How can I comfort him?

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My bf (with Asperger's) will call me up sometimes and already be angry about something. He will vent for a while and then he becomes angry with me as if I'm saying the wrong thing which maybe I am. I have tried changing the subject and lightening the mood which he hates, I have tried agreeing with his venting but he goes 'you really don't get it do you' and I'll say yes I do and then he gets even angrier and say things like 'this conversation is going nowhere bye'. What is the best way for someone to comfort you ? I keep reading that when they are upset those with Asperger's like to be left alone but when HE calls ME what can I say to show I'm supportive and care?

Is he is reaching out and wants me to say the right thing?. Or does he just want to yell at someone and he knows I'll listen to it? Should I just refuse to talk to him when he is like that?
I know you don't know him, just looking for any advice.

Sounds like he doesn't have much of a support system set up if he vents only in your direction...

1) If he starts blaming you for some random thing, take the rational side of the argument. Oftentimes aspies that become overemotional like that are struggling to contain their own internal emotions in that sea of emotion in the real world, and being rational in your responses can help in managing.

2) If he doesn't know about wrongplanet, why not try directing him here? Then at least he could post angry messages here instead of yelling at you all the time...

Assert yourself firmly. Even if he's angry, it doesn't mean he gets to be abusive.

If he's a good guy he'll understand.

Thats sort of a hard call, sometimes when we aspies are having a little meltdown, its sort of like we have tunnel vision, it can be a little un-nerving to say the least, the best thing to do is to keep your distance, and not say anything until things cool down. When I am having a wobbly all of my anger is directed inward at myself, it maybe different for your boyfriend, keeping a level head when he's having a meltdown is the best, just speak in a calm voice, try not to show any defensiveness, but be firm at the same time, your not there for any abuse either, these blowups can be very hard on relationships, and it takes alot of patiences to give support, he really needs to tell you what support he expects from you also, since you can't read his mind. That is so cool that you are there for him and want to support and care for him.

Warning: illogical logic in use

Just say ok and stay quiet? But don't use a snotty attitude. just say it quietly/softly. ??

I dunno. My roomate does it, and I usually feel bad cause I think I've done something to hurt his feelings or I can't think of anything to say in reply. Of course, around him I say anything that comes to mind to begin with (I normally don't trust people as much). Then again, he had a friend that was aspie when he lived in europe, and probably knew a little bit about it to start with.

Or if he's not understanding something, just keep trying to explain it to him. I got upset one day because I couldn't figure out why a website was calculating something different than it was supposed to (something about houses and mortgages and loans or something, and it was calculating the loans in the mortgage box). It took literally 20 mins for me to understand(him to get the right words in my head to explain) that my roomate wasn't putting the stuff in the wrong box, but that the website had it backwards I was pretty upset while he was trying to explain it, but felt relieved when I finally understood.

If it were me you were dealing with (like if I were him) It wouldn't do anything but make me more angry if someone tried changing the subject or lightening the mood. I take it to mean that someone isn't taking what I'm trying to say seriously, which is a real issue, because I have a hard enough time explaining stuff as it is.

The "you just don't get it" ties directly into the "the conversation is going nowhere". 1. theres no reason to keep talking to someone who doesn't *seem* to understand what you're trying to say.

Try not to act so condescending. To me, the "yes I do" IMHO sounds condescending. Don't get me wrong...he might not think so, because thats him. However, all I can give you is what I've personally experienced.

I take things very literally. When I was younger, my mom would say something like "we need to get this house clean today".. I would take that to mean the EnTiRe HoUsE, when what she meant was/were the main things like bathroom, kitchen, LR, and our own bedrooms; picking stuff up and vacuuming, wiping off surfaces,laundry...I was thinking mopping, scrubbing walls, cleaning blinds, sorting through pantry...etc etc etc.
So when you say "yes I do" I find that hard to believe because you are you and can't possible understand every single thought that goes through my head during any given situation, how that affects what I do.... As a human being, you do. As me, you don't.

Of course, I have a hard time putting myself in someone else's shoes like that would require, and *I've heard* aspies in general can't do that, so thats another thing that makes it hard.

Yes, it may require you to say the right thing, unfortunately. Fortunately, that can be as simple as "ok".

I think its more likely he's calling you because he trusts you, and needs you to maybe explain something. Maybe he does want someone to listen. I don't think the angry thing is against you(from what i understood, he calls you when he's upset or angry about something..??? ..I would find it extremely hard to believe if he said it was exactly you he was angry at...obviously, that would depend on the conversation though.) Its more just an expression of how he feels about it, and has nothing to do with you (or maybe thats what venting is? ) I get upset at my roomate, for things as simple as eating my blueberry waffles (we share food expenses). They are my blueberry waffles cause I bought them. And I didn't get to have even one. Even if he said he would buy some more, I would still feel a bit upset about them. Cause they were mine. Thats just something you have to take in stride, I guess. And no, I haven't brought them up w/my roomate. I decided it isn't that big an issue (even though its still bugging me...its been 2wks...and thats another thing...)
I can't imagine any aspie purposefully trying to hurt someone (although I'm sure its been done). But some things will continue to bother him like it was yesterday, and it could be 2wks, 2mths, 2yrs since it happened. I wouldn't bring something up 2yrs later, unless it had something directly to do with what is happening at the moment, but it might still bug me.
I wouldn't treat someone differently because of it, most people probably wouldn't even remember it, but I would. Just one of those things...its there, it bugs me, but has nothing to do with me and whomever and what is happening in my life at the moment, and thus doesn't affect anything I do (at the moment).

You're going to have to determine what you want to talk about with him. Ask him to set goals for the conversation, like "i need your help figuring this out" or "I need some advice, I don't know what to do about...(thing, person, place)" I don't think it would be out of line to tell him that maybe he should gather his thoughts, and to call you back when the conversation could actually go somewhere (since he'll end up ending the conversation because its going nowhere anyways). Of course, it will probably just p*ss him off if you throw his words back at him like that...(or maybe he'll see how ridiculous he's being and stop...)

Anyways...

Those are just my thoughts on your dilemma, I don't know how much of that would work for him.

And sorry this is so long, I'm tired and my brain isn't functioning this early in the morn.

DH (with AS) and I have been married 15 years. When he is annoyed at something, sometimes he DOES need to vent. And sometimes he does need to process... so I ask him the leading questions. Did your co-worker mean to insult you in the meeting, or is he just stupid? Do you have a plan to fix the problem you found today in your work?

(Not "how will you" - because he may not know....) I learned that DH does not like to say "I don't know" - so I try not to ask a question that will require him to say 'I don't know' - it only raises his stress level. It's better to say "do you know ... " so he can answer yes or no. (BTW - I've also learned that he considers "yes" to be a correct answer to "would you like mayo or mustard on your sandwich". I used to be so confused - I was expecting either "mayo" or "mustard" or "either" - but not "yes"! although it is perfectly logical... )

Ask him if there is anything he'd like to do about it. Ask if there's anything you could do about it. Ask him what you can say. And if it seems to be going nowhere, don't try to change the subject by changing topics. State clearly, "I don't know what else I can say about this, should we discuss something else?" or "Can we talk about this later?", and he may be ready to move on - since you were clear about it.

I know I don't know what is going on in his head. But in the time we've been married, I've learned how vast that space is! If I can get him to let go of the small thing he's angry about, and help him to see it in the larger context, we have made a huge leap - and then he can usually either let it go, or figure out a solution.