Our 'cultural norms'

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More and more I'm getting to the point where I vary rarely visit this folder. Mostly because a lot of people are asking a lot of the same questions that there really are no clear cut answers to in terms of why things work the way they do, why they won't work for some of us, etc.. Its really nothing I hold against anyone just because, we all go through it, its just part of growing up and especially when people find themselves blocked out of the relationship world - sometimes there are clean cut and obvious reasons, far more often its stuff thats far more nuanced, far more subtle, and a great deal of the time aspects of ones self that literally can't just be stamped out.

What I'm really wondering is this, societal norms are really and ultimately set by how people - in aggregate, deal with a situation. Its what sets the stereotypes, its what sets public perception, its what drives people's thinking in generalities. When I think of a lot of what the guys go through here, yes, its very difficult. On the other hand, especially when you really should have a lot of self-value regardless of all this, I think people really owe it to themselves to do a few things. First of all, cut off all definition of self from other people's standpoints based on 'sexual achievement'; ie. setting self worth, self-esteem, self-assurance, based on whether the opposite sex takes well to you instantly or not. There's way more to life, way more to us, way more dimensions of self, than all that.

That said, if the predominance of single aspie or PDD guys were far more self-respecting, would take their sense of self into their own hands, say "so what" when they, at their best, weren't getting the external results they wanted, and if anything used that challenge more like a gift - ie. used it to keep developing themselves, keep improving their own lives and conditions regardless of external outcome, things would be a lot different. That's the trouble when I look at this folder though, when the aggregate response to this sort of life condition is self-pitty or people rather than striving for the values that you desperately want internally - its selling yourselves short, making yourselves unhappy, its really stealing away your own life.

I'm saying it as compassionately as I can. I think people are really laying themselves to waste and I think they deserve a lot better - from themselves. Our culture is really messed up, yes, its no-brainer obvious. However, if you are more intelligent, if you know better, you also owe it to yourself to take your life, your own happiness, your own values, into your own hands and look at the outcome as a measure of your own internal happiness - ie. the one gift you can give yourself that no one else really can. It takes a degree of inner toughness but development of that trait, in and of itself, is a huge self-esteem booster.

Not really sure how well I explained this, it may be a bit abstract to really make much of a discussion topic, but I think its well worth saying regardless.

I think you misunderstand most peoples premise for posting. One I don't see as many sad and depressed people posting about wallowing in self pity. Two I don't think anyone is expecting any one to provide a magical answer that's going to solve everyone's romantic problems tomorrow. Three I'm not here to sulk, I'm here talking about these things to get them out in the open and give me the confidence to keep trucking.

That's fair. I agree that there are a lot of people doing that as well. When I do say that in a generality I guess I'm not trying to broadbrush everyone. I do think it is very important for us all though to stay tough and stay positive for our own good. For the people who are doing as you suggested though, this really isn't aimed at that and I definitely don't want people who should not identify with my first post to see it as an attack because that's not my intent at all.

On the other hand, I don't think people really dedicate much discussion to that specific back half of it - its implied with many posts that people are taking a better route but its rarely if ever discussed as a topic unto itself (which is kind of sad, I think it has a lot of uplifting potential).

I find many people, especially in my age group put far too much emphasis in their lives on finding a partner, and think it's going to fix everything for them. They think that if they can't find a partner, life has no meaning for them and then they get all self-pitying.

I have no skill in attracting women, neither do I presently have much skill in developing friendships, which puts me at a disadvantage in the whole dating game. I could let that get me down and mope around, but what I do instead is not think about it and devote my time and energy towards other pursuits, ones that have a much higher chance of me succeeding in. Hobbies, and my work for example. The time I spend on IRC these days suffices for any socialising needs I have.

This approach seems utterly foreign for some people, and when you try to say to people they need to redirect their focus it can be like banging your head upon a brick wall.

I think it is very difficult, not to exept the fact that one should but to get one's emotions around it. In my own life that's always been the biggest struggle in changing anything - you can hear the facts, accept the facts as true, but it takes much longer to get your emotions to fly in formation. It's analogous to knowing how to play a sport vs. being able to. Its difficult but its also a very important skill when it comes to bringing oneself to adulthood anywhere past the chronological sense of the word.