just a rant, need to get it off my chest

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I have gotten somewhat better at socialising recently, by practicing and getting help for social anxiety, but I often feel it's just pointless - what do i get out of it? today i went to a sort of birthday party, it was exhausting, there was some banter, which normally i can handle with no problem, but on this occasion it was about me 'having all these women' - this is like joking with someone who is feeling awful because of being stuck in a wheelchair about his being such a great runner. they were really not trying to be mean
and were genuinely surprised that it didn't go down well, maybe they now think i'm gay or that i think dating is wrong (but frankly i'm past caring what they think), but it just goes to show how managing to socialise is just an act i put on and i don't really get anything out of it, but the accute loneliness i get otherwise is even worse than all the stress and energy wasted on trying tom socialise. all the effort i put in into that seems like a waste, and this is no exception - everything in my life i've ever really put a major effort in now seems like it wasn't worth the trouble. I loathe conversations about sex, relationships or romance, they just bring out all the bitterness. i'm bitter at the grand old age of 24.
I love my parents and they are the only reason i don't just end it all, i would gladly leave others my place on this overcrowded world. i think they have an inkling of it and if i don't email them every single day they phone to check on me.
after the party, everyone else went to the pub, i had had enough and refused to go, it makes me feel even more cut off from others that the places where they have fun are places that bore me to tears. yet i have this irrational, uncontrollable, harmful need of human companionship.
yesterday i went out (not a date) with a girl i'm sort of friends with, of course i could think of almost nothing to say the whole time, possibly we'll go out again tomorrow (maybe i should just tell her i caught a bad case of bubonic plague, anthrax and sore throat and therefore not feeling up to it). for the life of me i don't know why she likes me, i get frustrated to no end by not being able to have a conversation, we have nothing in common and i wish she just found a better friend and forgot about me. oh yes, she is one of 'my women.' not that it's any better with people i have common interests with, if anything it's much worse.
on top of everything, i have loads of work-related stress (at the current rate my boss will be foaming at the mouth in like a week), yet my phd increasingly bores me and seems pointless. i'm working on a project that does not interest and that is a failure so far, to get a qualification for a career that no longer interests me. but i can't think of anything i could realistically do instead that seems any better.
what i would really want is to win the lottery, i would quit my phd, leave here without saying goodbye to anyone, spend the rest of my life on the Swiss Alps or in Scotland, waiting for my parents to die so that i would be free to kill myself.
Bach's music is the best source of comfort i have right now.

Go out with the girl.
If she likes you, fine, if not, fine too.
If she like you keep going out with her. You never know. Don't analyze why she likes you, and for heaven sake don't ask. If it lasts for five more dates, and you like her, chances are, you're pretty safe telling her....or maybe you ought to tell her on the third date. Just say something like "you know, your neat. I like you." and leave her an opening to give you a hug. If she takes it, fine, if not, make sure she's not waiting for you to make the first move. If she is, you give her the hug. And let things go on as they will, if they will.

Don't be so anxious to kill yourself. It's permenent if you make it.

I know, you need to rant, and this is the place to do it, but try to cheer up a little.

BTDT

No no no no! Nothing in common is, sometimes, a fantastic way to build a friendship.

I mean, I'm obviously not a professional on the subject, but I'm assuming that "nothing" is a bit of an exaggeration. There must be something -- and if not, well then that just opens up a ton of "doing things together."

You could ask her what she does with her spare time -- if she says cooking, hiking, getting her sexy on (:lol:), *anything* -- chances are you could weasel your way into doing it with her. And i'm not talking about a dating/sexual relationship, I'm talking about a 'normal' friendship -- and the reason why I say weasel is because you'll probably feel like you are being subversive about the whole thing but in fact, my theory is that that's how the NT's act in real life.

Or if you'd rather lead the sharing, develop a fondness for something like cooking (sorry, I just like cooking) and just explain to her that you'd like to try out a few recipes but you don't really want to do it alone (or at the very least, eat alone).

And don't kill yourself. Come on. There are many things out there worth living for -- the fun part is finding it, and the hard part is keeping it

fortunately she didn't call, i really wasn't in the mood for going out. i like her in a non-sexual way, but i really don't have anything to say to her at all and it's awkward every time I see her to try and keep a conversation going. i won't call her.
i think i will embrace my lack of social skills and make a virtue out of necessity.