Unorthodox ways to find romantic partners....

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Hey,

I'm trying to learn more about ways to find more potential romantic partners. I'm looking for ways that are...atypical.

I know exactly the sort of girl I want, and have searched sites (social networking, forums, etc.) that play to such people, as well as naturally doing all I can in the real world. But it's quite difficult.

I've spoken about this before, but...in essence, I want a compassionate, attractive goth girl who is in my age range, and isn't already in a relationship. Naturally, I have far more wants than just this (my fetish for blood red hair, for example), but you'd be surprised how difficult it is to find even just that, especially in real life: most goth girls I know are far older than me, already very happy in a relationship (often the kind where it's not considered appropriate for some guy to approach them), or both. Scouring the internet has proved difficult as well, since even in other parts of the world, the most attractive goth girls are always taken, or are incredibly bitchy...or just not interested in me.

But I don't really find anyone but the most attractive to my liking.

I must stress how important it is to me to find a real relationship, where I'm not settling for someone but really am into her. I don't expect perfection but...you know me. I'm picky. >.>

I go to a local goth club almost every week, to no avail. (Concerts, too, have proven fruitless--though it's not like I go to them specifically to look for girls.) I have endlessly searched the internet--myspace, vampirefreaks, gothic dating sites, message boards, etc. I understand that the internet is vast and ever-changing, as is the real-life social landscape, and that there are always more waters to swim through...but I feel like there's something else I SHOULD be doing but I don't know what.

So does anyone know of anything else I can do to continue searching? I'm looking for unorthodox and lesser known ways, not off the shelf methods.


UPDATE: if you're just going to tell me that I shouldn't be so concerned with the goth thing, then don't bother saying anything. I can't help what I'm attracted to and if you don't know anything about the gothic subculture beyond the media stereotype, you wouldn't understand it. It's more than just an appearance, though that's certainly part of it because I'm so hopelessly attracted to the gothic look. But it's an entire subculture, one that operates differently from others. So please, give me actual suggestions rather than criticizing what I'm attracted to.

Last edited by Veresae on 14 May 2008, 8:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You might try searching for a more contemporary girl you click with, then try to get her into gothiness. The one thing I've noticed about many younger women especially is how quickly they will change their entire identity to suit their boyfriend.

Of course this was always frustrating to me because I am most attracted to the all natural look. You know, the type that avoids tanning beds and basting their skin in the sun for hours at a time, never dye their hair (color irrelevant as long as it was natural, and you can always tell because natural hair has a shine and softness to it than can never be recovered unless they pull a Britney and let it grow back), little if any make-up, no tattoos or piercings (I don't mind pierced earlobes though because that is traditional), etc. The body-mod trend has always seemed really fake, superficial and conformist to me. Then again aspies aren't fond of change, and I'm pretty extreme in that category. Anyway, to each their own.

The frustrating thing as what even when I would meet girls that fit the bill though, they would become interested in some guy into the above and the next thing I knew they had an eye brow ring or something similar.

I would agree with lovablenerd, I think your goth obsession is hindering you when you make it a make or break requirement for potential girls.

And it's not surprising that most goth girls you meet are older than you- it was kind of a before-your-time movement, wasn't it? I remember when I was a freshman the last of the goth kids were graduating high school, and I'm two years older than you.

Well it sounds like you have tried many ways of finding your ideal goth girlfriend. I agree with both feedbacks espeacially with ford prefects kid. I remember it being real in in Highschool they just didn't call them emos. It's been around for quite a while.

As for that perfect goth look and personality, I don't think there is such a thing as perfect in general or we'd all be happy. You might want to try dating a girl you just find attractive who shares some of the same interests that you do besides just dressing up goth. The aesthetics of goth are easy to find on people so I don't know exactly what you mean by a perfect goth. I find many young girls wearing goth. Like ford prefects kid said this very ideal goth mate of yours might be hindering from any real relationship. Just try to find a girl who shares some of the same interests as you like goth.

Hard to find, but how about local courses for dressmaking? Here those would be at citizen academies or labour academies (same thing but different political history) - you might have something similar.

You see, many goth girls like to make their own clothing.

I don't like that idea at all. By and large, if a girl's not in a subculture then expecting her to get into it is expecting her to be untrue to herself.



Don't assume such thoughts haven't occured to me. Believe me, I really wish that I wasn't so into the goth thing but we can't help what we're obsesed with or what we're attracted to. I'm obsessed with the subculture and its visuals, its music, its overall style, and it takes a lot for a girl who isn't gothic to be attracted to me. I'm just so into that look with the pale with dark eye make up and black lipstick, with the black Victorian-era dresses with corsets.

More to the point, I have things in common with some goth girls that I don't have with anyone else, because there are so many things that I love that are loved almost exclusively by goth girls. It's not just about appearances. It's a cultural thing.

Goth is not a before-my-time movement, actually. Goth STARTED in the late '70's or so, yes, but goth is just as strong, if not stronger, nowadays. It's branched out into many different subgroups. While "pure goth rock" like Bauhaus and The Cure has very much passed its time, I don't like that style of goth anyway.

Come to think of it, I live in your area. In Berkely and the Eat Bay Area in general, young goths aren't particularly common. But in other parts of the world it's not so. Europe--Germany in particular--is full of them, but there are plenty in America as well. If you want proof of that, just look at how many VampireFreaks members there are under the age of 25. Many, many, many. Goth is still very big indeed.



Emos have nothing to do with it. Completely different subculture. Emo girls don't interest me at all.



I don't look for perfection by any means. I do have a VERY detailed idea of the perfect girl and I never expect to find her, though I obsess about her to no end. For me, just narrowing it down to what I have in my opening post is very much settling, even if it doesn't seem like it.

And it's hard to try dating a non-gothic girl I just find attractive and have things in common with when virtually all girls who fit that description ARE gothic.



I'm not into dressmaking and would probably find it a great waste of time to take such a class (especially given how few goths there are my age here, again), but I thank you for being the first person to actually give me a real suggestion as to how to find someone. I want suggestions on how to find someone, people--I didn't post this for comments on the goth thing. I've already had past posts about that!

Veresae- have you ever seen the perfect girl before? Like is your perfect girl a compilation of wants or is she similar to someone you have seen?

I was wondering do you have a profile on vampire freaks WITH a good picture, preferably with the gothic makeup? And then post around so people can see you. That might work since the girls are likely to send messages to people they think are attractive, you know, let them seek you out?

Of course I haven't seen anyone who's been perfect. Perfection isn't, in my view, particularly possible. XD Now, some have come closer than others appearance wise--and oftentimes not personality wise, and vice versa. Those incredibly rare souls who are sorta semi close-ish in both ways? I've yet to meet one that was reachable...always taken, and with so many friends already. I've said it before and I'll say it again: if a girl is very attractive and very nice, chances are she already has a lot of friends, because she's not going to be bitchy to all the people who come over to her, attracted to her beauty, and so their friend list steadily increases.

I do have a VF profile. I don't wear make up though. I can't stand wearing any make up due to my sensory defensiveness. As for my pictures there, they're the same ones on my myspace. I have gotten positive comments on VF about my pictures, but never from girls I find attractive. I do post around to a certain extent, but I really hate a lot of the people on the forums so I don't hang out there much, hah. I search random profiles, occasionally commenting.

Take a German language class until you reach conversational level, apply for a yearlong cultural visa to Germany to practice your German, enter a German University, apply for a work visa once you finish the degree... all the while immersing yourself in Goth culture.
I don't know anything about German immigration policies but you can adjust this outline as you go along should you choose to accept this mission.

But that's just what I would do in your situation, I don't know if your willing to do something so drastic.

Hah, well I certainly thank you for the recommendation, but no, I don't believe I'd want that. I'm not sure I'd want to move to Germany...the economy still hasn't become stable enough (after it switched to the Euro everything got out of whack). Besides, I'm a writer. I write in English. It wouldn't make sense for me to live in Germany, and then publish books in English in it!

Besides, I tend to get along best with French and Swedish goth girls (though French goth girls are rarer than you'd think, unfortunately).

Don't assume I'm assuming. No, I'm currently in Berkeley... but I grew up in Los Angeles county. For the U. S., I think it's still kind of a higher center for "goth activity" I suppose. And I'm not criticizing your attraction...I completely understand it. I have my own soft spot for the goth kids. Growing up in socal, around 12-13 I was absolutely ashamed of the fact that i was anti-social and naturally pale with dark eyes/lips/and hair. It was those older goth girls that said, "Hey, you're pretty cool! you look awesome! Here, watch these movies and read these comics- you will like them." And I did. And now I kinda like the fact that I'm pale. And my first boyfriend kinda had a thing for goth girls, and ended up liking me because of my personality/interests/appearance sort of matched his attraction- but I would never have labeled myself "goth" or signed up for any gothic social networks.

Anywho.... point being... there just might be a girl who shares your more unusual interests without having thought to label herself in that way. I can't say for sure, because you haven't actually stated what these interests are... just that you seem to believe that they are unlikely to be shown by anyone outside of your chosen subculture.

Is it the morbid streak? You've mentioned you're a writer. Many writers have one of these, perhaps you might find someone who shares one in an upper division creative writing course of some kind. Is there a particular band that you feel especially close to, on a musical and emotional level? Maybe there is an online forum just for that band, where you might meet some girls who relate to it the same way as you, but haven't made a profile on vampire freaks.

I think you're also underestimating the gratification that comes from opening your significant other's eyes to something you like that they had never heard of. Not saying a girl will like everything you show her, but Danny Elfman is still my favorite singer because my first boyfriend helped me connect TNBC to the band Oingo Boingo. Just because I wasn't into him before, doesn't mean my absolute love of everything Danny was being "untrue" to myself.

Since I look for specific types of people, I always try various online sources, because you can filter out who you don't want.

It's still isn't 100% foolproof, since I still attract people who are still stuck in the dark ages. I am very liberal politically and socially.

Many people who have the same interests and beliefs as me could be classified as "hipsters", although I personally don't want to be labeled as such.

Ah. Well, when you really look at it...there aren't too many centers for "goth activity." Goths are scattered...always have been. There are more in my area than there are in some, it just doesn't seem like it I guess.



That is a good point. I haven't found too many people who are into all the same things as me that didn't identify with goths in some way, however.

I find it hard to narrow down all the interests and what not. It's very wide, ranging from my general taste in music (I like many bands that tons of goth girls love but aren't actually gothic--i.e. Evanescence, Marilyn Manson, Cradle of Filth, Dir en grey, Emilie Autumn, Rammstein, SlipKnot, She Wants Revenge, Within Temptation, The Birthday Massacre, etc. etc. etc.), to my taste in film, artwork, fiction, etc. (all of which is fairly important to me--more than it should be I guess), to my dislike of religion, to my love of vampires and succubi and what not. When I'm talking to an intelligent goth girl, they're more likely to know what I'm talking about when I talk about succubi, or JTHM, or The Sandman, or when I'm making fun of tentacle rape hentai. Goth girls usually don't lump emo and goth together, something I see people doing all the time, and it really ticks me off because the people doing the lumping have minimal of understanding of the two subcultures, which are very different when you look at their intricacies. Goth girls are more likely to be bisexual, and this may not seem important but most of the girls with personalities I find attractive are, well, bisexual. Goth girls are more likely to be both masculine and feminine at once, and to be unafraid of being both romantic and sexual at the same time. They're less likely to be religious (I do not think I could date a particularly religious person).

Also, I have to admit that a great deal of it is about appearances. Again, if someone doesn't have the goth girl look, I'm much less likely to find them attractive, and even if I do I may end up thinking, "Hmm, I wonder how they'd look as a goth girl." You know what I mean? I have an icky obsessiveness with that appearance. It should never be the most important thing, for personality means so much more, but it's rare for me to feel any attraction to a "normal" looking girl.

Yet, there are also tendencies among goth girls that I do not find attractive. I hate smokers and couldn't date one; many goths smoke. (Ditto for drugs like pot and what not.) I do not like girls who are cold, or apathetic, or bitchy; it's not uncommon for goth girls to be just that, even though plenty of them are nice. If a girl is particularly obese I do not find her attractive; many goth girls are very obese indeed. Also, I don't find it attractive if someone is suicidal, or masochistic, and I absolutely loath BDSM, which is extremely popular among goth girls.

So, I don't think I'd want a completely stereotypical goth girl. I think what I want is a girl who has the gothic look and gothic interests, and identified with being a goth, but also had major geeky elements to her personality. Someone who, like me, was essentially a geek for gothic things--but, unlike me, didn't have sensory issues preventing her from fully attaining the right look.



I thank you for these suggestions. I have done a little bit of band message board browsing, but I should do it more. As for writing courses, erm, I don't expect to find anyone there. Not too many goth girls are at my school, which was awfully disappointing because Anne Rice, every goth girl's favorite author, went here.



This is another very good point.

Still, most of the people I know in real life are just into totally different things, into totally different subcultures, liking very different music (mostly pop and hip hop, ew) and finding very different things attractive (brightly colored clothing and tan skin and what not), having different memes I wouldn't understand, having optimistic attitudes I don't agree with, being oh-so-religious, loving the sunshine, perhaps being open minded and liking some things that I like, but also loving so many things that I hate and having so many beliefs that I disagree with that I couldn't be anything more than friends with them. It's not just about what I like, it's about what I don't like...that really is the worst of it. >.< I'm not arguing, though...just saying it's not that simple.

Do you mean goth by dress or by personality?

used to dress up and have purple hair and stuff... but since having to have a real job and whatnot... kinda puts a damper on the perma style.

you might have better luck with nongoths (on the everyday basis) that like to dress up every once in a while for special events or somethin.

I've read about your preferences and I find it very disappointing that we live on opposite sides of the world.