Checking In

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I don't exactly remember how it started, but I used to send my boyfriend a good morning voice message every day. He said he liked them because they motivated him to get up so he could listen. Anyway, I visited him recently for a whole month (we're long distance) and while I was there he was getting frequent texts and he complained to me that they're from an ex who recently got out of a ten year long abusive relationship and still has the compulsion to "check in" with someone because her ex required it. So she'll text him to tell him she's vacuuming or going to the grocery store or any other thing she's decided to do that day.

He has assured me that even though she tried to get back together with him, he wasn't interested and told her no. So I'm not worried about that. I am, however, suddenly self-conscious because the messages I'd been sending him every day were basically recaps of my day. Like I was checking in. My ex-girlfriend was super jealous and required me to check in (and then punished me for doing anything with anybody else, even family), so I guess I'm just worried that I'm doing the same sort of thing to him.

Is telling somebody about your day the same as checking in? Or is it normal to simply talk about your day and I'm overthinking it? I haven't sent more than a few messages since I got back, when I could think of stuff to say that wasn't about my day, and he's complained about the lack of them.

I think that you're overthinking it but I understand why you're doing so.

It'd be another matter if you were spamming your boyfriend with constant mundane updates like his ex is doing. However, it does not sound like you are doing that at all.

He'd rather hear about your day than his ex's day. Complaining about the lack of the usual amount of messages seems to confirm that he doesn’t find your updates annoying or too much.

Did she try to get back with him while you and him were together? If so, then I would be concerned regardless of what my partner said. The boundary I would be comfortable with would be less than daily communication. Also, did you only find out about them communicating daily when you were there?

Regarding the daily recap with your boyfriend, that alone doesn't seem bad, but it can be a red flag. It can be a sweet gesture to contact your partner and tell them about your day on a daily basis to feel connected and maintain the relationship, but it can also be them controlling you. I also find it interesting that he has similar communication with a prior partner who was in an abusive relationship that required the daily recaps. It might hint at relationship patterns with all of those involved. I think more context would be needed to lean one way or the other, but I don't think you're crazy for being concerned. I think it's definitely something to think about/not ignore.

Thank you!


She tried to get back together with him while we were not together, he told me that as a "full transparency" thing when he asked for us to get back together, but I didn't find out that she was messaging him all the time until I was there in person. He made it sound like it was less frequent, but it's possible that it swings up and down depending on how she feels. It doesn't bother me that she does it, because I understand compulsion and that she was abused. He's told me that he's asked her to stop, but I don't remember if it was the incessant checking in that he asked to stop or just her coming onto him hard like she did when she first reached out on Facebook when we weren't dating. I can understand him being concerned for her safety as a reason not to block her. She has a small child and an abusive ex. I'm concerned for her too.

I don't think there's any real pattern between me and his ex, other than that we both "check in" on a regular basis in different ways. But I only know her circumstances, not anything about her.

It depends on what you feel inside about it. If you feel you are obligated to check in out of guilt, fear, or any other emotion then it could easily be or evolve into a problem. If you feel that want to share your day and feel appreciated for doing so then it is both normal and good.

I used to do it every day because he said it helped motivate him to wake up. He has depression and waking up is really hard for him sometimes. So I would send him the messages to help have something to look forward to in the morning, because he said he likes the sound of my voice. I mostly shared my day because it was the obvious thing to talk about every day, but now I'm self-conscious about it because it feels like I'm checking in just like his ex - which he complained about, and I don't want to do that. I do feel guilty that I haven't been sending him the messages, and thus not helping him in the mornings, which really just makes the whole thing more conflicting.

I heard that doing things for others out of fear, obligation, or guilt is unhealthy.

She is still so into him; that's for sure.

And he didn't make it clear nor made much effort to stop it, he is either:
1- Enjoying this attention.
2- Keeping her as a Plan B.
3- He is planning to go poly.
4- The worst: Cheating.

Are you strictly monogamous btw?

I would tell your boyfriend that messaging an ex is unacceptable, Rhapsody, particularly if you feel any reservations about that, but even if you don't, it just seems like a bad idea for him to continue doing that. Both of them should have moved on by now.

It sounds like what started out as something based in love has transitioned into something based in obligation and expectation. I used to be with someone who I started getting up first and making coffee for in the morning. I did it because I saw it made her happy first thing in the morning and her appreciation made me happy too. Eventually though, as time went on, I slowly realized that what had started out a place of love had slowly become something she seemed to expect as something I was obligated to do every day. I eventually no longer felt like an equal sharing love with her, especially when she decided it was okay to go from appreciative to demanding and treating me like I was her servant or her parent.

Talk to him, explain the feelings inside as much as you can and how they have evolved over time. Remind him that you are his partner and his equal, not his mommy or his servant.

I know she is. He's a safe, known choice and she has a small child. But why should it bother me if he hasn't reciprocated it?

If he wanted to get back together with her then he had the opportunity to while we were separated. I gave him no indications during that time that I would ever want to talk with him again, because I was mad he dumped me. If he still liked her then that would have been the perfect time. If he actually wanted to be with her, then why wouldn't he?

I am not strictly monogamous, exactly. I tried poly for a bit with my girlfriend, but obviously nothing about that ended well so I'm not really keen to try it again.


I agree that it isn't good for her to continue using him as a crutch, but I can't tell him not to talk to her. He's an adult, and I don't want to be controlling like my own ex.


That's a really good point. Thank you for the advice! It's rather insidious how nice things you do for someone can become habits and then taken for granted.

Hmm, I suppose reading your post about polygamy you might be a bit more liberal than I might have anticipated in this regard (I mean, that might extend your tolerance of your boyfriend talking to an ex if you are like that perhaps)?

Well, do what works for you and good luck with it all.