Where did I go wrong?

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I know I've been posting a lot about this recently, but it's only because I am going back to school and have to see my ex again. Anyway, this is the situation:

How do you communicate something better (than I did obviously) to your partner? When I first went out with my ex, I told her up front, I don't believe in premarital sex, saying that I wanted to lose my virginity to someone I was sure (or was fairlysure) I would be with, as in being married. Yet every single time, she would pressure me for it. I would settle for a ha*djob or oral, or just plain making out, but I would never, ever want to have sex. Then one day it happened: Her pressure got to me. I finally gave in. I know, I know: I should have stood my ground, but I didn't. I didn't want her to think any less of me. It was a new thing for me, and for the time being, I liked it. At this time, I was still not over my first ex (This was about 5 months after I discovered ex #1 was cheating on me and had platonic feelings for me, not sexual feelings for me like she told me she did. I am over her now, just about).

However as time went by, I soon realized I really didn't want to be having sex. It became awkward. Part of this was because I discovered I had broken my firm commitment to be a virgin until I got married, and that hurt. Additionally, every so often, she would rub it in my face by saying things like, "If my mom asks, you STILL don't believe in premarital sex," or "look at you, you used to not believe in premarital anything; now you do premarital everything." And so on.

Additionally, we would fight. Constantly. Whether it wa about me not being over my first ex, or my prejudging people (that was the last fight), or how I lurk around, or how I follow her around like a puppy dog, etc. etc. Once, we had done it (when I still liked doing it), and I had locked her out of the room. Yet at night, she still wanted to do me. This made absolutely no sense to me at all. It was then that I started picking up on something: She wanted me just for sex. My mind had picked up on this, even though I could not yet put the thought to words. Sex became awkward, and when we finally broke up, though I still had feelings for her, she thought I was gay because I did not like having sex with her.

My question is basically:
How should I have better communicated to my partner that I didn't want to have sex before marriage?

You couldn't have.

If she was that determined to have sex, then no amount of pressure on your part could change way the she is.

So then...she was a bad fir for me to begin with? Somehow, this makes me feel better

Your story saddens me quite a bit. What a disrespectful lady.

But anyways, I'm not quite sure exactly on your wording or what the gist was of what you said, but I think the message should've been as such: that if she likes you and respects you as a person, she should respect your limits, just as she'd probably expect for herself. Efforts on her part to push you further shouldn't have been tolerated on that basis. I wish you luck in finding someone nice and understanding about your boundaries.

We're all 20

I just had to point that out

You communicated fine but she didn't respect you then you lost respect for her then she showed her true colours.

If she knew that and pushed it anyways, knowing full well you were uncomfortable, I don't think she was good enough for you. Such a person isn't worth another's time if they won't be considerate.

yeah, it wasn't your fault, you were clearly different people, and she manipulated you...and i wouldn't worry about giving in THAT much...it's impossible to resist that much pressure and temptation unless you're some kind of saint, you're human, i really would stop worrying...plus, i'm guessing the main reason you gave in because you really wanted her to like you, and sex was the only way you could cling on to her? (else you'd have to start over again with someone new, like that's ever easy!)

oh yeah...i notice you're doing that "constant looping analyzing of blame" aspie thing, ie trying to justify your actions over and over so that you can get rid of a massive feeling of guilt...well, don't feel the guilt. in this case, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG....i'm aware many aspies have had rough lives and often beat themselves up over things, and i guess we should all make a pact...."just stop, it wasn't your fault, there's nothing you could have done, stop beating yourself up, stop beating yourself up"

blimey, i'm obviously having an emotional day....x

You didn't do anything wrong, you were just with the wrong person and didn't stick to your principles enough.

Admittedly, that's rich coming from former Christian - but you should've stuck to your guns, or else, not been with her at all. If she kept pressuring you into doing something you didn't want to do, she not deserve to be your girlfriend because she didn't respect you or your beliefs enough, and was just the wrong person for you.

You did communicate it - very very clearly and repeatedly.

The thing you might have done differently might've been to break it off with her the first time she tried to push you past your boundary. The second or third time, definitely break it off. At that point the person shows no respect for you. There is a saying:

Anyone who continues trying to persuade you past when you say "no" is trying to control you.

Who wants to be 'controlled'?

It just plain was not nice how she treated you - not only pushing you past your comfort zone but verbally abusing you any time you didn't give in to what she wanted. Her comment about 'now you do everything' sounds humiliating.

A person who respects and truly cares for you WILL care about your limits and timing. They will not push you past where you are happy or comfortable. Now I'm not saying that relationships are not compromise and give and take. But on an irreversible issue like losing virginity or sexual abstinence there is no compromise. You are either comfortable or not.

If this happens again with someone else, and they are not listening, break up. If you dont want to break up, then curtail the other sexual activities. I hate to tell you but those other things you were doing were very sexual. She may have been confused by that. Abstaining from sex really means no clothing comes off. Ever. At all.

That's partly because if you do begin to do 'some' things people get hot and stop thinking.

Well, I knew they were comfortable, but I tried to draw the line at sex. And usually, we'd be making out, with our clothes ON, not doing any other "stuff." But upon hearing that advice, I'm going to refrain from removing any articles of clothing from now on

And the reason why I didn't want to lose my virginity had nothing to do with religion. I view, and I especially view it even more so now, sex as something sacred, to be shared by just two people, two people who share not only a sexual attraction, but a strong mental and emotional bond (IE, marriage).

And yeah, I'm thinking if I run into this problem again, I'm going to say "Don't you at least respect me? I know you want to do...stuff...right now, but I just goes against my values, plain and simple." And if they continue, I'm going to cut them loose. "You can't respect my values? Buh-bye."