I'm obsessed with a woman, think she feels pity of me...

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Hi,

Last year my parents were able to pay me a treatment for my teeth, for the first time in almost 10 years. I don't need to say that, but some teeth were in a very bad condition, so I need to make a very expensive treatment, that lasted almost nine months!

The good part of all, is the fact that my new dentist is a hot woman, like I never met before, since women are not part of my life. She appears to be a little older than me (maybe 40), is beautiful, mature, have nice body and great mind, and a big heart too.

In all that time we, i think, became friends. She was having a bad time in her marriage, and maybe just by that reason, talk a lot to me about her life and problems. I did the same, talked about me, but not about my mental problems, of course.

In that process, I became obsessed with her, in love maybe, and thought about her every minute. For the first time in my life I give flowers, presents, say that I miss her, call her for a date, but nothing works. One day, when I was really bad, I almost begged her to keep seeing me, and she said I can go there (in her doctor’s office) whenever I want.

One strange think is she provokes me, say I'm a interesting guy, special to her, etc. But, when I try to say this same kind of stuff, she do not reply, stop the conversation and start talking about any other matter. This makes me think that she have a lot of pity of me, that sometimes she says good words just because that.

I still talk to her by instant messaging, and this makes this worst, since my obsession do not fade, and I know it will stand for a long time.

Did you had similar situations in your lifes? And how do you cope with that?

Thanks, and sorry for my english.

You need to stop. It will be hard, very hard, but you need to stop. I don't know how you will do it, but you must. Maybe someone here who has done the same can tell you how they stopped.
Maybe lots of exercise, trying to substitute another obsession, changing your daily schedule, visiting other people, going on a long vacation etc will help.



Your English is beautiful.

I stopped. I don't quite remember how I did it, but I managed once to stop obsessing about someone.

I told myself over and over again that feeling this way was not doing anyone any good. That being in love was one thing, but thinking of nothing else was hurtful for me and likely to scare him away. I stopped seeing him for two weeks and did nothing but cry. I didn't eat much at all, and I lost five pounds. Some days I couldn't sleep, and other days I did nothing but lie in bed. It was awful. But at the end of it, I found that I'd stopped needing to think of him every moment of the day, and felt it would still be fine if he didn't want me.

We still see each other and I still love him, but I no longer care much whether he's my boyfriend or not as long as we remain friends.

She sounds like a wonderful person. The big problem is that she's unavailable. She may have had problems with her marriage, but the fact remains that she is married, so even if you could get her romantically interested, you won't want the result. I know it's difficult to sort out how much of our perception of another's interest is really wishful thinking on our part. That's part of the one sidedness of our conversations, etc. At times we need to step back and see if the other person really is showing interest. Other people don't see our value unless we make them work for it a little. You can set a TV out with a "free" sign on it an it will sit there ignored for months. Put a sign that say "$5" and someone will steal it, or so I've been told.

The only way I have ever gotten over my obsession for a woman is to become obsessed with another woman. No, the obsession over the old girl never completely goes away, and any kind of contact or reminders can bring it back when you least expect it.... but as long as you are obsessing about the new girl, you won't think about the old one.

The problem for me is the fact I don't know for sure how to play this game, since I never did it.

Some of my NT's friends say that women are like this, they loved to be desired, to be in control, even when they dont' have interest in you. Since I never had nothing like that before, I'm very confused and, at the same time, don't want to bother that woman life, because I respect her a lot (she was very nice with me and did a wonderful job in my teeth).

Beside that, my obsessions sometimes remains for years, and the possibility that I met someone to replace her in my mind is remote. And thats not the only problem, the fact the I failed again, trying to have a relation, will make me feel depressed for a long time.

Bye.

p.s. lelia, thank you for your kind words!

Pega uma aviao e vai para Recife, Natal, Teresina, Belem, Manaus ou Fortaleza por dua semanas e finge que estava sempre procurado para as garotas. Procura algumas bailes e festa para curtir. Isso vai descansar sua mente e vai ter mais recursos mentais para enfrentar seus problems depois. Seu apelido significa "sem valor", ne? Porque nao muda-o? Quando os homens do Norte/Nordeste foi para Sao Paulo para ganhar dinheiro, eles deixarem as mulheres esperando voce!



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Grab a plane and visit Recife, Natal, Teresina, Belem, Manaus or Fortaleza for a couple of weeks and pretend you were always popular with women. Find some dances or parties to enjoy. This will rest your mind and you will have more energy to solve your problems when you get back home. Your nick (Doutor Zero) means "worthless" if I understand Brazilian slang correctly. Why don't you change it? When the men from the North/Northeast went to Sao Paulo to earn a paycheck, they left an ample supply of eligible and available women just waiting for you!

Cara, se tudo fosse tão fácil como você pensa... Desculpe, mas acho que você deve ser NT, porque pensar que alguém com graves problemas mentais (talvez Asperger), que não trabalha há mais de 10 anos, pode simplesmente pegar um avião e ir em bailes no Nordeste atrás de vadias é algo simplista e absurdo.

Doutor Zero é um vilão de um anime, muito popular aqui no Brasil quando eu era criança. Não significa necessariamente perdedor, até porque até onde eu sei não existe essa gíria.



Man, if everything was so simple like you think... Sorry, but for me you appears to be a NT, since your ideas of a person with mental problems (maybe Asperger), that not work for more than 10 years, getting a plane from the Southeast to the Northeast, going in parties just to f**k stupid b*****s, are far from real.

Doctor Zero was a villain from a popular anime here Brasil, in the 70's. It's not mean a loser or something like that, AFAIK.

Bye.

Last edited by dr-zero on 25 May 2008, 6:47 am, edited 1 time in total.

Maybe I have a special kind of Aspergers that disappears South of the Equator. Actually, the psychologist that diagnosed me thinks I may be able to fool some people with an ability to memorize "programmed" responses to more and more situations. I can't leave the ground with females here in the US. The ones in Brazil call me "como robo" (like a robot) and find it interesting.

I've always said, the best cure for a man is another man.

I've had my heart broken too, but I've always gotten back out there and eventually met someone new. It's the most effective way to get over someone.

you are suggesting homosexuality as solution? :O well it's not that easy , sexuality can't be really changed.

hee, hee

For NT people is easy, they know a lot of people and can jump from one relation to another without too much trouble. For me is impossible, since this is the second girl i liked (and met) in more than 8 years.

And I'm not even close to be a gay, every day I love the women more and more...

LPP is kidding, Dr. Z. I'm not suggesting you go gay, I'm suggesting you try to meet another woman.

Sadly, the only thing i can say is that my only method to handle this previously is the same method LovableNerd uses.
Thus searching another women to fixate on.

Problem is; this is a horrible way as it will just cause problems in the long run.