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NeantHumain
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24 Nov 2007, 8:25 pm

It seems that, as a rule, women are very wary of any man they meet who they don't already know. If your social sphere lacks women, you are left with approaching women you don't know cold if you are to build any kind of relationship with any woman. However, this leads to the usual encounters with the female guardedness. Apparently men who are physically attractive and charming can disarm this wariness. Of course, most of us aren't that, so we're in a double bind.

When I was in college, I approached numerous women and even got some of them to give me their phone numbers (which is what I thought was considered to be the first step in getting a date). However, as many aspies here have probably experienced, they gave me a wrong number, "forgot" who I was when I did call, hastily declined any invitation if I did call, or behaved outright rudely if I did call. Now, this may lead the reader to conclude I was meeting only "b*tchy" women; in fact, I talked to a great variety of women of different intellectual inclinations, personalities, appearances, religions, etc. Almost without exception they were completely polite and what I thought was friendly to my face. I never took myself to be "imposing" unwantedly, and none ever said outright, "Go away." Some even acted outright positive, upbeat, and pleasant; they would even say, "No one's ever asked me that before!" (as if positively surprised) or "It was nice meeting you!" I detected no hint of sarcasm or disgust; now I did not always ask for a phone number, e-mail address, or screen name at these encounters, hoping chance might lead to our meeting again. I can only say that, after trying this numerous times, I didn't really feel like bothering with getting contact information unless they gave it to me first.

Eventually I became tired of all the effort which was going no where and started bluntly asking women for either dates or sex on social networking websites (which I consider to be free dating sites; whether I asked for a date or sex was whether I saw much personality compatibility that could lead to a more lasting relationship).

There was a point where I had talked to so many women that, not only was I not at all socially anxious about it, but it had become quite "ordinary" routine; thus it lost any feeling of commitment to outcome that would lead me to put any more than the most casual of effort in (and seemingly talking to them more just because than even out of any kind of special attraction at all—not even mere physical attraction).

Needless to say, I began focusing on getting a car, a career, getting healthier, and a place of my own because I figured these would make me more attractive to women. I work out at the gym enough that I am fairly physically fit (moreso if I didn't keep eating so much junk food) and dress decently instead of slovenly. I have a career now and a place of my own. Yet women aren't lining up at the door. Now that I am out of college, I have to figure out where to find women before I can even start the process of talking to them! This means I have scarcely talked to a woman roughly my age outside my family since I graduated.

Because of female guardedness, meeting women and securing a date (from which the woman doesn't later back down) is next to impossible. (I almost forgot that one woman did agree to a date in person but did not return my calls later on; another agreed to a date online but later flaked out after some changes in her social milieu)



JohnHopkins
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24 Nov 2007, 8:51 pm

Sounds like you just got bad luck as far as the women you asked, mate.

I've had virtually the same thing. Honsetly, I'm so paranoid that I actually give women an out if they say they'd like to go out with me. This one girl, I said to her, look if you're just humouring me, tell me now, I won't be offended. She did this big spiel about how she wasn't humouring me and I was a nice guy. Then she stands me up. Then I hear through the grape vine that she thinks I'm a f*****g stalker. Not once did she ever have the f*****g decency to actually tell me this to my face. Some women are just like that. Honestly, I think women don't know how good they have it that men will just be outward dickheads without consideration. It's better to be rejected offhand in a twattish way than think you're in there and then just get stood up and stood up and stood up...But then there are exceptions to every rule of course.



Anubis
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24 Nov 2007, 8:59 pm

Be persistent, don't back down until she says that she doesn't want to be friends/in contact outright to your face. Or perhaps girls just don't have the guts to do that, even if it hurts the guy's feelings more. It's one thing that really pisses me off.


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LadyBug
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24 Nov 2007, 9:04 pm

All the rage are the self-help guides for dating, which in my opinion has made it outright complicated. I don't know how young people are going to make it for having meaningful relationships nowadays, I really don't! I'm coming up on my Silver Wedding Anniversary, and we still date each other in a way. Hopefully, the information below will be helpful, as it seems to be what alot of young men are gauging themselves for strategies.

you never know who you'll meet

I've met a lot of beautiful women over the past few years, but the most interesting ones were those that I met by chance: on the street, in a caf or even at a restaurant. These women were also the ones I found most difficult to approach.

The only problem is that the situation is a little trickier. Firstly, you only have a few moments to make a courageous move, unlike a dance club, where you have all night to break the ice. Secondly, because you're in a not so welcoming environment, some women might be afraid of your ways.

10 Common Mistakes Men Make

Unfortunately, some men don't realize that certain factors will deter a woman from accepting an advancement or invitation from a total stranger. Here are the top 10 common mistakes men make when approaching a woman:

1- Forgetting a woman's comfort zone
Just because you know that you're a nice guy, that doesn't mean she will too. It is important for you to realize that most women will be on their guard when you first approach them. This is normal, and the important thing is for you to come across as a harmless guy. A little humor usually helps.

2- Trying to fool women
The second biggest error most men make is that they don't give women enough credit and respect. Most men think that they can fool a woman into giving them their number. Listen, women know that you're trying to pick them up, so don't beat around the bush. Be direct and let them know exactly what you want. By doing so, you'll come across as a confident and straightforward man.

snip

Balance at:

http://www.askmen.com/love/player/41_love_games.html



Anubis
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24 Nov 2007, 9:09 pm

Hmm, that looks helpful, thanks for posting.


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Donkeynomad
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24 Nov 2007, 9:38 pm

Hi guys,
You need to see things from a womans point of view.

Men, for the most part, are interested in the physical side of a relationship then they will decide whether to take it further. Women need to know that a man is in it for the long run and is a worthy mate and father (even if she is not interested in kids at the time) before she decides whether to take a relationship further.
Women get the asked out by men continually and have to constantly p**** foot around men who, for all they know, might be rapists or bashers or at least in it for a short time and then will disappear. It is not easy and most women don't want to keep putting men down but you can't just say yes to everybody.

Men:
1, Don't ask a woman on a date if you have only just met her. Let her get to know you first. Look for women at places where you will have the same interests, like sailing clubs, voluntary jobs, painting classes, archery clubs etc. At these places you can chat to women and let them get to know you in a non-threatening environment.

2, A first and second 'date' should just be a coffee or sandwich and chat at a local deli, McDonalds or other non-threatening place.

3, IF a lady decides that you are worth spending a bit of time with, take a cue from her as to how to procede.

4, Take time. A friendship can blossom into a relationsip if it is right but if it is not right, don't push or abandon her. If you treat her as a friend and NEVER put the hard word on her, she can often point you in the direction of another lady that she knows might have an interest in you.

5, A good lady friend (not lover) is valuable as a sounding board and adviser. Don't dump a girl just because she is not interested in you 'in that way'.

6, Keep it in your pants.

Cheers,
Rowan



pbcoll
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24 Nov 2007, 9:45 pm

LadyBug wrote:
All the rage are the self-help guides for dating, which in my opinion has made it outright complicated. I don't know how young people are going to make it for having meaningful relationships nowadays, I really don't! I'm coming up on my Silver Wedding Anniversary, and we still date each other in a way. Hopefully, the information below will be helpful, as it seems to be what alot of young men are gauging themselves for strategies.

you never know who you'll meet

I've met a lot of beautiful women over the past few years, but the most interesting ones were those that I met by chance: on the street, in a caf or even at a restaurant. These women were also the ones I found most difficult to approach.

The only problem is that the situation is a little trickier. Firstly, you only have a few moments to make a courageous move, unlike a dance club, where you have all night to break the ice. Secondly, because you're in a not so welcoming environment, some women might be afraid of your ways.


I would have no idea how to approach a stranger in a restaurant/cafe/etc. I could sit there, day after day for hours racking my brains looking for a way and come up with nothing, absolutely nothing. I've never done it in my life. I couldn't even do it at a club; for the life of me, i have no idea how to go about it, i lack the relevant NT instincts. I'm useless at meeting new people for that matter, not just potential dates.
I haven't had NeantHuman's problem because for years all the girls i've met that i had any interest in whatsoever have been very much taken; i am skeptical of the very existence of single girls in my area. I need to just accept that my life is going to be a solo flight.


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LadyBug
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25 Nov 2007, 2:50 pm

pbcoll wrote:
LadyBug wrote:
All the rage are the self-help guides for dating, which in my opinion has made it outright complicated. I don't know how young people are going to make it for having meaningful relationships nowadays, I really don't! I'm coming up on my Silver Wedding Anniversary, and we still date each other in a way. Hopefully, the information below will be helpful, as it seems to be what alot of young men are gauging themselves for strategies.

you never know who you'll meet

I've met a lot of beautiful women over the past few years, but the most interesting ones were those that I met by chance: on the street, in a caf or even at a restaurant. These women were also the ones I found most difficult to approach.

The only problem is that the situation is a little trickier. Firstly, you only have a few moments to make a courageous move, unlike a dance club, where you have all night to break the ice. Secondly, because you're in a not so welcoming environment, some women might be afraid of your ways.


I would have no idea how to approach a stranger in a restaurant/cafe/etc. I could sit there, day after day for hours racking my brains looking for a way and come up with nothing, absolutely nothing. I've never done it in my life. I couldn't even do it at a club; for the life of me, i have no idea how to go about it, i lack the relevant NT instincts. I'm useless at meeting new people for that matter, not just potential dates.
I haven't had NeantHuman's problem because for years all the girls i've met that i had any interest in whatsoever have been very much taken; i am skeptical of the very existence of single girls in my area. I need to just accept that my life is going to be a solo flight.


Agreed. And many of the approaches mentioned by Rowan, don't apply to me as a woman. I resigned myself to the fact I would never want to spend forever with anyone. It happened when I was established, having launched my goals and a career, thinking much the same as you. Whew! It hit me like a ton of bricks. And I tried to walk away from that relationship in fear, while at the same time having a few men berate me, saying that I lied to them about not wanting to date.



pbcoll
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25 Nov 2007, 6:16 pm

Donkeynomad wrote:
Women need to know that a man is in it for the long run and is a worthy mate and father (even if she is not interested in kids at the time) before she decides whether to take a relationship further.


Not all women, but I think any woman I would have an interest in would be like this.

Quote:
Men:
1, Don't ask a woman on a date if you have only just met her. Let her get to know you first. Look for women at places where you will have the same interests, like sailing clubs, voluntary jobs, painting classes, archery clubs etc. At these places you can chat to women and let them get to know you in a non-threatening environment.


The first part sounds sensible. However, I've tried the common-interests thing repeatedly with absolutely no success - I have made zero friends at these places, too. I have managed to meet very, very few people - one of them a girl that acted friendly but did not consider me good enough to even introduce to her friends. My experience, however counterintuitive it may be, is that practically anything is more likely to work than these common-interest activities, not just for dating but also for friendship.

Quote:
2, A first and second 'date' should just be a coffee or sandwich and chat at a local deli, McDonalds or other non-threatening place.


Sounds sensible to me.

Quote:
3, IF a lady decides that you are worth spending a bit of time with, take a cue from her as to how to procede.


Sounds OK

Quote:
4, Take time. A friendship can blossom into a relationsip if it is right but if it is not right, don't push or abandon her. If you treat her as a friend and NEVER put the hard word on her, she can often point you in the direction of another lady that she knows might have an interest in you.


I agree with the first part, my only relationship as with a girl I was friends with first. As for the second, people don't even talk to me about their love lives (2 exceptions: a girl who was, in a purely friendly way, trying to get me out of my shell, and another that talks about her jerk boyfriend and for some reason seems to think i give a damn), much less take an interest in mine.

Quote:
5, A good lady friend (not lover) is valuable as a sounding board and adviser. Don't dump a girl just because she is not interested in you 'in that way'.

I'm not sure - I would think men might give better general advice as to what women respond to in practice, a woman might tell you more about what she thinks would work with someone specifically like her.

Quote:
6, Keep it in your pants.


Yes.


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I am the steppenwolf that never learned to dance. (Sedaka)

El hombre es una bestia famélica, envidiosa e insaciable. (Francisco Tario)

I'm male by the way (yes, I know my avatar is misleading).


Last edited by pbcoll on 26 Nov 2007, 6:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

richardbenson
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25 Nov 2007, 8:35 pm

this is true! one only has to look in the classifieds, for rooms for rent. its only for females only, and females only need applyyyy