One way affection

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I know what you're thinking: "This is another post about crushes and how they are painful." Well, I suppose it is, but this is from the other perspective.

I wondered if aspies would understand this better than NTs, so this was also posted in my LiveJournal. I think I just needed to vent a little, get it out of my way, own some opinions. So here it goes:

In theory, never wanting to fall in love or have have someone fall in love with you is easy. And the never falling is love part is easy, in fact. But someone is always going to love you, aren't they? And there's nothing you can do about it. And it's not the falling back in love with that person that's hard, because that's fairly easily preventable. But that person is always going to have affection for you, because first impression is always the best.

What's hard is accepting that another person has feelings for you, because then you have to live with that fact forever. You can never really be alone.

And really that's all I ever wanted.

I totally agree. Half the forum will probably hate me for saying this, but ever since I was 13, I've had more people chasing me for potential romance than I could ever need, want, or tolerate. Most of them I had absolutely no interest in even becoming platonic friends with.

It sucks having to tell people no. It sucks even worse when you don't know how, so you end up half-playing-along to their desires while secretly searching every opportunity for escape. The poor guy trails after you, confused and hurt, getting his hopes up and then getting them dashed again. Luckily, even people who have feelings for you give them up if you wait long enough.

It's been a long time since I've had trouble finding intense connection with people - when I wanted it. Problem is, I've already got more than I can handle.

This is why I'm through with romantic commitment for a rather long time.

Yeah. I don't want affection from alot of guys, and I must seem like a total jerk trying to get rid of them.

I also don't really cope with it well. Unwanted affection has always been a problem with me.

I agree with Pyraxis. I have always had people that get almost addicted to me and I hate knowing I hurt them. When I was younger hurting people did not really matter but I finally got hurt so now I am a little more aware of this fact. The really bad thing is I am back in that situation with a guy at work and when he gets back in town Friday I am going to have to make sure he understands that I am not interested in a relationship with him and that I am truly in love with my husband

It might help to consider that if someone keeps pursuing a relationship with you even though you have absolutely no interest in them, you're probably dealing with a person who really, deep down, doesn't want a relationship and can't admit that to themselves. It makes them feel better to be pursuing a relationship, but they have to find someone to chase who isn't going to reciprocate, or they have problems to deal with that THEY can't handle.

True, though some of situations I was thinking of were with awkward middle/high school students. Being a clueless teenager isn't necessarily a sign of deep-seated psychological problems.

Also, I do this, too. The only people I have truly been romantically interested in were A.) Too old for me and lived too far away B.) Lived in Japan and only had a 25% chance of having a relationship anyway or C.) Were in a relationship already...and were too old for me.

Hmmmm. Most of the guys who have been like that to me are ex-s of some variety who can't accept that it is over, I am no longer their property or domain.

The way I look at it is that some men are like dogs: they feel that every tree they mark is *theirs* and how dare anyone else ever mark it again?

The only guy who was like that who was not an ex was an "almost"...I think his pride can't handle the fact that ultimately, I didn't want him in that way.

Maybe this all sounds snobby. I don't mean it to. But honestly, I don't think that most of them really loved me. It was more a matter of me being "theirs". I don't mind if there is someone out there who loves me and I don't want them. We can be friends and I appreciate that they care about me and will repsect that.

That's interesting. A situation like that occurred with me about two years ago, and I guess you could say I was passing judgment on someone. Then, our relationship got stronger and stronger, and we began to like each other more.

I have the same problem, but the opposite way. I love/like/care about people and they don't/can't return my feelings

Yes we hate you praxis

Kidding

I get that - most of my friends are blokes (i'm female) - my housemate says its cos girls are more subtle and i dont do subtle.
But have trouble cos it almost always eventually seems to turn out that they like me "like that" not just as friends and I just wanna be friends (went on an accidental date once while trying just 2 make friends i didnt realise it was a date till the end of the evening - that was interesting!)

Actually half my male friends are also exes!

really wanna stop this happening with 2 new friends I've got to know (tho my housemate says one sounds really gay) - any ideas?

I had the same thing happen once. I thought I was watching a meteor shower with three people from class. They all thought we were on a double date. The one guy kept edging closer to me and trying to take my hand - I kept inching the other direction and getting more and more nervous. As he dropped me off at home afterwards, I completely blanked and couldn't think of anything to say except "Thanks for the ride."

After that little fiasco I don't think I spoke to any of them again.

It's real interesting to hear from some of the people who have the reverse problem of many of us (too many people wanting to go out with them or whatever). That you guys are able to actually feel sympathy and intellectualize the situation and discuss it, rather than this apathetic queen-of-the-world style thing which seems to be the attitude of many girls I've known.

I guess maybe most ppl wouldn't discuss it with the bloke concerned (tho i usually end up doing that cos its easier to be open with things)

Is this a girl thing maybe - like girls r more likely to have problems with ppl being interested and blokes are more likely to have problems with ppl not being interested?? just an idea maybe