when do i tell him?

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i am 20 & have just started to see this guy. i am not really sure if this counts as officially going out yet or not, we have been out for a meal twice & to the cinema once. the problem is we are both really shy so do not talk about how we feel very much. i dont know if & when i should tell him about the AS. if i do tell him there is the possibility that he will think i am a freak & leave me & if not then he may notice my less normal behaviours (i am quite bad with sensory sensitivity) & then really will think i am a freak. this is my first relationship of sorts & so i really dont know what to do. i have tried asking my NT friends but i dont think they really understand what it is like for me & so i am unwilling to do what they say on this matter

As I Say usually, I'm by no means what so ever a professional in this area. so be careful about taking my advice fully. All i go on is how i would personally do things. As socially akward as I am Can be very take it or leave it about acceptance, and have voiced it very vocally in the past when people have criticized me for being myself.

I figure you should tell him, if he rejects you it will be very hard to deal with my fist rejection resulted in me feeling physically Ill for 3 days, but you'll have voiced your concerns and gotten your answer, If it doesn't phase him at all or he doesn't care and still feels the same way about you you've found yourself a keeper.

Last edited by loudmouth on 30 Oct 2007, 7:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Before you mention it I think you should make sure he really likes you a lot first, so there would be less of a chance of rejection. Also, when you tell him make sure he knows what it is so he wont look down on you.

On the other hand, he may be in the process of evaluating you now, to decide if he likes you. Telling him now might make him understand your behavior.

I don't know, it can work or not work whatever strategy you take.

Why would you want to be with the sort of person whose reaction would be "freak!" and then run away? I'd say you should tell him. Honestly, I don't think it's likely he'd react badly (it's possible, but if he does you're well shot of him anyway). If you can explain it in terms of your personality (it might help if you write down or learn a short, 30 second or so explanation of what AS is), make it just another part of you, that might be better?

Yes. Make sure he really understands.

mmaestro speaks the truth.

In my experience, a guy who doesn't have the patience to listen to you explain something important to you is not a guy worth keeping around.

absolutely true. also, you mentioned that he is really shy. could it be that he is aspy as well? it all depends on how you present it. most people don't know about it, so it's up to you to tell. don't put it in a negative light, just put in factual terms, in a way that explains your personality.

i was going to tell him tonight but wimped out. i will tell him tomorrow though...

would it be a bad thing to do it by text? i am not very good at talking to people face to face & so often don't say what i intend to & let the other person talk or just talk about my obsessions... (as happened tonight)

I know I’m just adding to what’s already been said here, but I feel like I should get involved with the board by just getting used to the idea of posting. But I agree that you should just tell him out right, you never know what will happen if you do tell him, but then again you never know what might happen if you don’t, so its best to just get it off your chest rather then worrying, and you’ll feel much better with yourself knowing that this guy knows about you more then he would have.

Last time I told a girl I had AS I was really nervous; but it turned out she had it too, and didn’t know how to tell me either.

I'd write something down and hand him the letter, then have him read it while you're there. I don't think text message is generally long enough to give a thorough (or even cursory) explanation of what Asperger's is, if he doesn't already know. E-mail might be acceptable, although I'd be sure to start by saying something along the lines of "I know it's not normal to give major revelations within a relationship by E-mail or letter, but I find this difficult to talk about and I want to make sure I don't miss something that's important."

I would start by just explaining your odd behaviors as you have them. Like, explain you are super-sensitive to sounds or whatever, right after you have a reaction. When you two talk about friends or relationships, slowly reveal some of the problems you have making friends. When talking a about your interests, say how you tend to get obsessive over them. Sooner or later it will feel totally natural for you to tell him that all of these traits add up to something called aspergers. Chances are he will either already know, or be totally understanding and after hearing your explanation or reading a bit about it, everything will make sense. Just don't wait too long or it will be like you are withholding information from your partner.

I agree with both of them. You should talk to him about it, maybe you opening up to him will make him a littl more comfortable too. (you said your both shy.)

totally agree. I would not mention AS (most people don't know what it is anyway), just talk about some of your traits, without putting yourself down.

I know how it feels as I am in pretty much the same situation.

Except that for the time being we are only seeing each other as mates, as the other day he told me that for the past few weeks he hasn't had all the feeling he had for me before . But we will still see each other, like I said only as mates, and he hopes that his feelings will return to normal...I hope so too, he's my first boyfriend and we've only been together a few months.

So, we met up yesterday and at one point when we were in Pizza Hut, he said how quiet we had both been that day (and it was probably because it felt awkward and different to usual, etc.), and then he said "That's another thing; we never really talked much." And by that he meant we never talked to each other much before, and when I spoke to him on the phone a minute ago he said it was adding to the problem and how he felt, but at the same time if it wasn't like that he would still feel how he feels.
BUT - when we spoke I sort of had the intention of telling him about having AS, especially after what he said. I didn't in the end, however I said that I can find it difficult to start and maintain conversations, it's just part of who I am and that it does eventually get better, sometimes it takes ages, sometimes it doesn't. He said that he can be like it - well I couldn't really see how, he seems really chatty - but then again, only about theme parks - which he is obsessed with like I am - and I have AS...so I couldn't help thinking if he has it! Cos he said he can start conversations unlike me (and said it in a nice way of course!) but after a few sentences has no idea what to say next!!

So basically I feel loads better already and I haven't even told him, but the fact that I started to explain it has cheered me up so much it is mad! So I'd say gradually tell him...and you say he is shy too, so I'm sure that he will understand

I plan to tell him next time I see him, as I feel it would feel easiest for me. Another thing I would suggest is not texting him, personally for me it wouldn't feel right and not a very great way to explain it. Talking to people can be very difficult, especially when explaining AS to them, but for me, the thought of physically being with him when explaining makes it feel more...personal and closer, so I'd feel more comfortable. Whereas on the phone wouldn't be so, and e-mailing...well I'd want to be with him when explaining it. But that's obviously just how I feel, it's up to you what you wish to do, just giving you my thoughts, etc!

Good luck...I know I will need it, too!