aspies and being a "jerk" to women

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Okay, most people have heard all cliches like "women like jerks" and "nice guys finish last." I am realizing that a lot of women seem to feel (they have told me this) more comfortable around guys who treat them mean, because then they are always trying to gain their favor. So even if they like you, if you don't treat them mean, they lost interest, because they have you.

My problem is that with AS I am so literal, and honest, that it seems to ruin my chances with most women. I don't know how to be a jerk. I can't just snap my fingers, read a book, or decide "I am going to be a jerk to women now." It seems like even if you can get a date, if you be yourself, you are screwed.

I just wonder if I will ever be successful in relationships unless I can somehow learn to be mean to women(in the way they "want"). It feels messed up even just reading this.

You watch too many sitcoms and soap operas Space.



In real life, women like the good down to earth man.

Hey,

I'm told I'm too harsh when I speak. My girlfriend also says I act like a child, and when I asked her what she meant, she realised that it wasn't an act - that it feels normal to me. She now thinks I'm a mental case.

I really don't think this will work. I got in the pants of the girls I have because I was a sweet, caring soul. The ones who feel they have to work for your favour are not worth the trouble in my mind.

THIS WAS FROM A WOMAN'S MOUTH, I AM NOT MAKING THIS s**t UP!

Well said. But what women really like is confidence in a man, which is why many Aspie men have trouble finding a partner.
ie, as an Aspie woman, even though I understand this lack of confidence, I'm still turned off by it.

I think most have it wrong anyway as I hear this the most, "sick of lying, cheating, manipulating, controlling, no respect male's that think with they you know... ( & find most females do the same, they normally blow they steam off on us, been nice & pms female comes at you, sorry ladies but only way I could describe it in short ( never try & help by the way ))

I know where your coming from as I came to that conclusion too, first you need to lose any respect you have so you don't care if you lose the person to be a jerk, then you got to control her ( in a lvl they want, :/ ye right once you reinforce it, you better start wearing skirts, put your hair how they want it, not going place's, getting your head bitten off from where you been, & getting parked somewhere where you need to tazer they you know )

Yet when they meet someone nice you get that run effect, does not mean I can't play nasty, or playful, just mean's I respect her ( any other picture they get like a raven lunatic as soon as the door shuts ). Can explain it easy using the bullies tactic of confusing, you do anything different to what is expected then that effect happens.

also came across this while I was browsing playful http://www.helpguide.org/mental/EQ7_pla ... cation.htm

Social skills

Social skills are learned in the give and take of play. Without play, people have a difficult time developing skills of communicating trust and mutual pleasure. If play is minimal or contains conflicting signals, these skills are not integrated or refined. Concepts of verbal and body language, safety and danger, freedom and boundaries are discovered and practiced repeatedly during infant and child play. Other important qualities that develop through regular play include empathy, compassion and the capacity for intimacy. Emotional intelligence is also developed through play.

And this part does not help

What do most Nobel Laureates, innovative entrepreneurs, artists and performers, well-adjusted children, happy couples and families, and the most successfully adapted mammals have in common? They play enthusiastically throughout their lives. --- What common denominator is shared by mass murderers, abused children, burnt-out employees, depressed mothers, caged animals, and chronically worried students? Play is rarely or never a part of their lives.” -- Stuart Brown, Institute of Play

mont of stuff that is fed to a female is no wonder why we have a hard time, special since they read this type of stuff in books & mags & stuff..

Last edited by logitechdog on 20 Jan 2008, 2:54 am, edited 2 times in total.

You don't have to actually be a jerk. You just can't be overly nice when you first start getting to know a girl. It's pretty much impossible for me to be a jerk to women, but it is very easy for me to hold back compliments, and being an Aspie, it is really easy for me to act uninterested, which may make me seem like a jerk.

Save the compliments and romance for when you have something steady going.

Of course women like men to be nice to them. Who doesn't? Men like to be treated nice too, but being nice is some kind of weird sub-conscious turn-off to a lot of women.

Going on my own experiences and observations, here are a few common circumstances that can cause this "women like jerks" impression:

1) Girl has low self-esteem and does not recognize that she is being treated poorly or believes she deserves to be treated poorly.

2) Guy who is NOT nice thinks he is nice and is getting turned down for his niceness, but he is actually getting turned down because girls think he is a jerk.

3) Reasonably nice guy (early in the relationship or in the pre-relationship stage) gets over-excited, clingy, over-accomodating (doormat), and/or a bit too aggressive. By aggressive I mean he calls too often, writes very long letters very frequently, presumes exclusivity or obligation on the part of the female, etc. He is then rejected for this behavior and he believes he was turned down for being nice.

2 and 3 are much more common than 1

You don't need to be mean. You just need to have respect for yourself and for the girl you are dating.

Also, avoid other things that might get you labeled as nice. If they make a suggestions as to what you should order, order something completely different. Don't ask them for their opinion on anything. If a waiter sits you down at a table that you don't want, don't ask her if she wants to move or if she'd be ok with moving, just ask for another table.

If that is true gwenevyn then why are a lot of them saying this, & read tone's of books on how to get a perfect man & all them other type's of books. Instead of thinking about what type of person you want.

ILl say this 1 time, males have they bar too low & ALLOT of females have it too HIGH

If I might interject... I'd say that from this girl's perspective it's not that the guy needs to avoid being labeled nice (and I don't think it would be necessary to disregard her preferences for the meal). Rather, it is great to see a guy who isn't stuffing all his own preferences under the rug in order to please me. I don't trust a guy who "happens" to agree with me on everything, but it isn't because he is too nice... it's because he comes across as a liar or a pushover. I know he couldn't possibly actually agree with me on everything, so I figure he is out to get something from me, not get to know me and bond with me.

(Plus, as a personal preference, it's nice to be with someone who says "would you like to go to xyz restaurant" rather than the whole "what do you want to do? i dunno... what do you want to do?" cycle)

Sorry for the double post. I just saw this. I am not at all sure what you are asking me, nor do I understand what you are saying in your earlier post. Could you rephrase?

& you wonder why it's easyier for females lol, think my brain will be exploding by the time I get all the information needed& I fill it with all the to dos & not to do, other words might as well stop been yourself & fake who you are , what happened to a shy guy been a turn on...

( this g ) You don't need to be mean. You just need to have respect for yourself and for the girl you are dating.

There is a top 10 list on askmen.com for being the man that women want. Here are a few that are strongly related to being a jerk/being a nice guy.


Number 7
Never follow the woman
Men often try to follow a woman who doesn’t want to lead, and when she doesn’t lead, the man tries to convince her to lead with questions and body language that seeks approval. She leads, he follows -- in fact, she isn’t even leading, but he tries to follow. This is a huge mistake. Instead, step up, be a man and LEAD. Pick a course and stay on it -- even though she is all over the map. Let her reorient her body, behavior and moods to yours. Don’t backpedal, change, explain yourself, or ever try to get her to lead. She may resist at first, but she’ll love you for it in the end.

Number 5
Stop giving away your power
Most men give away their power to women to get approval. The problem is that this is not one of the ways to be the man women want. That’s why those few men who choose to keep their power are so powerfully attractive to women. What’s the lesson here? Never give away your power to get on a woman’s “good side.” If feels like it should work, but it NEVER does.

Number 4
“Man up” about your insecurities
Instead of hiding the things that you’re insecure about, feature them until you’re over them. How? Practice making cocky jokes about them when you first meet a woman and are flirting. Say something like, “This is never going to work out; you’re not good at arguing and I overcompensate for being short by acting arrogant... so we’d always argue, and I’d always win.”

"Be yourself" is so cliché! As if it is possible to be someone else. And even if other people could influence you to be somebody else, the suggestion "be yourself" would be a good way to influence who they are.