A part of me wants marriage, child etc, a part of me doesn't

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I don't understand why I feel the need to marry someone (despite not currently being with anyone) and have a child just for the sake of doing it because other people are doing it and not really feeling like wanting it while another part of my brain doesn't want it.

I'm worried if that happened because I did it because I "had" to, to keep up with the Joneses, I'll end up being a terrible partner/husband and father and no happier than when I was single.

Societal pressure and pressure to play "follow the leader" are why you feel this way @chris1989!! !

I am ambivalant about marriage and motherhood too despite being engaged so I know first-hand how hard it is to make a choice!

If it's that much of a concern. It's best not to break down and do what everyone else is doing because you could feel resentful at some point.

Certain things by a certain age like not experiencing sex and relationships before 30 for example?

It really does my head in and I seem to think it makes people feel worse and more ashamed and regretful because they didn't do these at an earlier stage than at a later stage. I feel like some people boasting they had done these things and lecturing others that haven't just makes their lack of self esteem and self confidence worse. I don't understand why we use these things as though they are things to tick off on a checklist of life stages and that we are "nothing" if we haven't.

^the solution is to de-emphasize marriage and children which is already kinda happening!! !

People need to realize that there is MORE TO LIFE THAN GETTING MARRIED AND STARTING A FAMILY!

Let's say you did get to experience all of that at a younger age. Then what? Do you think you would feel accomplished in some way? If people boast about having that, then they must feel that's the greatest achievement they've ever made. There's more to life than that.

Think of people who have had relationships and sex but still have self esteem issues. Put being in abusive relationships over their own self worth. Their SO could cheat and do other things but "at least they're not single". Would it be worth it? And you don't know what happens behind the closed doors of the people that boast, they could be using that to cover up for other things they lack in.

My point exactly!! !

People need to stop putting marriage and motherhood on such a high pedestal because SO many things can go wrong!

It's dangerous to put all your eggs in the "getting married & starting a family" basket!

And I say all of that as a 33 year old virgin who's never been a relationship. None of that would be worth it to me. I want those things too (minus the kids), but I want it with someone I love and that loves me. And I'll gladly stay in my position til it happens. If there's no genuine goal, it really wouldn't be worth it.

Marriage and children can be quite great but also are tons of work to make it work and to be happy. Many people get married without really understanding who they are, who they are marrying, or why. For a marriage to really work both people involved must learn to adapt mentally and emotionally to balance the needs, desires, hopes, and dreams of each other. Many people have huge problems with this, especially men I have noticed.

Having children is an even bigger responsibility in many ways, and can be overwhelming for parents at times. As a parent you are tasked with raising, teaching, protecting, and most importantly loving the child. It isn't easy raising children, and it costs lots of money to do it right. The big question you should ask yourself before thinking about having a child is "do I like children?" Many people don't, and that's okay. It is best to know this before you have a child, not after when it is too late.

I say forget social expectations and pressure as they aren't involved in living my life. With divorce rates where they are and with how messed up so many children are today because of horrible parenting I think society doesn't have a clue about most things. If you find someone who makes you feel amazing, marrying them makes sense.

^also in order for a marriage and parenting to succeed you MUST learn how to multitask and effectively manage resources!! !

This is part of why I am ambivalant about all of this...

This. Wonderful relationships do exist, I'm pretty sure, but they are not common.

I knew at a very young age that my highest priority was having children. Always also said that a partner or a marriage was optional.

I see raising children as another lifelong contract much like marriage but at least marriage can be reversed!! !

So in reality...while marriage and children can be put together, it makes the most sense to see them as 2 separate lifelong contracts!

In order to truly understand what is driving your desire @chris1989 we MUST start treating marriage and children as independant entities!

No, sadly they are not that common anymore as many are too distracted by digital life and facebook friends to put in the work at home with their partner. Too often people get married for the wrong reasons and way too fast, never actually bothering getting to know the person they were marrying until after the ceremony if at all. I have also known people who were happily married for decades. The common theme with them was the respect and love each have for the other, it is beautiful to see.

Having children without a partner is definitely doable, and totally understandable. If I were born a woman I would be exactly the same I suspect. Are you looking to create your own child or are you thinking about something like adoption? Both are quite doable, both with their risks and rewards. I like children way more than adults in many ways, adults are too angry, stressed, and sad all the time these days.

Peer pressure might explain it. Like you feel all your peers are doing it so you should to. But starting a whole family is a big thing like if you aren't up for it you shouldn't do it.

I am in a long term relationship, and neither me or my boyfriend want children also I am not willing to go through pregnancy and childbirth anyways. We will probably get a couple cats and maybe a pug dog at some point so yeah we're never going to have a kid.

My sister and her husband are having a baby, and we have already told them we will be a cool aunt and uncle but we will not be providing a cousin for their baby. So it is perfectly ok not to have kids and start a family if you don't want to. Also, I think it's bad for kids if parents just have kids because they think they should, because then sometimes those kids get neglected because their parents never really wanted to be parents.

So I guess it's really something you have to decide for yourself if that's really what you want, or you just feel like you should because other people your age are doing it. But just remember its perfectly ok if you don't want kids, not everyone does and there is nothing wrong with that. Also, there are lots of women who don't want kids, so not like your dating prospects are over if you don't want to start a family. In fact, if you are open about not wanting to have kids that would interest childfree women who don't want kids. So you could still find someone compatible for love and even get married if the two of you want, but you don't have to have kids.

If you separate the desires of marriage and children the choice should become easier @chris1989...

But I feel that actual BIGGEST issue with marriage and motherhood and what makes them so hard to walk away from is the emotional investment into the partnership! !!

Yep...looks like the sunk-cost fallacy rears its ugly head yet again?

The sunk-cost fallacy has everything to do with this though!