Frustrated male NT in love with AS male

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This has definitely been the toughest experience in my life: being a male NT, in love with a gay (but not out) AS male. The tough part is, I think he loves me, too (definitely as a friend, but I think more). Although we see each other and go out regularly, take trips together, laugh together, share many common interests, etc., that's the farthest we get. We give each other a goodbye-hug almost everytime we're together. It means so much to me, and I feel it does to him, too. He seems to need it as much as I do.

Of course, we can't talk about it. Whenever I bring any personal subjects up with him, he shuts down. I respect his privacy and don't try to pry anymore -- I just try to let him know that I am here for him. I care more about him than anyone else in my life. I even had a dream last night that we were holding each other. Just the dream of that act was amazing.

The problem is: I don't know if I can take this anymore. I can't imagine my life without him, but I also don't know if I can handle the on-the-surface friendship (which has been going on for more than 5 years) without getting more personal with each other, either. I'm in love, I know, but I don't know what he wants.

Any advice?

That's an interesting twist on what usually is discussed here.

You say you stop trying to pry...have you been solely asking him about his feelings? Have you tried telling him about your feelings without bringing his feelings into it?

Hmmm ... good question. He knows how I feel about him, but I don't know if I've ever just brought up "my feelings." I guess I'm a little scared to do that, afraid that I will totally be shut down.

Asking an aspie about their feelings is usually a real quick way to get them to shut down, yeah. Does he really know how you feel? Have you shared this with him clearly? I understand your own fears, but I find the very best way to get an answer from an AS man is to say, "This is how I feel about you, do you feel the same way about me?" as opposed to "How do you feel about me/us?" which is more ambiguous and more difficult to answer. Ask the question you want the answer to. I've had the most success with that approach.

Loving someone with AS can be difficult even for a partner with AS. For an NT, it's even more complicated at times. It sounds like you care for him very much though, so it's worth the effort.

Yes.

I also don't think that if you were to express how you felt to him that he would suddenly stop wanting to be around you and never want to talk to you again. He may flat-out tell you he doesn't want to be more than friends, but at least then you would know.

It doesn't matter who you are, or how your brain is wired, uncertainty is maddening.

Personally, I wouldn't want to take the risk of ruining a beautiful friendship just because you happen to be in love - remember, you don't know for sure whether he *truly* loves you back. Maybe he's just being very exhuberant in his friendly feelings towards you, but nothing more. When I was young and foolish , I once told a girl who *merely* liked me, that I loved her. After that, it got really ugly. I haven't seen nor heard from her since.

So, I'd be very cautious, my friend. But if you really can't take it anymore, then the situation changes. Then the advantages of telling him your feelings outweigh the possible disadvantages.

Once, I asked him about the dating possibility, and he said "no." But, he said no because he's had a bad experience dating someone who was a friend before. I can understand that, but it doesn't keep me from thinking about him all of the time.

Realistically, I should just be happy with our friendship. But, the chemistry is overpowering when we're together, and I think he feels it, too. But, he's not the type to make the first move. However, he is the type to walk away from uncomfortable conversations (he's the only person I know that hates conflict more than I do!).

I had to read this thread just to make sure it wasn't referring to me.

Well...uh...then try to tell him how you feel, and if you notice that he starts to pull back, back off of it a bit? I really don't know. I'm not going to pretend that I have any real good ideas for you.

Have you tried typing out a letter and giving it to him?

I find that I can get my thoughts out on paper much better in situations like this, than I can speaking with a person face-to-face.
Be specific and avoid too much flashy talk if you think the meaning may be misconstrued.

A letter allows this person to have time in their own space to take your feelings about him and mull them over.
Then, if he wishes, he can contact you back.
This sets up a buffer between one possibly exuberant, emotionally charged individual, and one whose feelings are not completely known or understood.

This may also help keep a friendship intact much better than doing all this in person with both parties feeling uncomfortable and forced to 'face-the-issue' right then and there.

Wow...I feel dumb. This was staring me (and anyone else on this site. XD) in the face and I completely missed it.

Everyone here is using text. There's less noticeable difficulty and awkwardness for me in communicating here, and I'm willing to bet that the same would be true for at least some of the other posters.

For me, text is comfortable. There's the information that's important, the message, and none of that "extra" stuff, like eye contact, body language, all that subtle rubbish that people take for granted. Time can be taken to write it as close as possible to what you mean, whereas some people (...me for example) have more difficulty coming up with the words for such things on the fly in a conversation.

I find that the more emotional the topic, the likelier it is that I will start dropping some of my thoughts as I speak.

Once I realize I am not communicating well verbally, I get more anxious and things continue to get worse.
I can't slow down my mind, my mouth continues to wag on, and my whole body starts to get more involved that it was before.

Writing is such a nice way to communicate for me, but I still try real contact with people.
I like to think I don't mess things up every time I do.

Now that you mentioned the letter/writing idea, it made me realize -- he's not interested. Over the past couple of years, I have sent him an e-mail or two explaining my feelings towards him. He never responded (something he tends to do when I e-mail him a personal note). So, that really answers my question then -- he's not interested. It's ok, though.

I'm not trying to give you false hopes or anything...but it is possible that he was merely scared. That being said, you're going to be a better judge of the situation than any of us could be.

ohhhhh hahaha funny n***a

shadexiii, that's a possibility. He may be scared. Don't worry, it doesn't give me false hope. We give each other a "friend hug" before we part ways most of the time, and I remember one time I held on a second too long, and he freaked out. Of course, that doesn't mean he likes me more than a friend, and it definitely doesn't mean he does.

With him, I probably should just continue to be myself and not push the envelope. I just hope I don't regret that one day.