(non-intelligent) girl has a crush on me

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I never thought I would post this kind of problem, but here goes anyway...

Two years ago, during volunteer work, I met a girl who is 7 years younger than me. She was starting work and I was coaching her. Really nice, nothing to worry. Later I helped here with some small problems and she got involved with another boy from that same team. Great for her. Half a year ago they broke up and she mentioned something about a new relationship, also nice.

Now the problems start. First she asks me if she can visit me for a day, sounds nice we had some stories to swap. But our schedules were overbooked, so we decided to meet each other on the volunteer work for a beer afterwards. By then almost half the camp was talking about our 'date'. Okay, people need something to gossip. That evening a storm broke loose (which I should had taken as a sign), so the meeting was cut short.

I was still assuming she was in a relation. We met later on a party, she was hanging all over me and followed me around. Okay, alcohol can do that and she was pleasant company. But the evening came to an end and I just escorted her to her tent, nothing happened. Afterward I could tell people that I behaved, but that was not a problem. Later she came to see me again and again and was finding me up to say me hello and such. From other people I heard she was talking about me a lot, apparently she really likes me. Now she wants to spend a weekend with me; and she is persistent about it.

Here comes the problem. I like having her around and she can be nice to spend an evening (or night) with. She is really attractive (nice blond hair, nice figure, etc.). And she is a really sweet girl. The problem is she is not intelligent, she has no good subjects to talk about for longer times. She does not have to be a genius, but is an IQ over 100 too much asked for? (and sometimes she can annoy me a bit) I like her a lot and I am attracted to her, but I am afraid meeting each other on a regular basis will not work out. Besides that some of my friends are really negative about her. Normally I do not care too much about the opinions of other people, but they are my friends for 10 years now and they were really insistent about it. I think they care about me.

What should I do? Just explain it to her? And will I hurt her? Somewhere there is this thought about just trying it? What a dilemma. I hope some of you have a good idea about it.

Look, there's a couple of facts that you may want to face up to here.
- Try as you might, I don't think you're going to find an easy way out of this.
- It is highly likely you'll come out of this looking like an a**hole.

In most situations, honesty is best, but not now. I'm not sure you have a good way out of this that'll make her not get hurt and make you not look like a dick. You might end up having to choose what kind of dick you want to be.

I suppose you could say that you just don't feel the connection is there, that you don't really talk and while you are attracted to her you don't see a future.

Just trying it is another option. But most relationships have a honeymoon period where you've idealised each other, which then breaks down. Already having misgivings ike these going in, on something as fundamental as simple discussion, isn't really a good sign.

Honestly, I think you need to just let her down easy, and hope that you come out of it not hurting her or yourself too much.

What is her IQ? Do you know?

smart girls are not always better than non smart girls. Non smart are usually more innocent.

Yeah I forgot to mention that a girl being dumb isn't necessarily an automatic relationship ender, but I felt the OP had made a well-reasoned post to as to why the difference in IQs wasn't going to work out.

Okay. She is a bit innocent, and she is nice.



Maybe I should not have mentioned the word IQ. But when I take the dutch educational system it is easier to explain:

I finished the branche at the right, the one with the Master-title at the end. She finished the branche on the most left (at the left side, which is not detailed in this picture). It is quite uncommon for relations to be more than one branche apart.

But apart from the social 'rules', it is also a feeling I have about her. I always feel like I have to coach her and she has not a lot to coach me for.

Last edited by Asterisp on 05 Aug 2008, 2:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It sounds like the two of you can have some fun together. I say give it a go for a while, she doesn't have to be "the one", and she may not necessarily think you are "the one" either. You enjoy her company, she enjoys yours, take it one step at a time.

Maybe you can make her smarter...

Gather yea rosebuts

that is exactly the way I felt before last December dating a heavyset woman with bipolar. I could rationalize her weight away (think of it as my role in a Shallow Hal movie) but I was concerned for the bipolar, that she was living with her mum, not working, didn't have her driver's license, and doesn't manage her own medication or money. Me thinking she is denied employment, of course she wants to be a mom, probably a wife too. She doesn't seem interested in the kind of stuff I like: peak oil, the next thirty years, possibility of starvation and war, Biblical prophecies, unexplained possibilities, past civilizations, history, science, sociology, world news and affairs, etc.

What if you marry such a person only to have an affair later?

And if there is a divorce and a custody fight, what if she loses because she is bipolar? Geez.

I think I am better off now having waited for someone else.

Incidentally she is nice, though. I am just wondering that although people do marry other people with severe disabilities, they do so with good reasons, not because there are no other women around. Me thinking the few things in common (movies, and really fattening meals out) we like might not be enough for a relationship?

Does lithium produce any dimwitted like symptoms, slow thinking, dazedness?

There's plenty of potential here. You are obviously smarter than her on the scale you posted which is kind of like a standard IQ scale too. That goes without saying really, you are an aspie, she is an NT. If you can find an equivalent scale of social intelligence the positions will be reversed. So, you are not above her overall, you both have a lot to learn and a lot to teach.

I wonder if a lot of women intentionally play dumb to appear less intimidating and more approachable. She could be a lot smarter than she appears. Then again how realistic is it to expect someone to match your level of understanding of your interests? What are her interests? Is it possible that she could acquire one of your interests? Sailing is easy enough to learn. Might it be enough for you to have at least "one thing" in common with her? I wouldn't mind having a dilemma similar to yours.

Thanks for the answers so far... it gives me something to think about; since I cannot sleep anyway.

She does sail, so we have at least a common interest.
She does not seem entirely NT, I suspect she has some auti-traits. But socially she manages far better than me.

But I am still worried about the earlier negative reaction of my friends and my own negative feeling. Those are like big red warning lights. (and I am afraid I will be hurting her feelings)

Now I hope I can fall asleep and have some good dreams.

With all due respect this is a cute girl who wants to hang out with you, as long as your are honest in that
the relationship "is what it is" not a deep romance and shes okay with it, theres nothing wrong
with FWB (friends with benefits)

Its also quite possible that you two emotionally connect even if you dont intellectually connect.
If you want intellectual discussions thats what you have platonic friends for...


one serious question Is she mentally ret*d or is she just a ditz? How old is she?

Maybe you're right about her. I don't know, but I've met people with doctorates who are dumb as doorknobs, and I've met people who are brilliant with only 3 college credits.

What are her interests? If you can get her to talk about those, you might get to know how bright she really is.