i need help.....

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my NT wife used to be nice and supportive and consistent.. now she lashes out at me when my aspie-ness shows through... we've been married 4 years we have a daughter.... I can't lose her, but i don't know how much longer i can take this....... I'm trying to get her to understand what she's doing to me, and i feel like i'm getting nowhere......



I don't know what to do anymore.... my social issues, and occassional non-verbal-ness are showing up with her, which they never really used to. and then she attacks me for them........... but i'm so in love with her, i feel like i can't live without her, I've tried to leave but it just doesn't work...


Jeff

My advice:

1. Obtain a safety-deposit box in another town, and register it under your first initial, middle name, and last name.
   
2. Place all precious personal belongings, family heirlooms, important papers, and as many $20 bills as you can spare each week into that box.
   
3. Obtain a post-office box in another town, and register it under your first initial, middle name, and last name.
   
4. Use the post-office box to communicate with your lawyer.
   
5. Obtain a beat-up, yet reliable car for personal transportation, and be prepared to sign off on any other vehicles you may own.
   
6. Obtain a place to live in another town, preferrably with a family member of the same last name. You might not have to move in right away, but make sure that you have some clothes there just in case you come home one night and find that all the locks have been changed.
   
7. Be prepared to sign off on the rental agreement or mortgage, just in case you have to turn over the apartment or house to your wife. Make sure that the landlord and mortgage lender know that you will no longer be responsible for payments.
   
8. Choose a lawyer on recommendation, if this is not possible interview three
   
9. Communicate with your lawyer exactly what you want them to do and what you do not want them to do on your behalf. They will assume that it will be up to them to do all of the mediating work on your behalf and at your exspense.
   
10. Keep communication going with your wife. If this stops you will end up fighting about something you agree upon because your lawyers are fighting each other.
    
11. Draw up between you and your wife what you want and expect from the split and come to agreement over this. Otherwise you will be paying your lawyers to fight over a microwave. This will cost you much more than n new one.
    
12. Keep all correspondence.
    
13. Do not bad mouth your wife. Especially if you have children.
    
14. Do not get into any tit for tat situation. Meet up and calmly agree, back down if you have too.
    
15. Take up a new hobby or sport. A fitness plan may help you in two ways, one to vent steam and another to help you look your best for when you may wish to start dating again.
    
16. Lean on your family and friends, its vital you talk about how you feel and get out your frustration. They will understand and they will help you get better by just listening.
    
17. Remember that if you have children, they come first, you will always be their Father, and your wife will always be their Mother. Respect their rights and hers, especially when the judge awards full physical custody to their mother, and basically writes you out of their lives.

it does sound like she has got tired of you. did you talk with her about it? did you ask her what she wants? although, its likely she doesnt know what she wants. i dont know, only few got so far as you, not many people here experienced enough to help. perhaps she needs some time to order her thoughts. keep us informed, though. and good luck.

Do you see a shrink? Maybe you should invite your wife along for a visit. Or try couples counciling. Try to get her to see things from your perspective and that berating you only makes your symptoms worse.

I have no problem with the physical act of getting out, but i'm not ready to bail yet.

I'm going to try to give her space to cool off and do some thinking of her own, that becomes difficult when you throw in the fact that she is the only near-by close friend i have also.

It's very hard for me to talk to her about this because she gets impatient with my slow speech and long delays while i try to process everything and starts treating me in ways that make it even harder to talk.

... she is simultaniously the very best and very worst things that have ever happened to me.

Jeff

Jeff, I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time with your wife. I am married to a man who has not been diagnosed, but his daughter has, and through our research to assist her, I am noticing the he has many Aspie traits as well. The differences in our communication styles frustrate me to no end. It was never an issue for me until we starting dealing with his daughter's problems. Have there been some new responsibities or challenges in your marriage that have added stress? I have found it helpful for each of us to write our thoughts down and then discuss them. That would allow you to organize your thoughts without feeling rushed or pressured. Ask your wife (during a stress free time) if she would be agreeable to having you adress some of your issues in writing.

Good luck!