Aspie crush flirts but denies it

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Hi,

Pretty much what the title says. I have a crush on a man with autism level one. He flirts with me; and I mean actual flirting. He does not treat any other women that we know the same. He gets very nervous around me, stares at me all the time, often gets flustered and runs away. He also, in a very scripted way, calls m beautiful, tells me I smell good, tells me he misses me when I’m gone.

He has extensive dating experience; he is in his 40s, attractive, and well-off. However, that doesn’t negate his autistic traits.

Because he has autism, I realized that I might need to make the first move. After nine months of this behavior, I told him that I was interested in him, and that I had been nervous to move things forward, but wanted to take the chance. I said this over writing so he would have some time to digest it. He came to me with a big smile, and told me that he was so happy and so flattered, but that he didn’t think that he was the type of man that would make me happy, he wasn’t interested in me that way, and that some other guy would end up with me and be my forever person. This confused me because I had never said anything about wanting him to be my forever person. I told him it was fine and not to worry about it. He told me that he thought I was beautiful and amazing and wanted to deepen our friendship. However, whenever he heard about dates I was going on, he would get very upset and openly jealous. He would angrily stare down men who even tried to talk to me as friends. He started doing the scripted flirting thing again. I asked him over messages if he was flirting, and he said yes. I asked him out and he said yes. However, something happened with his company the week before our date, and he had to move away.

I ran into him by chance the other day after not seeing him for three months. He hadn’t responded to the two messages I sent in that time. He was staring at me with an open mouth all day. He tried to talk to me several times, but got super nervous. He started watching all of my Facebook stories, and very quietly and shyly telling me that I looked beautiful again. All of our friends noticed and encouraged me to be direct and break the ice with him. I was hesitant; that has not worked well for me in the past with this man, ironically.

Anyways, I sent him a message and said that I had a noticed how he was acting, and wasn’t sure if he lived in town still, but that I was still interested in him, casually/sexually. I also told him no pressure, but that I was just trying to be upfront. He responded and said that he was incredibly flattered, but just not interested in me that way. I told him I hadn’t noticed his actions, and that many other people had pointed them out to me as well, and that they seemed to signify interest. He did not respond to this at all, and just said he hopes that we could still be friends, and that he wasn’t uncomfortable by the situation.

I know there is a stereotype that people with autism are… It’s offensive, but naïve or good. I have many autistic family members, some of whom are frankly just not great people. I have full first-hand awareness that that is not the case. Lack of understanding of social cues does not mean necessarily a lack of understanding of social games, how to manipulate, and anyone can read those stupid pick up artist forums. But if he’s manipulating me, why wouldn’t he want to have sex with me?

What is going on here? If he were NT, I would assume he is a player and just block him, to be honest. Since he has autism, I’m wondering if I should give him the benefit of the doubt and explain that when he hits on me, flirts with me, and is nervous around me, and then tells me he is not attracted to me, it makes me feel used and confused. And that I would rather not continue our relationship as a result.

Last edited by 3ltd on 12 Jan 2024, 10:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

Usually, if the person was anything like me, I would take some convincing that I was datable. Sometimes not, but usually this would be the case.

Maybe he's asexual, or gay, or not interested in sex even if he thinks you're an interesting person.

"He responded and said that he was incredibly flattered, but just not interested in me that way."

Believe him.

If he tells you he's not flirting - he's not. You might interpret his actions another way, but that doesn't make it flirting. If he Tells you he's not interested, - he's not. Block him or don't block him...if you stop initiating contact you won't have a problem either way...He's not interested - he said so.

Your having a crush could easily be letting you see things he's not feeling, but it sounds like you are. Move on.

Bingo.

Autism or not, this person is still a human being and therefore is capable of being a jerk. When I read this, he sounds like he's been manipulating you because he enjoys the thought of being liked and being chased.

I had a crush on someone on the autism spectrum who also turned out to be a covert narcissist. He did the same thing thing with me where he made it sound like he liked me at times. Then at other times, he would gaslight me by acting like he was disgusted with me. Then behind my back made fun of me for chasing him and told other people that he didn't like me.

He might just feel more comfortable with you than with other women, and genuinely not realize how flirtatious his behavior seems. (I was responsible for a couple of misunderstandings like this in the past.) Or maybe that's not the case. People are confusing.

People who know us both have said he acts interested. He is constantly staring at my breasts (he does not do this to other women). One of the reasons his ex gf broke up with him bc she thought he was in love with me. His own friends have told me he’s interested.

He’s lied before so I know he’s capable of it (ie that he doesn’t use Facebook when he’s online every day, that he’s never used a certain app even though it’s on his phone… once he was waiting for me by my car and he said it was because he was actually waiting for a windshield repair, then drove away right after I left. I could see him in my mirror.).

Tbh this is my concern as well- he likes the attention and acts this way to get more of it.

Very sorry to hear about your narc experience. Have had relationships with two and they really are hard on your psyche. Hugs x

According to you, he lies, he leads you on, he says he is not interested in a relationship with you.

Perhaps you ought not ask what’s his issue and instead ask yourself why do you want this fellow?

I tell you what...leave him COMPLETELY alone for 2 weeks, stop stalking him on facebook, etc. I'd be willing to bet money you don't hear anything from him. LOL

It is possible that this person simply fantasizes about you but does not want a real relationship.

It is also possible that the person is simply pretending to be interested, for whatever reason.

Or as others have suggested, they may be interested in you as a person, but are not heterosexual or interested in sex with you.

I don’t get what is funny

Perhaps is not funny. I just think this problem will go away once you stop looking for it. You can't notice someone staring without staring back at them. You can't notice his online activities, unless you check for them. You Can't make someone nervous and flustered, if you aren't engaging with them in the first place. Since you describe this relationship as a crush on your part, it likely means a lot more to you than it does him - thats what crushes are...mostly one-sided.

That and people flirt and find others attractive - it doesn't have to mean they are interested in a deeper relationship. I'm curious too that you think he would lie about not wanting a relationship because he lies about being on facebook. It sounds like you might be looking for justification wherever you can find it - which is also a big sign of a crush. I could be wrong, but I don't really think so.

Maybe leave him alone for two weeks or more, after that he will probably miss you & want to date you maybe. Maybe he just jerk. Or find another man who won’t play around.