Telling her I like her but without risking the friendship

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pbcoll
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18 Jul 2008, 7:44 pm

Butterflair wrote:
A true friend will be honored to know that you have love for them.


Not in my experience. Her reaction was first shock, then (I'm paraphrasing and summarising rather than quoting her exact answers) 'So you faked the friendship and were good to me just to ask me out?' Erm... no. I became her friend because I liked her, afterwards I developed other feelings for her. I certainly had no intention of asking her out when I first befriended her. Then 'Why on earth did you tell me?' Well, I didn't want to have it bottled up indefinitely, even though I knew she would say no. Besides, I felt it was dishonest to continue hiding it (and told her so). Then 'Did I do anything to make you think I'd say yes? I don't think I did.' No, rationally I knew it was hopeless. Finally, 'OK, I guess it's not your fault, it's nobody's fault,' yet she nearly broke off all contact with me for a while, we're still more or less friends but the friendship never fully recovered.


Butterflair wrote:
Anyway, it's never wrong to tell someone you love them. It's wrong to let time slip by and lose them without ever letting your feelings be known.


'La verdad no peca, pero incomoda.' - 'Truth doesn't sin, but it does create awkwardness.' There is certainly nothing morally wrong with telling her how he feels, but that doesn't mean it's wise.


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18 Jul 2008, 10:04 pm

Butterflair wrote:
I have the opposite problem. I believe in being honest. If you love someone just tell them. It's such a simple thing to say and even if they don't share your feelings, it doesn't make your feelings for them any less important. Life is too short to hold back and wish you would have told someone how much you care for them. A true friend will be honored to know that you have love for them.


Unfortunately I didn't read that before I posted.

Love.......? LOVE??? LOVE????!

Love has nothing to do with it. You don't know that you love them until you've been with them long enough in a relationship as such as that to fully admit that you love them, and even then, it may not be love, which you think, but lust. A true friend would not be honored. If i were to go up and tell my friend who I mentioned in my last post, the girl who came over and talked for two hours, that I loved her, because I liked her a lot and so forth, that would not be a good thing, and be considered........well.........awkward in all points. I agree as well with what Pb said. He's right on the rain with that, even if it meant that his friendship with this girl that he liked, ended up on the rocks because of that.

Emotions are a powerful thing people, remember that. You can't go charging down the main street of life in the center lane hoping to make a connection like that. It doesn't work. trust me, I know. and I'm a former AS as well.


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18 Jul 2008, 10:08 pm

^^^

why do you keep mentioning how you're a "former AS" in all these threads and thus "understand" these things?

i think that's tacky and cheapens anything of value you have to say...


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Butterflair
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19 Jul 2008, 10:26 pm

Being female myself, I've never been insulted by anyone who told me they liked me or loved me. I was flattered by the comment even if I couldn't share the feelings and I never turned my back on anyone. Not if they were really my friend.

I'm very aware of the strength of emotions. I swim in them every single day. It's been my part of my life experience to know that loving someone and telling them is never wrong. I'll always believe that and it's something I live by. Relationships have to start somewhere and the best ones start as friends so being accused of faking a friendship is just stupid.


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pbcoll
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20 Jul 2008, 6:50 pm

Butterflair wrote:
Being female myself, I've never been insulted by anyone who told me they liked me or loved me. I was flattered by the comment even if I couldn't share the feelings and I never turned my back on anyone. Not if they were really my friend.


I suspect you're in the minority, and most women would, if they didn't feel the same way, react more like my friend did.

Butterflair wrote:
It's been my part of my life experience to know that loving someone and telling them is never wrong. I'll always believe that and it's something I live by.


I strongly agree that it's not morally wrong to tell them, if anything it's more honest, but it can still be a mistake in that you might end up still single and one friend poorer as a result.

Butterflair wrote:
Relationships have to start somewhere and the best ones start as friends so being accused of faking a friendship is just stupid.


Probably true, but the accusations are still made.


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SIXLUCY
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20 Jul 2008, 7:29 pm

I dont like to admitt it but Ive seeked to be liked. My real Dad died when I was a baby and my stepdad was an arsehole. All I ever wanted was for him to accept and like me but in a different way.
Oh well, like they say 'you dont miss what you never had'



Kindern
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20 Jul 2008, 8:46 pm

i can ony redirect you to my experience.... read my posts in http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt59842.html



that should link there right?



Butterflair
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20 Jul 2008, 10:35 pm

I've thought more about this and though I still believe what I said... I'm wondering if maybe the reason I feel so strongly about it is because of my age. I suppose in your 20's things like that seem so important and when you reach your 40's you realize that as you lose people in your life there are things left unsaid and regrets for those things.

It's like finding out 10 years after High School that someone had a crush on you. "Well why didn't you tell me".

Kindern, I read your experience and I don't think you did anything wrong, I think your friend wasn't treating you right and you got a raw deal.

I've told my friend, as often as I can that I love him and care about him knowing that his feelings aren't the same. He accepts them and lets me be me. I accept him and still have hope that one day he'll see me as more than that. Should he turn his back on me one day, I'll know that at least I shared my feelings and I didn't live with a "what if", I took a chance.


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21 Jul 2008, 6:58 am

Well, that's actually happened to me before. One of my guy friends was/is basically in love with me and he told me. We have had a screwed up relationship since then, but only because he kept pressuring me into liking him and going out with him, and wouldn't take no for an answer. I'd say you should probably tell her, just don't make her feel pressured or anything. (She might already be able to tell). That was where my friend went wrong I think. I'm glad he told me (it was already obvious anyway though), but then he still kept trying to hold my hand and stuff even though I told him I was confused and didn't know how I felt about him, and bothering me about it. Just make sure the way you tell her isn't too "intimate" if you know what I mean. More recently I was just casually talking to another guy friend online and he told me "That he would date me :wink: " and it wasn't all that weird to me. I'm not saying it would necessarily be the same for you and her cause people and their situations are different, but yeah. He lives kinda far from me too, and I've really only talked to him online, and never even met him. (I know that sounds weird and creepy, but he's a friend of a friend and she introduced us on the phone). So yeah. If it comes up and there is a good time, just tell her. Or even say something to "imply" it. If she's not dumb, she should catch on.


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TutuFairy
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21 Jul 2008, 7:08 am

Well, that's actually happened to me before. One of my guy friends was/is basically in love with me and he told me. We have had a screwed up relationship since then, but only because he kept pressuring me into liking him and going out with him, and wouldn't take no for an answer. I'd say you should probably tell her, just don't make her feel pressured or anything. (She might already be able to tell). That was where my friend went wrong I think. I'm glad he told me (it was already obvious anyway though), but then he still kept trying to hold my hand and stuff even though I told him I was confused and didn't know how I felt about him, and bothering me about it.


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