I'm constantly trying to get "out" of relationship

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aspiewoman2
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23 Jul 2008, 6:10 pm

I must be insane. I have a wonderful, caring, understanding husband who not only understands my aspie traits, but appreciates many of them. We have two wonderful children. But, I don't get it. Why does he love me? Is he eventually going to leave because of my aspie traits? Will he get tired of me? I loves me unconditionally, but I have little understanding of that concept except with my children. I'm almost detached. Is there something wrong with me? Is this normal for an aspie??

I had a horrible childhood, teenage yrs were worse. And, my first marriage ended in divorce after he cheated and left me. Maybe I just don't trust. I don't know...help :cry:



MisterHeron
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23 Jul 2008, 6:19 pm

aspiewoman2 wrote:
I must be insane. I have a wonderful, caring, understanding husband who not only understands my aspie traits, but appreciates many of them. We have two wonderful children. But, I don't get it. Why does he love me? Is he eventually going to leave because of my aspie traits? Will he get tired of me? I loves me unconditionally, but I have little understanding of that concept except with my children. I'm almost detached. Is there something wrong with me? Is this normal for an aspie??

I had a horrible childhood, teenage yrs were worse. And, my first marriage ended in divorce after he cheated and left me. Maybe I just don't trust. I don't know...help :cry:

My advice would be to talk to him about it, and seek professional help. Just explain the situation, and how insecure you feel. If you don't deal with it now, it will only get worse, because should he not know, and you express this frustration without him knowing the cause, it could only compound the issues.



aspiewoman2
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23 Jul 2008, 6:38 pm

He is aware of my insecurities and perfectly aware of my "you make me uncomfortable" point of view. This is what I don't get...I love this man, but I can't bring myself to tell him. It's fear I think....I've never been loved like this in life.



Jeyradan
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23 Jul 2008, 6:51 pm

I felt like this with people in general (not necessarily just relationships) for a very long time - and it cost me. Understanding how I felt took years; I still cannot properly define exactly why ("I've lost friends before," "I have Asperger's," "I don't know what people are really thinking" are all good, but don't encompass the whole truth).
Overcoming the problem is even harder. Finding people who make it easier to trust them helps a lot, be they friends or professionals or (perhaps not in your case, since you're married and have children) relationships. Agreeing to total honesty helps - it's very hard to do, especially at first, but though it might hurt both to be honest about things you normally wouldn't say and to hear honest things, it is never a bad thing if both of you really do love one another. It's not just about "not lying" - it's about actively saying true things you would otherwise keep to yourself. Guidance from a professional can really help. You might also try something individually, like counselling in how to decode the signals other people send (tones of voice, body language, subtle hints, and so on).
I never sought any help for the problem, but I would nevertheless recommend it to others. It's still difficult for me to believe "good people" like me, and all I can vouch for on a personal basis is that "free play" of total honesty with the people whom you find easiest to trust. You'll hear their sincerity. It's not always the easiest way, but it has made a difference.

Edited: for grammar, and to add:

Gamester is absolutely right (well worded!) about the feeling of "never having had something this good in your life, and not knowing if it is truly real" [paraphrased]. That is precisely the feeling to which I was referring when I suggested total honesty - not only will you be able to air your anxieties, but it will give him the chance to express to you how he feels without needing to be embarrassed or awkward - in fact, "coming clean" pretty much mandates that you tell one another how you feel without all the tap-dancing and worry and all that... junk. There will be difficulty, and there will be abject nervousness in the moments between saying what you feel and getting a response, but it is a relief.
A final note: with regards to that feeling, with which I'm intimately familiar, it doesn't completely go away - or perhaps it just takes longer than I've had so far in life to try - but the longer you spend being as completely open as you can manage, the less you feel it. (Or at least... I do.)



Last edited by Jeyradan on 23 Jul 2008, 8:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Gamester
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23 Jul 2008, 7:26 pm

I think and I'm going to agree with the House Fan(Yea for HOUSE!) that you should come clean.

Though, I think mainly your digression here Ma'am, is that you've never had something this good before in your life, and as such you're not sure if it's a dream and if you wake up it will all flutter to nothingness and you'll only have your thoughts.

I know how this feels, and I've dealt with it numerous times, especially with girlfriends who I've dated for over a month or longer. I've gotten over it by realizing that having someone special in my life is part of growing up (I'm 20 by the way) and figuring out who you are, and as such developing your personality.


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Willard
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23 Jul 2008, 8:54 pm

No matter how unconditionally anyone loves you, they are always, and I mean always, every second of every day, EXPECTING SOMETHING of you. I for one don't know what, and eventually don't care, it's just too exhausting to constantly feel the pressure of living up to someone else's expectations. Being responsible for another person's emotional well-being is just too much to cope with.

I don't know whether you can identify with these feelings or not, but they definitely lead to relationship self-sabotage. Not that that's a bad thing.



aspiewoman2
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24 Jul 2008, 5:59 am

seek professional help.

I totally agree. thanks to everyone for the advice. It's true-love is a foreign concept to me as my childhood and early adulthood were based on "conditional" love. It's hard after going through that.

Keep the advice coming-it helps. I enjoy getting various opinions from all perspectives. :lol:



Ancalagon
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25 Jul 2008, 8:14 pm

aspiewoman2 wrote:
But, I don't get it. Why does he love me?
Ask him.

Quote:
I had a horrible childhood, teenage yrs were worse. And, my first marriage ended in divorce after he cheated and left me. Maybe I just don't trust. I don't know...help :cry:
It sounds like you have trust issues. I would if I'd gone through all that crap.

Your subconscious may be trying to protect you by keeping you from risking too much by loving too much. In my opinion, your subconscious is making a bad bet.


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