Boyfriend with Aspergers?

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Hi there,

I have a question regarding my boyfriend. He exhibits some behaviours that I have always thought a bit “odd” and someone recently suggested to me that it could be AS. Any thoughts or advice would be so greatly appreciated because I feel I want to help him with the difficulties his behaviour is causing, most specifically in our relationship.

He is a genuinely nice person, very witty, is honest and trustworthy, with very good morals. However he has never shown or discussed any emotion with me. The main thing that I noticed was his lack of conversational skills when he is with me. He very rarely initiates conversations, hardly ever asks about me or my life, and this leads to awkward silences unless I work hard at keeping the conversation going. Even then it seems like it doesn’t flow well. The most surprising thing is that when I mentioned this awkwardness I felt, he claimed he hadn’t ever felt awkward! Contrastingly he is very confident in conversation with his work colleagues, and seems almost like a different person.

At home he has a very structured daily routine. He is very tidy, with everything in its place and organised. If something is out of line he will put it back in the correct position. He’s keen on cleanliness but not obsessive. He lines shoes, kitchen utensils and books up He is fastidious about time keeping, being visibly distressed if he is even 10 mins late.

He has mentioned to me that he has a very acute sense of smell, and also has the tv on very low sound so that I can barely hear it. He also gets very hot easily.

He has also told me quite often, that he has a bad short-term memory but I have noticed he can recall lists of numbers surprisingly easily.

The first time we were intimate together he was very confident and initiated quite inappropriate overt sexual behaviour, which was odd considering it was the first time.

He told me he has few friends and those he does have he doesn’t discuss emotional things with.

He has almost set phrases for certain situations, both in conversation and in text messages. Sometimes he copies phrases that I have said previously.

He only ever suggests a few activities for our “dates” and is reluctant to do anything else.

He is sometimes slow to catch on to basic things I have said and takes a while to get jokes.

He has several personalities, depending on morning, evening or in the bedroom.

He is very intelligent and seemingly switched on, and can talk about many topics in depth when asked to.

He doesn’t enjoy reading books and often doesn’t respond in ways I expect.

He told me recently that he “is not good at relationships or making them work”.

Should I suggest it to him that he might have AS?

Any advice would be so much appreciated as this is putting a strain on the relationship and I'd like to help him if I can.

Thanks

Sounds like he's got a lot AS traits except the organiztion and tidyness. Most AS people I've spokent to, and myself, are not very organized or tidy.

But it might be a coping thing for him that boarders on OCD.

He might be able to talk to guys at his work better then you because he shares common interest with them. ASpies usually have an obsession or fixation on certain things. Depending on what it is, they can usually find others with similar interest.

For example, I'm into sports, stats, ect. And trust me, I can pretty much talk about that stuff with any guy. Now if interest is more abscure, like say toothpic models, might be harder to share common interst with others. But there are Aspies into gaming, art, ect, and there are lots of people with similar interest. These interest Aspies are comfortable talking with others about.

So don't exactly take it personal that he can talk to others better then you. Like a girl I was with. I could hardly sit there and talk sports with her all the time. lol

He sounds just like me............and I am obsessed with time keeping and organizing as well.

Although it is impossible to offer a diagnosis based on a list of traits, your post could have been written by my ex. All, except for the part about not enjoying reading (I do) describe how my ex and I were.

It isn't bad news for you, while it's true that your man (and I) have trouble in relationships, it's not impossible. My theory is that people with AS are less flexible with many things that pertain to other people, so we don't adjust well if somebody is outside of our comfort zone. I suspect NT people can maintain relationships better eith somewhat incompatible people due to their ability to compromise, and magically "feel" what needs to be done. I'm limited there, but I know (please don't let me be wrong!) I can handle a relationship with the right person.

Also, just because he may have AS, doesn't mean that his thoughts and interests are identical to everyone here. Read some posts, and you'll see that we're as diverse as any other subset of people. Some of us don't like to talk, others can't shut up. Some are great at math, some are fantastic artists.

Good luck!