It's Not Confidence You Need; It's...

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Monthy Python's Flying Circus.

No, it's normality (which writing, "It's...Monty Python's Flying Circus," was not an example of). The normal male is fairly self-confident, which is why self-confidence is one important aspect, but that's not the totality of it. Being too above average is almost as bad as being too below average. Even being "different" has come to mean a few discreet subcultures: the goth dressed in all black, the smug and cynical contrarian, and the shocking freak (all these things are based on rather inconsequential differences). Women have strong noses for picking up on peculiarity: Do you understand the way the world works? Even a whiff of mental imbalance or social obliviousness can send them running for the hills. Neediness and desperation are both signs of mental imbalance, which is why women find them so repulsive. A bizarre sense of humor is an even more obvious sign.

Certainly women who fancy themselves intelligent and interesting will allow for a bit of a different quality in potential mates, but they must nevertheless sense you have a solid understanding of things. In other words, they must intuit that you made a rational choice to take up an uncommon interest or hold an unpopular opinion; it cannot be the result of mental aberrancy.

With these things in mind, I have been trying to develop the ability to come across as normal. I think that more and more, as I chat with these women online and off, I am able to develop a lingua franca of friendly informality (as opposed to the aspie pedantry that serves us so poorly socially) and an apparent unconcern with the outcome (asking them out is something seemingly casually and spontaneously brought up and not labored over across many sentences or paragraphs). I try to work in bits of biographical information so that they can get to know me a little and ask them for corresponding biographical information (a matter of reciprocity). Of course, my core thinking is still as aspie as ever (highly fact-oriented and analytical), but this interface gives me a proverbial foot in the door that I would not otherwise have (although I have yet to make it to the point of getting a date).

Normality isn't really attractive. Now... being bizarre is unattractive, but that's not to say that all the normal guys get the chicks.

It's about distinguishing your image and personality from other males in a sociable way.

If talking about aesthetics, for instance, there's Mystery (famous Pick-Up Artist) that is known for wearing goggles on his head.

I commend you for thinking, though. You're on the right track with that.

- D

heh heh
i thought about trying that once, but i got too impatient. I'd rather be quirky and hilarious than come across smooth with the ladies.

I shouldn't have even written normal; it's the ideal of normal. It's coming across as possessing those qualities considered healthy, socially beneficial, and normative; perhaps the actual normal guy falls a bit short. At any rate, the woman has an idea in her mind about what a guy should be; the closer you seem to be to this, the more likely she is to become infatuated. If you clash glaringly with this for whatever reason, you don't stand a chance. (Different women also have somewhat varying ideals of man, but I think they mostly share a few things in common).

I love a bizarre sense of humour

Even if she did have this blueprint of the man she wants, it means nothing in the end. Attraction has nothing to do with the woman's personality, preferences, or conditioning... it's physiological, where it's built into her to be attracted to certain guys, and she's hopeless to fight the attraction.

And more often than not, a woman has no clue as to what really attracts her.

- D

Last edited by Dracula on 26 Mar 2008, 2:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Mystery knows his stuff, his techinques are based on a woman's sub conscious mind and her hard wired insticts.

The point about normality is a good one, but mentioning people who dress in ways to draw attention to themselves (mystery, w/ his goggles for example) is taking the point out of context.

Normality does not equal conformity.

Normality does equal being in touch with the world socially.

If you navigate yourself among other people with natural ease, then little quirks can be attractive & interesting. However, if you can't, then anything different about you will only make you look weirder in a bad way.

Uh... Yes. It does.

- D

I got a couple of problems with this topic.

First is the assumptions that women don't like novelty. Women cheat, leave their mates, and kill them for that matter just as often as males do. So as a female I don't think women are always looking for that long term guy that is normal. Normalness can get very boring for both the sexes. One of my cousins just left her husband because he was so damn boring.

I also think people in general or turned off by fakeness. If it's a mental abhorance ( I prefer neuroloigcal difference) that you think is the reason for your oddness around women than pretending your something your not is not going to get you more chicks. It will probably backfire horribly as women will probably wonder what the hell are you hiding behind? Also I find that if I hide that aspie part of myself than I cease to have what would be considered a complete personality, I become robotic. I would take a gander that other aspies will come off the same way as you can't fake your way out of something you were born with or predisposed with.

Lastly if you can't accept yourself than nobody else will. That is the most universal law when it comes to human interaction. Because again you will get people wondering why you don't like yourself to the point where they will start to rationalize all the reasons not to like you and why you are unlikeable. It's not necessarily confidance but coming to peace with yourself and those around you.

i think the idea has to do with the dreaded uncanny valley. An observation was made that we humans are attracted to things that appear to have the standard characteristics of a human being. For example the reason why Bugs Bunny is so popular is that although he doesn't look human he does exhibit human characteristics. However there is a point where something becomes just human like enough and most people feel uneasy as if "something isn't quite right" (go watch something thats been motion captured like Beowulf) like a corpse or the crude attempts at androids we've been able to make in the real world. Then the more human like a person or thing is after that glaring point the more acceptable and liked that person or thing is.

At least thats the theory, now there are exceptions where people don't have that repulse trigger but a good portion of the human population does even among Aspies and Auties. Whats even more sinister about this is the reason why a majority of humans have this instinct...

Its used to differentiate between a living person or a dead one. It also is applied to anyone who has traits that won't benefit the whole (seeking to ensure genetic diversity and is able to process multiple tasks that ensure you get food, shelter and security all at once. It also applies to people who are sick of a disease like lepersie for instance.)

Well at least thats what the NTs are wired to do. In essence if you are human but not "normal" enough you come across as acting human but aren't.