Why are women on dating sites such hippocrites

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I decided, seeing as I had nothing to lose that I should take a deep breath and join plenty of fish just to try my chances. I am surprised at the nature of the women on that site.

Now i will just say im not having a go at women in particular, most of my friends are girls and i respect them a lot. But on plenty of fish they always say drop me a line if you want to talk or fi you want to know more, they promise a reply when they can, but you drop them a line or leave them a message, and then nothing! I've messaged a few girls who i thought sounded quite friendly and nice to chat to. But I've only had one reply. I am aware people can't be on all the time, but most of the girls I've messaged have been on but they have not given me the courtesy or politeness to reply. Even a simple "Thank you for your message but im not interested." Would at least be polite.

It appears to me that most girls on there who are looking for long term are acting like stuck up hypocrites because of this. They get a message form someone like me who's tried to be nice and they just let it rot in the inbox. Why do they have to such b*****s about dating? Are they trying to hurt my feelings, are they just scared or are they just generally ignorant? Im really confused.

I would guess that there are a lot of inactive profiles on such sites? People who set them up and then never checked their messages? Are you able to see how long it is since a person was online?

I wouldn't say they were stuck up hypocites so much as a bit lazy and forgetful. I mean, I'm the no.1 culprit for going 'yeah, I'll reply to that tomorrow' then forgetting, but it's nothing malicious.

Out of interest, what do you tend to write in your messages? Some men send me messages which only say something like, 'Hi! Just thought I'd say hi! How are you!' and if I'm honest I never reply to them because it's not much of a conversation... doesn't show any imagination or thought.

I tend to tell them things like Hello and how are you? I tell them a bit about myself, i note things me and the person have in common, i ask a bit about what they do and i ask for more info on their hobbies they enjoy. I just try to show im interested in what they do and what they are like.

Also, i check the profiles and it says stuff like online today or online in the last week.

Oh, that sounds cool. I don't know why they haven't replied. One thing I'm always being told about my messages though is that they're too long and verbose and apparently everyone finds them offputting, (though I have the idea in my head that when i find the right person they will actually like it), so I hope you don't fall into the same trap as me. I think NT people think 3 or 4 lines is right.

Having had such distressing communication with men on dating sites, I might be able to give a bit of perspective on your issues, Topher. By far and away the most typical response I get from men is hostility when their 'trying to be nice' is responded to and I have to let them know I am not interested. Matter of fact, I can almost guarantee that some guy that sends me a 'nice' note will turn hostile almost immediately if I actually exchange emails with him and I have to let him know I am not interested.
I can see that you have already turned hostile ("b*****s about dating" 'trying to hurt my feelings' 'scared or just generally ignorant') and they didn't have to respond at all. Just remember, if they DID answer you and then decide you are not their soul mate, your complaints would be the same, you would just leave out the part that they did not respond, you would be complaining that they 'led you on!' if they did try to get to know you before they stopped replying or told you you were not 'the one'.

I have no doubt you are wanting women to 'take you as you are.' You are not realizing that this is the response you get.

now, go off on me, let me know that I am just 'another one of the demonized "them" that dosen't "understand" and then forget me as a person but just use my words as proof your own attitude is the correct one.


see what I mean?

Merle

The hostility bit I can understand. Although I would not turn hostile to one person in particular. I would not send offensive message or send tells complain about why you id not not reply to me as thats not my way. I would just let them carry on with their daily lives. I just can't understand the 'No responses'

What I don't understand is the bit you said about "Taking me as I am." I am confused as to what you mean. Could you elaborate further?

PS: I am honestly not a hostile person and I would not take my anger out on anyone, and I can show restraint, and on dating sites I would not want to sent a huge rant to someone whos turned me down. it's honestly not my way. You have made a good point. I am just confused as to a couple of bits. I am trying to get the correct attitude.

if you are ugly in your posted picture there, then some will be really hostile if you contact them.

women get a lot more messages than men on these sites, and it is easy for them to delete yours and go onto the next. I think you need a really good profile pic. That and make creative messages.

Instead of calling women hypocrites, why not just accept the far more likely scenario that they're just not interested in you? The beauty of dating sites is to avoid the embarassment/rejection that happens in real life. I'm on OKC and I get tons of messages from weirdos constantly, and I don't want to send each one back a message saying "I'm not interested". If I ever wrote someone a message and they wrote that to me instead of just not responding, I would be hurt. I have not ONCE received an "I'm not interested" reply. They either carry on the conversation or don't respond at all. It sounds like it's only you that wants to incorporate the awkwardness of real life dating into the online scene. Not everyone has the same style, so you need to stop being a misogynist and accept the fact that they obviously don't want to talk to you. Maybe you're not as great a catch as you seem, especially when you're calling people stuck up b*****s for not being interested enough to write back to you.

I don't belong to any dating sites, but I would not respond to someone I wasn't interested in for a couple of reasons:

1. Like Sarah said, you will likely encounter hostility if you tell someone you're not interested. I know some guys do the whole "Well, why not?" thing and demand answers. You don't have to answer messages from women you aren't interested in, so extend that same courtesy to girls.

2. I don't think it's nice to tell someone that you aren't attracted to them, or you don't find them compatible or interesting. I would not want to hurt a guy who is probably a perfectly nice person by saying "Sorry, I'm not interested in you." Wouldn't it hurt your feelings if they told you that? What is the point of them contacting you if they are not interested?

Also, there ARE high rates of inactivity on those sites - the person you sent the message to may be in a relationship, or not have logged in for months.

Try not to take it personally!

Exactly. If someone doesn't reply at all, you can allow yourself to imagine that they never logged in, forgot, have a partner already, are too busy etc. If someone does reply and say they're not interested you know that they looked at your profile and for some reason didn't like what they saw. Personally I'm much happier imagining they just forgot to reply.

thank you for having such a mature and problem solving stance about it all, Topher. Knowing the issues is half solving them!

the hostility is inside of you, not that you would EVER express it to others, it is inside that it gnaws at you and it leaks out in other ways.

When you send a 'polite' hello, you are not sending yourself.

Now. . . you can certainly BE polite, (and I would hope you are) but the polite hello warns us off of you. I would suggest you write about your passions, your hopes and dreams for yourself, your plans, your needs and most important. .how someone with all that going on for them would fit an intimate companion into all of that. Show us where the room for them is, what you are looking for in a relationship, take the inititive and paint us a picture of how your idea and ideal might look to you. Then we can hold it up next to our own ideal and ideas and do a bit of comparison.

Most guys don't want to put it all out there, because when someone says "thanks but no thanks' they think their idea/ideals are not good, instead of not what the other person is looking for.

But when the guy DOESN'T put it all out there, he doesn't even get the time of day.

so, if you are going to get 999 rejections before you get the one 'oh, BOY! are you someone I want to talk to! you might as well get 999 rejections by actually TRYING, instead of just sending polite replys.

am I making any sense to you, here, Topher? I am trying to say the woman considers her AD POSTING her 'polite hello", now you step up to the plate and hit it out of the park with an ANSWER to her!

Merle

I looked at PlentyOfFish a few months back. Websites like that are for gutter women and desperate men. Not any place you can find someone respectable. If you want some risky fun though knock yourself out by all means.

And another annoying thing is anyone can be who they want behind a computer screen...

what? no "gutter" men for desparate women?

Merle

They're interchangeable but I take your point.