Aspie Marriage

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I always had trouble with relationships. Men consistently told me I was "unreachable" emotionally, unaffectionate or closed-off. I thought they were all just really needy guys. I longed for a normal one.

Then I met my now-husband. He was normal, to me. And as it turns out we're both Aspies. I never understood why such a highly logical and intelligent man would become completely lost in an argument (stress causes already poor communication strategies to deteriorate further) with me, or why he would be moved to anger so easily. Frustration. Most of these things I can deal with.

We share many similarities (sensory overload, social anxiety) but we also have our strengths and weaknesses. Where my AS means sensory problems, food pickiness, days where I need to vanish from the world and unplug...my husband's AS can be crippling at times. He lives a normal life, has a great job, is very successful at what he does and highly respected. But he misses the social nuances and cues totally most of the time - even stuff I get - and it leads to some issues, though mostly between us. If he doesn't get it on his own, no amount of me explaining it is going to get through...because let's face it, social interactions and all the little unspoken rules don't frequently make logical sense. He processes logic easily, it's the abstract hidden stuff that poses issue.

The other is lack of emotional reciprocity. I've gone from being accused of being distant...to being accused of being needy in this relationship lol He admits I am far less needy than most, but sometimes he feels he gives all he can. Without the eye contact, a touch of the hand, those little things...I can occasionally feel very alone. I'm used to pushing people away, not longing for them to be near me. I suppose the very fact that he isn't smothering makes him so dear to me. And he is. I treasure so much about him, and I wouldn't trade him for anyone or anything in this world. If there is such a thing as a soul mate, he's mine.

Having children has made it more difficult. Stress brings AS symptoms out much more, and kids (even great ones like we're blessed to have) mean stress, as well as fatigue. We thus have even less for each other because we focus our energies more on our children. We have to.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone has suggestions. I suppose AS men with NT wives struggle with the reciprocity issue. I'm not NT. Sometimes I think our marriage issues are probably very similar to two NT spouses, except for we really suck at communication. We've actually had long, nasty arguments where we were both arguing the VERY SAME POINT, and neither of us knew it.

I tell him sometimes I feel like I am loving him through a forcefield. He's there, and I see him, but nothing is really crossing that forcefield...it's all just buncing off. He says he feels things deeply, very deeply, but he does not express them.

I've rambled long enough. Anyone who wants to add anything, feel free.

I am not married, and not that great at relationships, but... do you have a therapist that knows about your AS? Maybe they have suggestions.

hey

A marriage will be difficult, no matter if it's NT/NT, NT/AS, or AS/AS. If you're in strife, marriage counselling isn't a bad idea. You may need to shop around for one that understands ASDs though, I doubt it's common.

That said, it sounds like you and your partner are fairly well-suited for each other in many ways. Don't ever let other stuff get in the way of that.

You also have the advantage of knowing that he really means it if he says, "I love you"! Unlike NT/AS relationships, you also have a great understanding of why your partner is the way he is (with reciprocity, etc).

If stuff gets you down, stay clear, calm, cool, and collected, and remember why you're together.

Take care;

Hey siuan

You sound like a family that has many good things going for you, with a couple of practicalities that may be hampering things a bit. As you write, I can just feel the love you feel for your husband and I can also see how much he loves you. That is already so much to have in a marriage - love is the one ingredient which you can just never leave out. As for the rest, I really think learning how to communicate is an important skill to learn for us, and with communicate I more specifically mean confront, disagree and ask the other one what we really need. I have read a phenomenal book called "Difficult Conversations" which is writting in aspie-friendly language, meaning they actually give you tips on how to talk to people on a level where you have to explicitly say what you mean, there is no relying on facial expressins, body languages or other social queues. And what is amazing about this book is that it will explain to you why people get angry when you talk to them, even aspies, without you ever actually saying something that is suppose to make them angry.
(http://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Convers ... 014028852X)

I also think you should consider going to a therapist, not because there is something wrong but rather because there are so many right things, and you two deserve to have much happiness together. A third person can sometimes just help being a "translator" between two people, until they are able to talk each other's language, if that makes any sense.

Hope all goes well.

They majority of interpersonal problems are caused by ineffective communication. Add AS to the mix, and this can be augmented.

My advice (not from personal experience, as I am lacking) is to invalidate ambiguity. Spell out your needs and your problems, even if you feel that they ought to be understood intrinsically. While being over-expository can make you come off as an a**hole occasionally, it's better that two people staring at each other trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

Another issue is that you or your spouse may be unsure of your own needs. In this case, that means that there must exist an extreme tolerance to the other person not knowing which way is up. (P.S., this is from personal experience, although not romantic). Since your ability to affect your husband is much less than your ability to change your own mind, I suggest that you expand your theory of mind to be more inclusive.

Moral indignation is a last resort; invoke it very sparingly, i.e., when your amazing debate skills (you have those, right?) can just turn him to a babbling buffoon. Otherwise, if your husband is hyperlogical, as I suspect he is, he will be able to turn it against you and you'll both just be pissed. (I've had this done to me MANY a time; it's really embarrassing.)

P.S. Love the icon.

Looks like things are working out just fine to me. Sure, any relationship has bumpy bits but you seem to be managing things well and the fact that both of you are AS sufferers probably helps because you both know that emotions sometimes are not easy.

Ed Almos

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the replies!

LadyMahler: Thank you! I'll look into that book

dongiovanni: I enjoyed your response, and yes, you have some insight The icon...speaks to me. Figuratively, of course.

Hi Siuan

someone in another topic said she told her AS husband she expects at least 2 hugs and a kiss everyday. I thought that was a great idea (I forget to do that ).

I think it would be a good habit to get into. I have to make a conscious decision to give my kids hugs too.

I don't get why people say this. I have always been very affectionate although only with someone special. I must have escaped the touch aversion thing?

This December Elizabeth and I are marrying. We are the same age, and both have a diagnosis for Aspergers.

Aspie Empathy is a reality, and its brilliant. We are made for each other, and I heartily recommend that our kind sticks with our kind. We were very very lucky to find each other anyhow.

Same matching level of functionality, and our 'disfunctions' are actually cute. She stims like I used to, which is amazing to be around. I am the relatively feminine one.



Paul.

Ditto. I can feel very uncomfortable shaking hands with strangers, although I've trained myself to do so without (I think) letting it show (Wow, writing that just gave me an almost flashback to job interviews, just made me realise how much worse I was at dealing with my AS symptoms even five years ago. Wow.). But once I'm comfortable with people, it can go the other way. I've certainly made physical contact with friends, mostly female (but my friends were mostly female) probably more than was appropriate for our relationship. I can get very "touchy-feely" once I'm comfortable with someone, and I think my need for physical contact can sometimes overwhelm my wife. And yet, I can still feel like things like fabric sensitivity occasionally, although not nearly as often as when I was a kid, now.

I recommend people treat themselves as individuals. Some with AS will find themselves only happy in relationships with others with AS, some will do well in a relationship with an understanding NT. I don't think such blanket statements are helpful. Says the guy very happily married to his NT wife.

I know that I post this link frequently http://www.marriagebuilders.com/, but this program worked so well for me, and my husband that I feel it's worth repeating. It's based on logic. You actually make lists of your emotional needs, how to meet them, and how often. Then you discuss it with your spouse. Both sides get to be heard, and discuss how to meet each other's needs in a way that's comfortable for both people. I literally needed to be told that my husband needs a hug when he gets home, and cuddles when we watch TV. I was not meeting his need for affection before, and when he'd complain that I didn't hug him I'd just roll my eyes. I felt like he was just picking at me. I don't get "hints" . I need to be told directly if someone wants me to do something. I don't know if I have AS, and my husband is NT, even though he has many AS traits. Our roles were, and still are in many ways, reversed in gender. I don't think that a traditional marriage counselor would've worked for us. They want to dig down about your issues to see what the root cause is. There is no reason that I dislike hugging other then I'm not a physically affectionate person (except with my kids). Counselors would've insisted it had to have something to do with my father not hugging me enough, or something. I know, because I've been to therapy.
Siuan, I don't know if any of this has helped. I know it can be tough, but from your post it sounds like you have a very loving family.

Can't really see being happy with this idea.
Seems too forced. Hell, I offered something
similar enough to my wife, and she scorned
it.