Does anyone on this forum have useful advice for an LTR?

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I've been browsing this forum for a long while, looking for SOMETHING useful.

I see a lot of whining and complaining about aspies who can't get a date. My sympathies, being lonely sucks.

But I'm mostly through my first year of marriage, and I need advice for coping with some basic things.

Obviously I have the skills (or the raw attractiveness...) to get a date and keep a relationship...at least for a while, but that doesn't mean I'm not still having trouble.

I've read a lot on the internet about how 80% of aspie marriages end in divorce, and that aspies are difficult to be with, and they have all these social problems, yadda yadda yadda... I'd like to be part of the 20% exception rather than the 80% rule.

I believe that my mind can be programmed, if I can find the right code.

Does anyone have any suggestions for teaching myself how to NOT take things literally? It feels more like a bug than a feature in my brain.

I tend to have a meltdown every time my husband and I need to talk about anything important. What are coping mechanisms people have used for pushing through this problem?

Any advice would be appreciated.

Edited to clarify: I'm with an NT

Last edited by fragiletruth on 20 Aug 2008, 2:47 pm, edited 2 times in total.

As someone who's been in an AS-AS relationship before, I can sympathize:

Here are the two main things I have learned:

1. You need to have a lot of patience with somebody.

2. You have to be willing to compromise, and can't put arbitrary time periods on anything.

Of course, these issues aren't necessarily typical of all AS-AS relationships, because the extent to which people have AS varies.

No, you just learn to cope better. The whole "been here before" thing. And situations you've been in before aren't as scary the next time around, right?

If it's someone you don't care about, just ignore them, that's what I do. Or have a phrase (whatever you like) that means "it doesn't matter, let it go." And say it to yourself when someone is upsetting you. (I personally use "whatever" or "f**k it.")
My husband will tease me sometimes, but is always sure to tell me that's what he's doing so I won't get upset.

Just take it slow. Or, if you have trouble getting through it without somebody yelling, maybe try this: (I used to do this) Get a notebook. Write what you want to say and hand it to him. Then he writes his part and passes it back. Sounds corny, but it lets each person has the time to say what they need to and there's no way to yell. I've long since gotten to the point where I don't need to do this, but it used to be the only way I could.

Me too.

My husband and I are celebrating our 10th anniversary this year. I'm an aspie, he's not NT (but he's not the same flavor aspie as I am).

The first year is rough, it's like a breaking-in period. I now know ours was miserable for my husband but he decided to stick it out. He had faith and hope.

I still take things literally. I haven't been able to fix that "feature". He had to learn to work with that rather than the other way around. We even have code words for when he wants to say something direct but can't. (Like at a party when I'm starting to lecture someone or in a store when he wants to walk away from a purchase.)

We have discussions with a written agenda so that we stay on point and cover everything. Sometimes I just freak out, like when we were buying a house, and he has to deal. Sometimes I'm the one who's got it together.

My husband has quirks too. He won't call people (for takeout, to make an appointment, etc) so I am like his secretary. He hates all sports with a passion, so I never get to watch a bit of baseball or the olympics. Oh, and my husband is always right - really. I can't count the number of times that he gets to say, "I told you so," in a week. I bet your husband has some oddities too, even if he is NT. Remember - you are equal. You are both different, but complimentary. Each of you gets to be good at certain things and miserable at others. You get to help each other. That's what being a team is all about.

After a few decades of marital bashing and bliss I have found a few things that work some of the time - if I am lucky.

The biggest revelation to me after I realized I was AS was that for me to process the emotional things going on around me takes time. I can figure it out most of the time but rarely is my understanding instant or complete. So now I look for signals that tell me I am missing something and then I observe as best I can to determine what it is. Usually I can get enough of an idea to ask a question but sometimes it can take minutes, days, weeks. But with that good old aspie dogged determination I pursue it to a good resolution if at all possible.

I learned a big lesson about communication in my teens when I was learning to fly airplanes I could never understand what the air traffic controller was saying. My uncle was my instructor and he always heard what the controller said and he always said the right thing back. I was in awe overlaid with despair. Finally after we had gotten back on the ground one day I said “How can you understand all that? I can never understand what he is saying.” My uncle said “Oh, it’s easy; I know what he is going to say.” (Damn, no wonder)

So I went to the library and got a book on radio communication. There was a whole big recipe for how to talk on the radio. With the book and a little figuring out what a ATC would say at each stage of the flight I began to know what was going to be said, so I could get ahead of what was about to happen and be ready for it.

In piloting they tell you to “fly in front of the aircraft.” That means you have to anticipate what situations you are going to have to deal with, a bird doesn’t have to do that because a bird is born to it. In a conversation as an aspie you have to get in front of the conversation and know what is expected and what you are going to have to say, NTs don’t have to, they are born to it.

There are books on conversation, how to win friends, public speaking, flirting, dating and making marriages work and they all have receipies. These books won’t solve all the problems we face but they will help in some cases. There are also classes such as dancing, drawing, acting, coaching, marriage, negotiation and each of these disciplines will broaden you and make you more able to cope with what comes from the world. It will program you somewhat to handle the situations they address.

Now specifically, when you know you are going to be in a hyperbolic, metaphorical, emotional gesture filled blizzard, just recognizing it is on the way and preparing for it can help a lot. What I do for that specific situation is make sure it is only myself and the other person that will talk, no third parties or interruptions if possible. I listen a lot and figure it out later. It’s hard to go wrong by gathering information and listening intently, not many people will fault you for that. Later I make a plan and come back to work things out.

NT’s, bless their little souls, often don’t understand their own driving desires. You often get an avalanche of words and gesture most of which signifies nothing as they are groping for the core of what they are trying to say. You as an aspie have a great advantage in that you can often see more clearly the basic problem as long as you don’t get distracted by all the verbal and emotional flailing that goes on. If you get all the info and take a break to put your thoughts in order you will have a better chance of handling the situation.

Chapter Two

To get out of constant damage control you have to look way ahead and set up situations that will go in a good way for you both. NT’s are easy to communicate with on a subliminal basis and they love it. There are books with recipes for this just like there are for so many skills. Neuro linguistic programming (NLP), Milton Erikson’s books, sales books, How to Win Friends and Influence People are all chock full of recipes for dealing with NTs (but not aspies!). With some forethought you can set up the situation in advance so that it has a better chance of going well for both of you.

You can parallel an NT’s think if you take some time to understand what you are trying to do just like an NT can stop all the flim flam and think logically if he really works at it (some can anyway). But to make things work with an NT you have to lay the groundwork, keep it simple and have a bailout plan if things go wrong so you can regroup.

Epilogue

If all this seems too simple and Pollyanna, it is, you never win them all but if you press on it usually comes out OK. Last weekend my wife, enraged by my refusal to do something I felt was a breach of promise, put her face about a foot from mine and screamed with a contorted face. “F--- You.” (Wooowwwww what a signal moment) The real problem was that our son has some health problems that she is trying to deal with and her blow up had almost nothing to do with me at all. With a little patience, a few minutes later she was back crying and saying she was sorry. I let her know in every way I could that I understood and held no grudge what so ever. I don’t know that it was a great handle of her emotional state but it was sufficient. Later I was able to do what she wanted without breaking any promises and let her know it was taken care of. Then I came back yet again and made sure she was happy with everything. This was a cycle that spread over several days.

As an aspie you have some abilities that an NT doesn’t. There are millions of NTs that would like to get hold of their emotions, think logically, see things as they really are, concentrate and get past all their reactions. You can be a great asset to someone that is dealing with all the crap that an NT has to deal with. But of course you have to be that asset and use those skills for their benefit and your benefit together as a married couple. Aspies do some pretty amazing things in the areas of honesty, concentration, straight on observation and dedication. That is probably what he is counting on you for.

Take all this with a grain of salt, its not peer reviewed just how one beleaguered aspie tries to make it in the world. Really, best of luck with your marriage.

Russell

I don't know of any 'code' but try to develop lateral thinking skills. Maybe right-brain exercises would help. There are books on drawing on the right side of the brain (literally drawing, i.e. sketching) which are supposed to strengthen your right brain. It might also prove relaxing if nothing else. But again I know of no surefire way to 'reprogram' your (anyone's) brain.



Identify what you fear in these conversations. Then try to address it. Be honest with him. Write it down if you fear talking about it. For instance if it's length of time he expects you to talk about things. Then suggest halving those lengths of time. See if that helps.

Ask him to meet you halfway on this. Ask him to try to 'bottom line it' i.e. tell you what you need to know information- wise so you are not confused.

I'm pretty sure my husband is Aspie, at least he has a LOT of traits. He also melts down when I want to talk to him about anything 'important' (to me). He can't seem to follow a story. Yet I enjoy talking and telling the story it takes to get to my point. He only wants the bottom-line information he 'needs to know'. To me that feels robotic and is no fun. But if I do it any other way he's either exhausted or nervous or both.

For me as an NT (with possibly some Aspie flavor, I'm not sure) that is a lonely way to live. But again if I try it any other way he 'melts down' - he's beem known to literally run out of the room, or go lie down and immediately 'pass out' sleeping. That's how hard it is for him to follow what I am talking about!

From my point of view it's very easy to understand and baffling he can't listen to a full sentence without interrupting me. "Anyone else" would understand it, but he can't. It's frustrating for us both!

Fixing this will help both of you, I'm sure your husband is also frustrated. But he may have to fill his conversational needs elsewhere, and just 'bottom line it' when he talks to you.

Part of why you feel nervous may be because you dont have a clue what he expects you to do after a 'talk' or even during it. Identify what bothers you and try to fix that somehow.

If you approach your partner with your written list of things that would make it easier for you, try to do so when they are in a good mood and rested. It will go over better. Good luck