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Tempy
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17 Nov 2007, 4:15 am

Me and my gf argue alot. And its my fault.

I dont know what to do and how to deal with it and i dont want her to be tired of me.

I forget to clsoe the door behind me and bugs come in, and ask stupid questions with no common sense like "how much juice is a little"

she tells me i need to try harder.

I want to do better.

How can I do better?

http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php? ... y&jid=5580



Kurtz
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17 Nov 2007, 4:27 am

Tempy wrote:
Me and my gf argue alot. And its my fault.

I dont know what to do and how to deal with it and i dont want her to be tired of me.

I forget to clsoe the door behind me and bugs come in, and ask stupid questions with no common sense like "how much juice is a little"

she tells me i need to try harder.

I want to do better.

How can I do better?

http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php? ... y&jid=5580


By getting a girlfriend that isn't abusive.


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LadyMahler
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17 Nov 2007, 4:37 am

I keep mislaying my keys and I forget to do stuff all the time, but luckily my NT husband isn't perfect either, so we don't blame one another all the time, but we do gently remind one another of things that annoy us.

If an NT and an aspie want to make things work, there must be a level of understanding of each other's shortcomings (and, hell yes, they have them too, but ours tend to be more frustrating, is my guess). She has to know that there will be things you forget. And if she wants you to remember them, there must be either a door with a spring that forces it to close after you, or a big sign on the door reminding you to close it, or a little string with a bell that is forced to tinkle as you open the door to remind you to close it. That's the way it works with aspies/auties. You have to be creative to make things work. You will need someone that is prepared to be patient and would in the first place love you, unconditionally, and in the second place help you to function in a way that is acceptible ('cause closing doors is kinda important in the long term, not just for bugs for, say security and to prevent slamming in windy weather, which could damage the door and make a terrible noise). A little juice should be described as "two fingers", or "one finger", or "half a glass". She should not fight the aspie nature, and together, if both of you try to gently work things out, it actually will.

Patience. Creativity. Love. Please don't blame yourself and beat yourself up for mistakes made, though. She should not either. "Try harder" is definitely not the right thing to say.



i_Am_andaJoy
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17 Nov 2007, 4:41 am

Tempy wrote:
Me and my gf argue alot. And its my fault.

I dont know what to do and how to deal with it and i dont want her to be tired of me.

I forget to clsoe the door behind me and bugs come in, and ask stupid questions with no common sense like "how much juice is a little"

she tells me i need to try harder.

I want to do better.

How can I do better?

http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php? ... y&jid=5580


hmmm. well, since i just sat here for a minute trying to think how to explain how much juice is a little (so that THAT problem would be all taken care of for you)

i may have realized i am not supremely qualified to give "do better" advice...


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doordoctor
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17 Nov 2007, 7:19 am

as lady mahler said: thought of installing a closer (whether it be just simple pulley and weight or arm type closer such as grey thing in my avator at left) this could also happen (forgetting to close door after entering) if you work or go to school that has them on EVERY DOOR u get alittle too used to it and have a problem in transition from school(or work) to home because of sensation of spring working against you as you open the door (yea i had this problem when i started middle school, forgetting to close or slamming open doors) due to too used to spring pressure or it closing for me.

im pretty sure if you explain (if your work or school has the closures(if ur in uk or europian country spelling is a bit differant) that yea that can be cause and is not just some lame excuse


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Pandora
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17 Nov 2007, 9:19 am

Kurtz wrote:
Tempy wrote:
Me and my gf argue alot. And its my fault.

I dont know what to do and how to deal with it and i dont want her to be tired of me.

I forget to clsoe the door behind me and bugs come in, and ask stupid questions with no common sense like "how much juice is a little"

she tells me i need to try harder.

I want to do better.

How can I do better?

http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php? ... y&jid=5580


By getting a girlfriend that isn't abusive.
I second that because she'll probably just get worse and worse. The only other thing I can think of and it might not do much good is pick her up on her own faults.


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Break out you Western girls,
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Pugly
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17 Nov 2007, 11:57 am

If you get in arguments over all this little stuff, your personalities aren't compatible at all.

Tell her to be patient, that'll you'll try not to forget stuff... if she doesn't blow up.


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Tempy
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17 Nov 2007, 4:19 pm

Thing is she doesnt blow up she gets mad/angry whatever. She gets over it and I do say I am sorry. I just dont know what to do on the spot. Thats what I meant. She is not abusive. We have been together for yeras even before she thought something was wrong with me, and though we argue about little stuff like that we are usually ok with the big stuff. we both faithful and like the same stuff and she doesnt mind i ask her a million questions like "why would being fine as a brok house be a compliment?"

see what i mean, what do i do when someone is angry how you not . . how you not . . . make it worse by saying stuff and doing stuff once they are angry that makes it worse?

sometimes i get bad, i shove and stuff.



Tempy
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17 Nov 2007, 4:24 pm

LadyMahler wrote:
I keep mislaying my keys and I forget to do stuff all the time, but luckily my NT husband isn't perfect either, so we don't blame one another all the time, but we do gently remind one another of things that annoy us.

If an NT and an aspie want to make things work, there must be a level of understanding of each other's shortcomings (and, hell yes, they have them too, but ours tend to be more frustrating, is my guess). She has to know that there will be things you forget. And if she wants you to remember them, there must be either a door with a spring that forces it to close after you, or a big sign on the door reminding you to close it, or a little string with a bell that is forced to tinkle as you open the door to remind you to close it. That's the way it works with aspies/auties. You have to be creative to make things work. You will need someone that is prepared to be patient and would in the first place love you, unconditionally, and in the second place help you to function in a way that is acceptible ('cause closing doors is kinda important in the long term, not just for bugs for, say security and to prevent slamming in windy weather, which could damage the door and make a terrible noise). A little juice should be described as "two fingers", or "one finger", or "half a glass". She should not fight the aspie nature, and together, if both of you try to gently work things out, it actually will.

Patience. Creativity. Love. Please don't blame yourself and beat yourself up for mistakes made, though. She should not either. "Try harder" is definitely not the right thing to say.


i like your advice. she is sweet you know. my gf is sweet and after all the rough spot she will tell me she loves me that we just gotta work it out and i just gotta work with her. we are living in a rented room atm, in a house full of mexicans that, though i am not being derogatory?? these people in particular are not clean their house always changes their kids are loud and there is babies here and its busy and she knows it bothers me and its stressing her too and she got all this worry i think that is why and i want to be able to stop her from getting angry.



Kurtz
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17 Nov 2007, 4:58 pm

Tempy wrote:
LadyMahler wrote:
I keep mislaying my keys and I forget to do stuff all the time, but luckily my NT husband isn't perfect either, so we don't blame one another all the time, but we do gently remind one another of things that annoy us.

If an NT and an aspie want to make things work, there must be a level of understanding of each other's shortcomings (and, hell yes, they have them too, but ours tend to be more frustrating, is my guess). She has to know that there will be things you forget. And if she wants you to remember them, there must be either a door with a spring that forces it to close after you, or a big sign on the door reminding you to close it, or a little string with a bell that is forced to tinkle as you open the door to remind you to close it. That's the way it works with aspies/auties. You have to be creative to make things work. You will need someone that is prepared to be patient and would in the first place love you, unconditionally, and in the second place help you to function in a way that is acceptible ('cause closing doors is kinda important in the long term, not just for bugs for, say security and to prevent slamming in windy weather, which could damage the door and make a terrible noise). A little juice should be described as "two fingers", or "one finger", or "half a glass". She should not fight the aspie nature, and together, if both of you try to gently work things out, it actually will.

Patience. Creativity. Love. Please don't blame yourself and beat yourself up for mistakes made, though. She should not either. "Try harder" is definitely not the right thing to say.


i like your advice. she is sweet you know. my gf is sweet and after all the rough spot she will tell me she loves me that we just gotta work it out and i just gotta work with her. we are living in a rented room atm, in a house full of mexicans that, though i am not being derogatory?? these people in particular are not clean their house always changes their kids are loud and there is babies here and its busy and she knows it bothers me and its stressing her too and she got all this worry i think that is why and i want to be able to stop her from getting angry.


You're breaking my heart. You poor sweet thing, you deserve so much better. You aren't bad, okay?

You aren't bad.

You aren't stupid.

You are not the problem.

One day you're going to find out just how strong you are.


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DeaconBlues
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17 Nov 2007, 5:07 pm

Yes, Tempy, you have to work with her.

And she has to work with you, too!

It can't be all one-way - if you're going to be together long-term, she's just going to have to adjust to the fact that you don't measure things well with vague terms like "a little", or "some".

Anecdote: My elder brothers took me to see the premiere of Star Trek: The Motion Picture. While we were waiting in the lobby for the doors to open, Pat handed me a twenty and asked me to get some popcorn. I asked, "How much?"

"All of it."

I chuckled in appreciation of the (poor) joke, and asked again, "Okay, but how much popcorn do you want me to get?"

"All of it," he said again.

I got four buckets, two mediums, and four smalls, for a total of $19.85 worth of popcorn.

When I got back, I thought he was going to kill me, but fortunately, Steve pointed out that it was his own damn fault - he did say "all of it", after all...

If she's going to use imprecise terms like "a little", she's going to have to get used to you bringing her what you think of as a little juice. If she wants a certain amount, she's going to have to figure out a way of letting you know how much that is.

(For your own part, you will have to figure out a way to remember to close the door...) :)


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Tempy
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17 Nov 2007, 7:33 pm

i want to point out she has NEVER said I was bad or stupid. I think what she means work with her as in you know, she is frustrated cause of the whole situation, i think.

I have bad timing. Honestly i do. Like asking the same thing over and over when she is trying to do 5 other things.

She got me a calendar and we are working on that. On me learning to keep track of my appointmets and got me a little case for my meds so I know if i took them or not.

I grew up spoiled, my parents usually let me do watever I wanted and I never learned to organize, either.

She is trying I know she is.

I think once i get an official diagnosis, and i get ssi and we can afford to move out of this bad place, tention between us will be better, i think thats part of the problem and that she has to deal with another friend of ours thats a total idiot.



Tempy
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17 Nov 2007, 7:42 pm

she doesnt have a jopb right now cause my physch told her that if her availability to be with me changed id have to go to a hospital. im not even sure she is gonna say im an aspie, i am not very independant. sometimes i feel that for 24, im damn . . .*sigh* things are just complicated

besides i started this post when i was still mad myself and not able to say all the details

this is how the thread started

we live in a room we rent in a house with at least 12 other people 3 couples of adults live here OTHER than us. 1 pair in master bedroom with 4 kids, 1 in the garage with 2 kids one in the bedroom next to ours with 3 boys and a newborn baby girl

None of these people are very clean, they leave food out, dirty tissue in the floor in teh bathroom, mud, piss on the toilet, and god knows what else. Its nasty. We were supposed to be sharing the main kitchen and bathroom only with two single guys that lived here originally. well one of them moved out, these people moved in (the other guy still lives here in the shed they turned into a room but he is hardly around it seems).

Well my gf is very health concious and we have a bathroom routine we sanitize the toilet everytime we use it and need to keep teh bedroom door closed and close it quick behind us to keep them out and i hesitate at random to close the door, sometimes it just doesnt dawn on me, and cleaning the bathroom sometimes I just wander off, and she has to be loud or I dont snap out of it you know? I am on depakote and need to watch that I take it on time.

And that day that i posted this she was getting on my case about how I need to go sanitize that we do thsi everytime these people are dirty and so forth. And I know this, and I want to do what is of course the right thing to do without her having to be down my throat for me to realize it. Because sometimes it takes that much to get me rolling.



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18 Nov 2007, 2:10 am

Why doesn't your girlfriend complain to the people renting you the house that the other people are not being clean? Mind you, if it's so crowded - it's hard to be clean. The Mexicans would also have grown up in households where houseproudness wasn't possible.

I still think your girlfriend shouldn't be lecturing you and you shouldn't be making so many excuses for her. That said, the sooner you can get out of that place, the better. The rent must be cheap (or should be). Surely it is illegal to put so many people in the same house? Would the health authorities be interested in knowing there are so many.

The noise would be the main thing that would bother me because I have sensory issues, but the crowding would be stressful too. It seems wrong that so many people are crammed into one house.


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Tempy
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18 Nov 2007, 7:24 am

Pandora wrote:
Why doesn't your girlfriend complain to the people renting you the house that the other people are not being clean? Mind you, if it's so crowded - it's hard to be clean. The Mexicans would also have grown up in households where houseproudness wasn't possible.

I still think your girlfriend shouldn't be lecturing you and you shouldn't be making so many excuses for her. That said, the sooner you can get out of that place, the better. The rent must be cheap (or should be). Surely it is illegal to put so many people in the same house? Would the health authorities be interested in knowing there are so many.

The noise would be the main thing that would bother me because I have sensory issues, but the crowding would be stressful too. It seems wrong that so many people are crammed into one house.


The noise bothers me greatly, im in owl schedual(however u spell that!) now, though the guy across teh hall snores loud. She doesnt complain tothem cause they only speak spanish (lo and behold im the one that speaks spanish) i talk to them about it all they time, they said if we are not comfortable here, he did not mind giving us a month to find another place. the rent is cheap for california, especially how we ended up stranded out here and jobless and its illegal, but its all we got to go on in terms of roof over our head.

let me go back a bit more;

we came to california so my gf could see her bf and get married (aha!! dont ask lol) with another friend of ours (who was renting the other room and then left to go to his brothers house) this is a long story. we came we vacationed they married, her husband anew saw us off, and the car broke down . . . then our job called and said they got a new influx of volunteers and they laid off the new people (we worked at child care in a church).

Then our other room mate got himself kicked out of our house back where we lived, and had to hop a buss to get here, he was supposed to get a job and help, cause i had gotten real ill by then, my nerves have gotten really bad, i had stress seizures non stop and i am still not well enough to be on my own. he keeps having temp jobs and the longest one he got he got fired (that in itself is a LONG story). so u dont ask, her husband ended up in jail, accused of stealing (not true but what can u do the law can be bogus).

done talking for now

all in all, its been a very stressful 9 months