AS and Poor Delivery of Criticism

Page 1 of 1 [ 12 posts ]

Joined: 24 Jan 2008
Age: 48
Gender: Female
Posts: 753
Location: On top of your TV, lookin' at you funny.

01 Feb 2008, 2:25 pm

Just wondering if, as an aspie, you've been accused of delivering constructive criticism in an inappropriate/unacceptable/demeaning manner to your partner. Sort of the "It's not what you said but the way you said it" scenario.

If so, what have you done to improve communicating these sorts of things? I think it is important to be able to speak your mind, but I also think delivery method matters.

GrantZilla
Snowy Owl

Joined: 18 Jan 2008
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 155

01 Feb 2008, 3:29 pm

It's funny you mention this. My girl teases me all the time, but in fun. Yet when I "tease" her back, she usually ends up crying.

I get mad, saying why it's it ok to joke around with me but not ok if I do it back. She says it's because of the brutal way I say it. That I know how to cut deep so that not teasing.

LVBen
Toucan
Toucan

Joined: 7 Jan 2008
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 257

01 Feb 2008, 4:20 pm

Mikomi wrote:

I've had people say "be honest" and then I tell them my honest opinion and then they hate me!

Darling
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 22 Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 72
Location: England

01 Feb 2008, 4:54 pm

pff that happens to me all the time.

and then i go 'huh? what? wait, what did i say?' and even that they don't get the message that hellooo, i'm the one who's confused here. i mean, what the hell is the point of being honest anyway? anyhoo, i can never stop myself blurting out stuff.

...

>_>

_________________
Haven regular.

Dantac
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 21 Jan 2008
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,672
Location: Florida

01 Feb 2008, 4:55 pm

^ yep.

I learned to use the disclaimer: "Do you want an honest opinion or a polite opinion?"

if they go for the honest one, they asked for it & they get mentally prepared for what's coming

juliekitty
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 Jun 2006
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,540

01 Feb 2008, 11:32 pm

Mikomi wrote:

"It's not what you said but the way you said it"

Good Lord, how I hate hearing that.

What could be less possible to defend yourself from?

AliceinOz
Sea Gull

Joined: 28 Feb 2007
Age: 61
Gender: Female
Posts: 223
Location: Australia

02 Feb 2008, 9:27 am

Sometimes I wonder if it really is my delivery that sucks or whether NTs use my autism as an excuse. Perhaps it is not so much an AS/NT contrast as much as just sheer plain rudeness or intolerance to critcism.

_________________
As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Veresae
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Feb 2006
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,023

02 Feb 2008, 6:43 pm

I often sugar-coat the negative things I say these days. That seems to work a lot better.

Wilco
Toucan
Toucan

Joined: 31 Dec 2007
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 289
Location: Netherlands, Noord-Holland

03 Feb 2008, 3:50 am

Veresae wrote:

I often sugar-coat the negative things I say these days. That seems to work a lot better.

Exactly. When something is just bad. scoring a 1 in a scale from 1 to 10 I'd say it's nice but then point out some things that need attention.

But people say my standards are too strict. When we do a group assignment with 2+ people I always end up leading the group (and cleaning up their mess XD)

Pandora
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 17 Jun 2005
Age: 65
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,553
Location: Townsville

03 Feb 2008, 6:44 am

AliceinOz wrote:

Most likely. Even when people directly ask for advice, they often want to hear only the words that confirm their own perspective. They don't always want the truth, even if they say they do. Makes life horribly confusing.

_________________
Break out you Western girls,
Someday soon you're gonna rule the world.
Break out you Western girls,
Hold your heads up high.
"Western Girls" - Dragon

lovebat
Sea Gull

Joined: 19 Jan 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 204
Location: Seattle, WA

03 Feb 2008, 9:18 am

I feel like the truth is that NTs lie to everyone about everything to be diplomatic. Nobody expects to be told the truth so they're not prepared for it when you do. Its sorta like on those talent tv shows like "Dancing with the Stars" how the judges never give a score lower than like a 5 or 6, even when the performance is absolutely atrocious. Give him/her a 6, not a 0. They'll get the idea.

JohnHopkins
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 19 Nov 2007
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,463

04 Feb 2008, 2:59 pm

People, just because they say they want honesty doesn't mean they want you to say 'you look like gutter trash and I've never been less attracted to you.'

You can still be honest without being devastating. Sugar coat it, as someone else said. 'I think that dress is less than flattering. It's not my favourite of your clothes.'

This is reminding me of that Scrubs episode where JD's idea of smack talk is 'Yeah? Well I hear your sister's drinking again!'

Page 1 of 1 [ 12 posts ]

Jump to:

AS and Poor Delivery of Criticism Post Reply New Topic

AS and Poor Delivery of Criticism