Advice please

Post Reply New Topic

Okay, I'll just put this simply. I feeling a little close to a meltdown right now and of course that means I can't think rationally...
So I had a date yesterday with a co-worker, as far as I know, it went very well. She told me she had a good time without me even asking her and was interested in doing something else again.
Now today I worked with her... we kept things pretty normal. We were getting off at the same time and I casually suggested we get dinner, but she had other plans which wasn't a big deal...

Thing is... I overheard her talking about the date with another co-worker and she was asked if "she could fall in love with me" and she said "no". No hesitation, just straight up NO, like she had already made up her mind.
No , my hearing wasn't off... that was exactly what I heard.

I don't know what to think right now... Why is she bothering to go out with me then?

I wanted to confront her... but just couldn't quite do it.
I waited with her outside work and tried to question if she really did want to go out again... No, she still wants to.
I tried to give her a chance to get out of this if she didn't want to hang out with me, but she didn't take it.

and now she messaged me, thinking I am mad at her... which I kind of am...
So I don't know how to respond right now because in this state I am likely to do something stupid.

So how should I respond?

uhm...maybe she likes you, thinks you are totally awesome and loves hanging out with you, but nothing more...maybe she just felt pressure from the other coworker and didn't want to admitt anything too soon...maybe you are over reacting a bit and should just see what happens...maybe you are right on and should be mad at her. I don't really know. I think the best way to handle the situation is to keep it calm and civil - tension in the office is not something anyone should deal with.

Woman tend to like leading men on as a self esteem thing. If they have men hanging off them and giving them attention it makes them feel better about themselves. This could be the case here.

It seems you know the deal from what you overheard at work. So I wouldn't get to serious about her, she might only see you as a friend, you also don't want to mess up your work relationship with her.

If I were you I'd keep dating her for experience and you never know where things will lead, she may decide she likes you in the long run, BUT UNTIL THEN DON'T EVEN CONSIDER HER!! !

Just txt her back saying you are ok and don't say anything stupid.

I"m no relationship expert. I have only my experience. Women usually see me as just a friend, not a romantic partner. I still don't quite understand why women like having guys as friends so much, but they do. When I am friends with a woman I enjoy all the benefits of friendship (hang out, nice to each other, flirting), no sex though. It's hard to accept, but sometimes you have to accept it. At other times, you can successfully convince the girl that you are worth being in a relationship. I have done this a couple of times, but it took a lot of work on my part. I simply showed her how good of a mate I could be and let her know I was still interested. From what you say, it sounds like it is too early to tell. I don't know what you should do, but I know one thing you shouldn't do: get mad because the girl has feelings you don't like. She can't help how she feels, and it sounds like she genuine wants to be friends. I have lost some good female friends because friendship was not enough. Friendship is always good whether a romance develops or not.

^ good advice.

I've seen some really unattractive guys get with really hot woman. All the did was keep persisting.

Once she becomes your friend and likes you for who you are, she may see past superficial reasons for not liking you.

Lots of possibilities. How close was her relationship with this other girl. If they are just "pretend work friends", she may have felt like it was none of the girls business and not wanted to hear her thoughts on the subject. "NO" pretty much ends that crap.

She may also not know herself how she is going to feel about you in the future...even if she thinks she does. Some times I knew right away that I was interested in someone romanticaly and sometimes I was wrong and feel for someone after getting to know them better...which is much better because it meant I began liking them for who I found out they were rather then wwho I thought they were or only on their appearance.

She may also just enjoy your company and a free dinner or some one to hang out with..many NT's would rather be with anyone then "only" themselves. If you two are compatable though,, this could change with time.

You could bring it up and alienate and embarass her or just take things one day at a time and see if her feelings for you grow.

BY the way...Do you know her well enough to know that you will become romantically inclined with her? It's not just about attraction or linking a few things about someone, there needs to be some compatability of interests and temperment and only time can really show if those are there. IMO

Dammit, I don't like this. Why should I say I'm just ok when I'm not?...
Right now it's hard for me to see going out with her again... It's going to weird for me now.
And yes I know I shouldn't create an unfavorable situation at work...

I want to be honest with myself and her... but I guess it's just not the right thing to do right now.

We don't have anything set for our next outing, so maybe I'll just let things slide for a bit until this passes.

Krex has a point, but given the way you're reacting, I think it might be better to be up front with her.

If you try to "let it slide", you'll just be resentful and bitter, and that will come out in unattractive ways that will repel her anyway.

I think you should ask her about it, but be calm and respectful, not angry and hostile.

It's a lot to explain on a txt message right now... which they way we've been communicating.
I told her I'd be okay, sorry to worry her. I asked if she just wanted to be friends.

I like her and I don't want to screw this up... It would still be great to have her as a friend. I just hope I haven't messed things up because of this. I wish I hadn't heard that thing....

Alright, I think we're going to be okay now. She says we are friends and will hang out again soon.
Maybe if she asks about I'll explain... otherwise perhaps I should forget it.

A lot of women like to have a lot of friends, even males, and they are not nearly as driven by sex as men are. Most of us cannot see how being just friends can drive a man nuts. They are thinking, We're having a good time, what's the problem?

Sounds to me like your data set is insufficient to form a conclusion.

I ain't claiming to know much about the logistics of romantic relationships, but I've observed a lot of workplace politics and gossip. If she had told her co-worker that she thought she could fall in love with you, she'd be starring in every conversation around your workplace for god knows how long.

I wouldn't blame her if she didn't feel like going through that. If she feels like her personal life is her own business, I wouldn't blame her for that.

Zara, I realize you're an aspie, I'm an aspie too, but c'mon. As I recall, you went out with her one time, and it seems evident that you both enjoyed each other's company. Demanding an immediate answer from her about whether she's going to fall in love with you in the future seems a bit premature.

Emotions in these matters are often pretty complex, and it's very likely she isn't sure about how she feels herself. Creating a high pressure environment for her would seem more likely to generate negative feelings about your company.

Jeez, man, you're an aspie guy and some female feels comfortable around you, enjoys your company, has a good time, likes being with you. Do you have any idea what an accomplishment that is? Of course you do.

Demanding an immediate response is a challenge likely to provoke a defensive response, that is, a negative response.

I'd say pretend you never heard what you heard because she was put on the spot in a dangerous situation and she gave a safe answer, which doesn't mean much.

Use that aspie brain. If you got a good thing going, maintain the status quo.

Sorry for the double post, but I wanted to add:

From the information you've provided, it's absolutely certain that she wants to keep you in her life.

That's an important piece of data.