Aspie relationship problems?

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What kind of problems in a relationship are Aspies likely to have? What would one do about a partner who is scared by the concept of "lacking social empathy" and emotional distance?

I am in a long term relationship, and don't want to scare my partner away am I AM somehow diagnosed.

(If one is curious about the particulars of my diagnosis status, I posted in the Getting To Know Each Other forum and explained basically where I'm coming from. It's a little more complicated that simply being diagnosed or not being diagnosed)

I have HFA, and my boyfriend is all NT, we have lots of problems mainly misunderstandings or misinterpretations. I misinterpret his body language a lot, never get his sarcasm, or his jokes, and a lot of the times I take it too seriously. I also have problems with changes in my daily routine and with a boyfriend, a lot things are very unexpected. For example when he shows up out of nowhere with no phone call, to him, its a cute surprise, to me its a change in routine-meaning total chaos! I also talk to him about when he says hes going to call at this certian time, please do it, or show up at a certian time, like for instances, he comes from work to my house, and usually shows up around 6ish, depends on traffic, so I put it down in my mind he will be here somewhere between 6 and 630, so I don't loose it haha.

Luckily I've got him to join this site, and learn as much as he can about me and my autism. Hes also very patient, which is a big deal, considering I can be a lot to handle. If you suspect you have autism, and your afraid to tell you partner, don't be. If your partner truely cares about you, he will understand and try to work with you. You have no idea how many tims I've tried to break up with my boyfriend, because hes been driving me nuts, with the unexpected changes, his jokes that I can't seem to get, and the fact that hes more of a laid back person, whereas I'm the total opposite. I also have problems with hitting, and not giving enough affection, so we both decided to work on our problems, to keep this relationship going.

My son and I have some minor problems-but we both CARE about the truth of the issues so they always work out with some talkings on what I meant what he meant ect. Usually, one person is frustrated over something and the other person ignores the context or is completely oblivious-as THERE ARE so many things that happen in the course of a minute, a day, a lifetime.

Take for instance driving. He was on the verge of his HUGE transformation to ownership, self sufficientcy(sp sorry), freedom.... And I was late for work. The scenario: So maybe he thought he would be driving, and I thought I was late for work. We go to the car and I get in the drivers seat. I wasn't thinking that he was hoping to drive, it never occurred to me. I am/was obviously late for work. But his ATTITUDE/DEMEANOR, upon conversational driving becomes something of a short answer, monotone, non smiling, pissy thing. And I'm oblivious to the cause........until with great thought and ponderance to GREATER LIFE CONTEXTS, I realize: That he HAS BEEN driving most mornings for the last months and is SUPPOSED to be training to drive, and COULD HAVE his liscense if he passes the test, AND WAS THINKING ALL OF THAT JUST BEFORE I thoughtlessly past him and took his seat.

MEANWHILE:
I was thinking: "I am obviously late for work, I am the better driver, it is obvious that due to time constrants and MY STRESS LEVEL right then/now---it is understood that I should drive today"

Then of course my feelings were hurt that he was not being my 'loving' child and what's wrong with him anyway.

Those types of things.

The only difference is: I think aspergers can point them out better.

My belief is that an NT 'can not' easily see past their own percieved emotional affront to think through to the identification of the specific cause or issue that caused any relevant 2 party situation involving themselves and an Aspie; as well as that the Aspie ends up on the hurting, misunderstood, and mislabeled end.

I believe this type of miscommunication situation is exuberated/exasperated by the fact that most people nowadays are tied up in 'keeping up with society and social rules expectations'--so the NT may logically, probably, percievably do not appear to have the cogniative time to THINK THE THOUGHT "I should think (or better, inquire/ask) about the cause of this....SITUATION".

I do not believe, or rather, I believe that in addition to the palundrum of having an issue present and being too attention deficit to think the thought that they should think the thought to ask about the other person's point of view, that there is the added situational salt in the wound of the NT's general PERCEPTION of 1. themselves and 2. their Aspie.

Let me explain. If a person *does not believe you are whole to begin with* than they may not *accept an aspie truth as a relevant answer* to the question of WHY. And, If a person believes that they are *more whole to begin with* than they will possibly maybe might only accept their OWN perception of things and life as we know it-except with great will and trust and intent to know.
Which TOTALLY wastes Aspie time to begin with, and YES we do notice.


Nice question. There is my take.

As an aspie married to an aspie I can tell you that I rarely need or seek much affection, which for the most part is awesome. Thing is, once in a while I do seek it, need it, crave it. And sometimes he is available, and sometimes not. The sometimes not hurts, because I know I require so little and I'm used to being smothered in previous relationships. It's an adjustment. For me, it's 95/5 positive. I think most NT women would have long since felt quite neglected. As for me, my previous long-term relationship was with an NT. I finally left because I felt smothered. The less I responded, the more he needed control. It's difficult. It isn't impossible though.

In my past few relationships (just three XD), I've learned that I don't deal well with guys who are too sarcastic. I'm rarely sure whether their serious, and even when they say they were just being sarcastic or "just kidding," it still bugs me afterwards. I also don't mix well with guys who are emotionally distant or don't like snuggling and all that romantic stuff. When it comes to how a relationship is going, I can be a bit insecure, so a reassuring, sensitive guy would be my best match.

And would it be too much to ask for to want a guy who DOESN'T cheat, plznthnx? DX I just hope my next guy will be willing to join this site to learn more, or is already familiar with AS *sigh*

i really havent had a long term relationship, but i can imagine i'd have probelms with communication and being affectionate

I must say, I can definitely relate on those points. Not that I'm not sarcastic myself sometimes, but I very often can't tell if other people are, unless what they're saying is blatantly ridiculous. I've been told the reverse is true too.

I also like reassurance. Luckily I have found someone that is good with that. But the main problem is my partner is a hardcore romantic, and I sometimes miss hints that are supposed to mean that we should be having a romantic moment, which is really awkward and frustrating. But the cuddling is a constant thing, and that's the way I like it. I don't like being cuddled by other people though, it weirds me out.

MY AS comes across most strongly in social anxiety - I give the impression of being neurotic/highly strung. Alternatively I drink very very heavily in an attempt to calm myself down. One or the other gets me dumped.

A little cheating can strengthen a relationship.

I doubt that I'd ever want to go through all that
drama again, but strength come through tempering.

I also come across as being neurotic, and anxious. Socializing stresses me out, and is exhausting for me. I actually enjoy social situations when I am intoxicated too, but I've been trying to minimize that, because I have alcoholism in my family, and that's the last thing I need.

From what I know, the biggest problem an aspie will have is with communication. Much communication is involved with a relationship, and especially marriage (more so with NTs than with aspies). And that is exactly what most aspies lack. Aspies will very likely misunderstand his/her NT partner, and the same goes the other way. An aspie has a significantly better chance with another aspie I think, and the same goes for NTs.

I dunno...each relationship is different. It works out differently for every relationship.

That's about as much as I know seeing as I've never been in one myself.

For me, it definitely has to be picking up on a girl's "subtle hints." I never know if they want something. Girls don't seem to like saying anything...they just either expect you to know, or use random subtle hints that mean nothing to me.

Describes ME to a tee.

Always been feminine in a lot of ways though.

Yea, communication is an issue I have. When I assume the other person automatically knows my thoughts, I am generally wrong. And when I get asked to elaborate on my thoughts, it sometimes feels like I'm going to wet myself or something It's a very weird feeling.

Me too. And then there are weird NT expectations, like when one gets all dramatic on you, and starts yelling, but you keep your head and try to talk to them rationally, only to find that they take your calm rationality as a sign that you don't care.

Aspie-aspie relationships are simpler. Then you only have to worry about who is going to ignore their obsessions long enough to buy the groceries or take out the garbage.

I'm in a long term relationship and I've been fine I told my boyfriend about my aspergers disorder since I've just been diagnosed with it. I have bad anxiety as well.
Maybe you should tell your partner there is nothing to be scared about.