if you find him attractive and get on well with him and he feels the same way about you.

BUT don't jump into things straight away either as go slow. Never rush! Try just dating if you want to.

If he is staff then there may be a hurdle as though real genuine love can flow between you, such things must be discussed with his employers to see where the limits are as it could be seen as taking advantage of the vunerable on his behalf... (Usually isn't the case but as it can be on rare cases, rules can be set up to stop this... Which if it is the case check this first. If he is a daycare patient, I see no problem whatsoever as long as you know his limitations and he knows yours. Love is love!)

My Mum said something to me in the past. She said "Finding oneself a wife (Husband etc) is one of the few areas where ages, religion, race, intelligence or ones social background (As in wealth status etc) does not matter". And she is right! Not saying it would be easy though as religious beliefs run deep so to marry someone of a different religion can cause issues, BUT LOVE overcomes. The same as a homeless person marrying someone rich. They may have a little conflict with oppinions, but LOVE overcomes! The same as race where ones background could be very different and cause problems, BUT LOVE overcomes! A person with a low I.Q. can marry someone with a high I.Q. As long as they really love each other! There may be problems but LOVE overcomes!


I write this as society expects certain things and many of these expectations destroy peoples futures as they try to comply. They would have been VERY HAPPY had they listened to the LOVE they had and not let society brainwash them into wrong ways of thinking!


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BTDT
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09 Nov 2023, 9:01 am

Another way of looking at it. If a guy is 42 and has kids when he is 45, his kids will be fully grown before he retires!
So, IMHO, that is certainly young enough if you want to have a family.