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Wilco
Toucan
Toucan

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Joined: 31 Dec 2007
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 289
Location: Netherlands, Noord-Holland

01 Jan 2008, 11:54 am

OK, I have had an online, LDR GF for almost 10 months. and even htough I never really met her, I have learned alot. I want to ask something first, how many of you are shy? and are you shy on the internet as well? Because what I have seen/heard from most Aspies is that they need alot of time before they open up to anyone. If you really want a Girl Friend, then here's what you should do:

Be yourself, don't hesitate, don't doubt, just be you. be honest, how mnay times did you not say something you wanted to say, or not did something you wanted to do because you were shy or scared? I know it is hard to just do this, and I have had lots of help from my (ex)girl friend.

Now with this short storie, here is a suggestion:

Try doing an MMO (World of Warcraft isnt too good for this, maybe try Final Fantasy XI.) and dont I repeat dont hesitate to be yourself. After some time (it can be long it can be short) you will notice a change. You will hesitate less, be more open, make more jokes. especially if you're in a clan or something. You will get more and more friends, and after a time, all hesitation is gone. (it can happen that you meet a girl online, that you really like. like me, it's not a bad idea to try something with her, LDR relationships DO work, but there are some things you need to look at, I will tell you what later)

The more you "progress" in these games, the more confident you will be. You will be in situations that seem scary, situations everyone fear, but because you are in your own safe enviroment, and because the consequences will be small, its alot safer. Does anyone have a picture of himself in his head? the "perfect" you? nobody is perfect, but that person will come out more and more.

If you feel really confident in the game, try being a little bit more open in real life. I'm not saying you should immidiatly trow everything out, just take it slow. talk a bit more with some of your good friends, do things with them, listen to them, ask them things and watch him closely, you might learn something. More and more, you will see that what you did ingame is possible in real life too. when you make a mistake people might laugh at you, but at those times you can log back in and talk to your online friends. most of them have a listening ear trust me.

By being yourself more and more, others will see the real you, your personality, which will not only attract more friends, but girls as well. of course, to see this they have to get to know you better. Which takes time, everything takes time. and getting to this point might take over a year. but now you can be yourself, no hesitations, no fears, (although they will never dissapear completly.) you will have more fun and things grow by themselves.

If you see a girl you like, just ask her out on a date. I can't describe how scary this was for me, but when people like you as a friend, when you are the "Nice guy in the 3th row" instead of the shy or quiet one, you will mostly get a nice response, wether its a yes or no. The first time I asked someone she said no, and an hour later her friends came to me, asking me how I was gonna "win her heart". it was all a big laugh, for them and for me. For the rest nobody can give you a real advice. Everybody is different, Aspies are different in a special way and girls do fall in love with that. but your personality is most important of them all.

There are a few things you should really consider though.
1: this is extra difficult when its an LDR or online relationship, people with aspies have a hard time picking up secret signals, or knowing what your GF needs. explain this to her, tell her it is important to you and ask her every now and then what she dislikes.

2: idk what it was called, but we aspies can really set our minds on one thing, making it the most important thing there is for us. this is very hard in relationships because: If its your GF you might have trouble with a no, or with the fact that she wants to do something with some one else. Also you might be giving her too much attention, and like I said a few lines back, its hard for us to see what see dislikes, that includes wanting more space. If she isnt the thing you focus on so much, she might feel neglected because you always think about that thing (lets take cars for example) and you have to ask yourself, if she doesnt share the intrest in cars like you do, how will you react on it? what does she want to talk about?
(PS: be carefull with the MMO, because if thats the thing you really focus on so much, you can start focusing too much and it will be difficult to let it go)

3: communication, no relationship can do without it. but how good are you in expressing yourself? a major problem for me was letting my girl friend know how I feel about things. and she misunderstood me mor ethen once. make sure she understands you. and if you think she doesnt keep explaining until she does