Need help on getting over crush.

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I've liked this guy at my office for awhile now - please no comments about how I shouldn't date people in my office. I can be kind of slow with figuring out if someone is interested in me or not, but the guy completely blew me off last weekend.

I've been kinda friends with him for about a year and last week he said something about how we should hang out sometime. I IMed him later and asked if he wanted to do something on the weekend. He said yeah, and I said I'd call him on Friday. So Friday I call the guy and he doesn't answer and never calls me back (yes, I left a msg.). Then on Monday he gives me the lamest excuse I've ever heard about how he saw the call but didn't know who it was and let it go to voice mail but then didn't check his messages all weekend and something about the phone getting lost in the couch

Like I said, I can be slow, but I'm not that slow. If he was interested, he would have called me back. The guy's ADD and in my opinion, possibly an Aspie, but come on...

So my question is, anyone got advice on how to stop liking this guy. I still see him at work almost everyday and would like to still be friends with him, I just don't want to be interested in him anymore. I tend to have a hard time with stuff like this. I know the reality of knowing for certain is one way to quash my feelings but that's not an option in this case. No way am I going up to him and saying "hey, I like you, what do you think about that?"

I really wish I could help you out with that. Crushes are always hard for me. I've actually learned to enjoy them if the person is at a distance, and nothing is likely to come of it. I am extremely shy when it comes to knowing how to ask a guy out. If what you described happened to me, I would be utterly crushed. (No pun intended. Maybe that's why they're called crushes ) Its hard, because he's at your place of employment, so you can't put him out of your mind. Are they any other guys you are interested, outside the workplace? I know its hard for us to socialized, but maybe a common interest group after work. Maybe if you got busy doing things with another person, it would serve to distract you?

Unfortunately I don't have much of a life outside of work right now. I've looked into trying to find some sort of social group that talks about my interests, but where do you find a group that's interested in Physics, Psychology or History outside of a college setting?

I actually really liked this guy too, we have a lot of the same interests and I find it pretty easy to talk to him. I've learned to do small bits of the small talk thing at work, but usually after 5 minutes I'm at a loss for what to say. He's also able to follow my all over the universe train of thought, which is pretty rare.

I feel really angry at myself that I'm in this situation. I wish there was just a switch in the back of my head I could flip to turn it off.

Last edited by Spot17 on 05 Oct 2007, 1:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

If he hasn't made any effort to see if you still want to do something later in the week (like this weekend), then you have a better indication of his feelings toward you. I've had the same sort of thing happen involving my phone, specifically the losing it or unintentionally ignoring it bit. I've gone several days without thinking to check voice messages, and when I do I try to get caught up with the one or two people that may have called, or delete them if I already had talked with them. So...he may have been sincere and honest about it.

If he's just moved on like it isn't a big deal...then...that's that I guess. How to get past him or over him? Well, being in a work environment with him makes it more difficult. The only success I've had at getting over people has been to basically make them show me that they're not someone I should be interested in, acting in a way that makes it quite clear how little they actually think of me. That's taken some sort of disagreement or scene (something unplanned that just snaps me out of it)...and since you're going to have to still work with him, that's not really an option.

I don't know how easy it will be to stay friends with him and get over the crush at the same time. It may take being a bit distant from him for a while. If he notices the change, he may come around a bit, he may not.

I guess I really don't have any good advice for you, this isn't something I've had a lot of luck with in the past.

Actually, that is good advice. I'm starting to think that I need to avoid him for awhile until I can get over this. I'm swamped at work so I can just use that as an excuse.

And no, he hasn't said anything else about it. In fact, I tried to act normal on Wednesday (didn't see him on Tues) and I felt like I got a huge attitude from him in the morning. That really pissed me off. He's the one that blew me off and he's acting like I did something wrong. I couldn't even look at him I was so pissed for the rest of the day. So yesterday afternoon I said hi in the hall (I usually get over being angry fairly quickly and anyway, I'm not going to carry on acting like a child at work) and then he's all talkative, coming over to talk to me every 30 minutes. I'm determined not to over-analyze anything he does though (the guy's notoriously moody) because I tend to misread people's actions.

good luck, crushes are hard to get rid of, i'v had many crushes on beautiful ladies, 4 yrs and still have a crush on someone that i havent seen or talk to for 4 yrs... heart breaking indeed, i wish i could find a way to get rid of a crush but i dont think i'm ever gonna fall in love again anyways.

Eh...even avoiding him could cause trouble in an office environment. If you don't have to interact with him...then no problem. If you do, someone might make an issue out of it.

I also won't say that avoiding will have a guaranteed result, or even a likely one. It has helped me in some cases, others...it had almost no effect. I'd forget about the person for a time, but something minor would make me think about them again, and one thought was enough to bring back all the rest. Leaving me right back where I started, if not in a "worse" position.

This might sound bad, and it isn't intended that way, but the best thing would be for him to just act like a complete a**hole with no real justification for it. Even if it was just an isolated outburst. Just something to shake up the mostly positive (in the sense of him being a crush) view you have of him.

I very rarely have to talk to him about work. I would never avoid someone I needed to talk to in a work capacity. You're right, that would cause a problem. I guess my best bet is just to not initiate contact when I don't need to.

Not sure how I would get him to act like a complete a**hole. Blowing me off last weekend was pretty bad, and I can't think of what could make him act worse than that.

I am sorry this happened to you. You will meet someone someday who will be perfect for you.

Tim

Thanks Tim. Sorry I haven't PMed you in a while. I've been swamped with work and really distracted by this stupid guy. Plus I'm horrible about writing people back...

Sorry to hear this.
One day, the correct person will come to you.
Don't go to them. Let them come to you.

Don't worry about it.

Tim

To be honest, I used to view this as complete nonsense. "Wait, I should just sit here until someone great comes along?"

Well...maybe not taking it that far, but looking too hard can often make it difficult to see things clearly. You may miss some flaw in the person that could make or break a relationship. You could miss something right in front of you.

I hated being on the receiving-end of this advice....but it finally worked for me, and it worked quite well.

I've found I get over crushes the quikest if I find another crush. I usually have a couple at any given time. It's kind of fun.

My crushes usually just sneak up on me (mentally) over time until I all of the sudden realize I like someone, so I think finding someone else to like isn't an option. And after thinking about it, I'd rather not just stop talking to him. I get along with him pretty well and I don't usually come across many people I click with.

To be honest, I feel a lot better about things today. I'm just going to act as I normally do, but not make an extra effort to talk to him.

Okay here's what has worked for me in the past...sit down and make a mental list of everything that irritates you about him, or that would definitely make you crazy in the long-term and why.

Start with Friday night.

Now review that list every time you find yourself dwelling on him....add to the list if the opportunity presents itself (it generally does). Attraction is chemical...but logic and reason can sway that...sometimes it just takes some convincing.