Aspie Soul Mates

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I need help. I'm in love with an aspie and he gives me mixed messages all the time and as soon as it seems like we are getting closer, he hurts me. He did so many things to push me away and whenever I decide to give up he gives me some sort of sign he cares.

I didn't know I was on the spectrum until I met him. It was love at first sight and I've never experienced that before. In fact, I was so content at the time because I didn't like those feelings of being in love and infatuated. I was relieved to have escaped that drama and then he shows up and changed my life.

There have been so many coincidences that have taken place that makes it seem like we were thrown together and forced to work this out. He told me after 2 years of me waiting for him that he was diagnosed with asperger's at age 7 and he pushed it aside thinking he was just awkward and he'd grow out of it. At first I thought that he didn't like me because I was autistic but then he knew all along that he was too. I met him the day it was revealed to me by a physician that I am very likely to have very high functioning autism. Since then I have seen a psychologist and have taken online tests and now my life makes sense. I felt like I knew him forever and now I can't remember how my life was before I met him. It was like he was always there and I loved him before I knew him.

We have a sort of online relationship and we communicate mostly through pictures and music. I am completely in love with him and am willing to have a non physical relationship with him but I'm afraid that he'll do something to hurt me again and now I'm in a perpetual state of worry and sometimes I want to lash out and make him hate me so we can stop this. Then when I think it's over I get really depressed. Nobody understands this so I'm left alone to sort it out.

Then there are times I get paranoid and wonder if he doesn't like me and I am making this all in my head. So, then I'll panic and write a bunch of emails and then he'll give me a tiny little sign that he does like me still. I need constant verification that he cares for me too or else I'll spin out of control and analyze everything until my head hurts. Last week he seemed to have a breakthrough and he left me an honest and emotional comment. But then he hacked in my computer and erased it! Aghh! It was the nicest comment too.

He seems to like being in control. You could do better.

He does have all the power and maybe sometimes he likes to see how much I'm willing to suffer for him. But, I don't think he is mean and vindictive. He cried when he told me that he doesn't want to hurt me and then I told him that it's not his fault. He smiled and said regrettably that he thinks he hurt people in the past and I should forget about him.

Thanks for saying I could do better though, ego strokes are always nice (prrr).

Hmm ... controlling and manipulative ...

Watch out for yourself, k?

I'll take that advice into serious consideration. I actually think sometimes that I've been brainwashed or something.
I do have a very active imagination too so I can't completely trust myself. And, I'm really naive too. I can't stop wondering, why would someone want to do that? It doesn't register and maybe that is the problem. What a scary world this is.

You're in love. Same thing. The condition is induced by endorphins in your brain. Reality is the only cure.


Why? Because they can. Stand up for yourself, and refuse to put up with any kind of treatment that makes you uncomfortable.

Some people can produce tears at will, so don't fall for that trick, either. It's especially common with alcoholics. First, they're abusive, then you threaten to leave, then they cry and promise to do better, then you stay, then they abuse you some more ... around and around and around...

As Fnord said, It's conceivable that the best thing is to stand up and not live like this anymore. Not knowing the specifics, I can't really judge.
But are these hurtful things deliberate? I must advise that you try to figure out how much he understands what he's doing when he hurts you, and what his motivations are.
And make sure he understands what you want from him. Tell him how much that emotional message meant.
My guess is he's afraid of closeness.

I have no idea why he does these things, that's why I'm asking you guys. I thought it might be better to get an AS opinion on this.
I know he likes me enough to hack into my computer. I also know he is not completely aware of how his actions affect other people.

Specifics on "these things" he does would be helpful, though I understand if you don't want to share.

Magnus,

I am a bit bewildered by the circumstances that you seem to be in. The first thing that caught my eyes was this:

"We have a sort of online relationship and we communicate mostly through pictures and music. I am completely in love with him and am willing to have a non physical relationship with him but I'm afraid that he'll do something to hurt me again and now I'm in a perpetual state of worry and sometimes I want to lash out and make him hate me so we can stop this. Then when I think it's over I get really depressed. Nobody understands this so I'm left alone to sort it out."

I admire your wisdom on my previous replies, Magnus, but even I must share my suprise when I saw this. I find it inconcievable that you could fall in love with a guy through "a online relationship". I can understand that you can be very interested in a person intimacy wise online, through chatting and stuff. But love? Even I, who has never felt romantic love, know that love cannot be fully met through online conversations. I won't go into great detail about Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love, if you'd like to read about it, I'll send you this link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love

What you are describing is what is known as "companionate love", having intimacy and commitment, but no physical passion to speak of. But by the description of the guy whom you "love", it seems like he isn't doing his part in your relationship, and I won't sugar coat it, I don't think this online relationship is a relationship. Now I don't know if your picture icon is what you really look like or not, but in the case it is what you look like, I will tell you this. You are simply too physically attractive to be living through a computer romance. EVERYONE should be able to have an actual romance, not some illusion of a romance. That is what I consider an online relationship, an illusion, a mirage, a temporary fix that does not heal the loneliness you feel inside. By engaging in a online relationship, you are not fufilling the need of passion, physical passion. I don't mean just sex, I mean hugging, kissing, cuddling. You have to fufill that need, no one needs to live vicariously through conversation.

I know, you're probably wondering, "Why is this guy going on and on. What does he know about online relationships?" I was in one, and it did not fill the loneliness I felt inside. I was deluded to think I was in love, because all I was doing was feeling desire and infatuation, the want for love and affection. I yearned for it, and since I couldn't get it from girls who lived near me, I tried doing it via Internet. It was a temporary fix, in the end it didn't make me happy, it was settling for something that I could do better than.

As for this "love" of yours, I will say this. I can obviously tell that you are lonely, and I know that you feel in tune with this guy because he is autistic and you guys are similar. However his distant behavior makes me question whether he really cares about this "relationship". I think he is pulling you on a string. He acts distant when he talks to you, but then he says something nice, and you're smitten with him all over again, and then he goes back to being distant. A girl once told me "The reason girls put up with jerks who they date is because girls will do ANYTHING, absolutely anything to feel the emotion of love, to feel that the guy loves them". I think that is the case with you, you are so willing to feel the emotion of love that you will cling onto it desperately so you won't lose it, even if it means putting up with this bub.

You know, whatever decision, Magnus, is your own decision. However, if I were in your place, I would give up this online relationship and actually try to find autistic guys in your area with whom you can meet in person. Even date local NT guys, doesn't matter. But that's just my advice though, take it or leave it.

Magnus, judging from many of your previous posts, you are much smarter than this. You should already know that you're in a manipulative relationship. You really do deserve better than to be jerked around like this.

We met in real life first.

Thanks for taking an interest, here are some specifics. He started dating this girl that he works with right after I got pushy with my emotions. However, he admitted to me that he doesn't like her and they rarely go out on dates. I asked him if he even liked her because she seems not at all his type and such an awkward match and he just sighed and looked away. So I said, "I know you don't like her because if you did, you wouldn't even be able to talk to her." And he said, "You're probably right."

That's a big blow, don't you think? I told him I'd wait and then he gets this girlfriend. He's been with her for over a year now! On some of his sites, he says he is single. She appears to be head over heels for him and she is obviously an NT because she is Miss Popular.

He doesn't talk to me for the most part. Sometimes he'll respond to me by using an alias and then he'll stop abruptly after we get into a discussion that gets personal. We can talk for a long time when we do and it is very intellectually stimulating and then poof, he's gone again. He denies me, and that hurts the most.

Like I said before, we communicate through pictures on flickr and sometimes he'll just stop posting pics for a while. We select favorites and it's fun. Last year he used to upset me whenever he'd post a picture of a sexy naked chick and I know I over reacted but I'm really emotional when it comes to this. The feelings are really intense, irrational, and passionate. A couple of months ago after I got really sad and expressed my annoyance with some of the pictures he posted in the past, he hacked into flickr and replaced all those porn pics with romantic scenic ones or ones that I wrote to him about that were personal.

He has blogs that I visit and vice versa. Whenever I would post something to make him jealous he would post something back that was 1,000 times worse. We both are homebodies for the most part, but I get jealous when he does go out on a date and wonder why he won't do anything with me. Then I'll check out her sites and she is always posting a picture of them as her profile pic. He never puts up pictures of her in his.

Now that I've finished writing this, I hate him again. I repulse myself too for not having control of my emotions. But, tomorrow I'll probably be looking at flickr and feeling all stupid again.

There's a lot of issues here too, like I'm married with 2 children. I asked him if he doesn't want a relationship because I have children and he said no that's not the issue. Then I asked if it was because I'm married and he said maybe, his parents are going through a divorce and that may have something to do with it.

This sounds so bad right? I bet you're all rolling your eyes now. I wanted to get out of my marriage years before I met this other guy.
I put on an act my whole life and I needed to have someone but I was not aware of all of this. I never knew that I was autistic and I just secretly lived a double life inside my head. The thing is too, is that my NT husband is understanding of this and he sees what goes on with this computer relationship. I've been honest with him the whole time and even tried denying all this but it caught up to me months after I met this guy.

Wow, I sound really crazy. It gets crazier too. I think we are soul mates and I remember him from a past life. No, I'm not a troll!
My real life is better than fiction.

"He started dating this girl that he works with right after I got pushy with my emotions"

Yeah that's pretty bad. Autism certainly can't justify it. Even if he doesn't care for the other girl, then that means he is leading the other girl on, so either way he's a jerk. I think I agree with AutisticMalcontent and Fnord now. He doesn't deserve you. He shouldn't be able to keep you in his back pocket and then come back whenever he wants to.

Well after reading all these specifics, I'm still a bit suprised. I can perfectly understand you being upset about him posting a picture of a naked chick. Actually, I find that rather humorous. To us guys, it really isn't anything to us. I invoke the psychological argument of what both sexes view "love" as. Females generally view love in the sense of how much time a guy spends with a girl, guys typically view love as sex. But I can understand you being upset, I mean, to female thinking, you probably think "Why is looking at a naked chick when he's got me?" right? kind of makes you feel unappreciated.

You say "his parents are going through a divorce and that may have something to do with it". How old is this guy? Sounds like a kid.

As for you being married with 2 kids, I'm not going to lie, I think it is dishonorable to try and seek romance while you're in the confines of marriage. When you got married, you promised to "love each other, for better or worse". If you're very unhappy with your marriage, then you should have gotten a divorce, that's what I would have done. But by the description of your husband, he seems like a good man who understands your dileema and is trying to help you out. But what I can't possibly fathom, absolutely can not fathom, is the fact that you are MARRIED with two kids, and you're seeking romance with some guy online. If your husband cares about you, understands what you're going through, why are you betraying him like this? Even if he knows, it doesn't make it anymore right. Once you're married, isn't like dating, you can't just see other people, it makes a mockery of the confines of marriage. Sorry Magnus, but I strongly against such behavior.

Thanks for your advice and taking the time to think about this. I struggled with this and I think this whole thing allowed me to grow in ways that I never would have if I had not met him. First of all, I would know this much about autism and why I was always different. My 2 and 4 year old are very likely high functioning autistics too. We are a big goofy bunch here.

As far as my marriage, we have become closer as friends and he has also grown in personal ways because of it. I read a book by Thomas Moore, he's a psychologist and he talks about our souls and how they propel us to change sometimes. Before all this I would have raised an eyebrow and walked away from anyone talking about that. Now that I have experienced this first hand I can't deny it.

I do like aspie people and wish I could have a big group of friends who were all autistic. Even though they are so combative and argumentative, I love how we reveal different perspectives to each other and this allows us to learn independently, the way we need to learn. I do wish I could have an intimate relationship with an aspie. It's like a cat needs to be with a cat and not a dog.

Oh, one more thing, this aspie jerk of mine is 30 and I am 33. But he does seem more like he is 7 and I feel like a 17 yr old.

Also, the reason why my husband liked me to begin with is that I resembled Pamela Anderson to me. I once asked him why he loves me and he was stumped and then finally said, "because you take care of me (sexually)". I dont think he ever really knew me until recently.

Ok, now the matter makes more sense to me. I'll be honest with you, I don't believe in the idea of a "soulmate". Romantically, it sounds more than ideal and charming, yet I reason such an idea is just that, a romantic idea without a practical base in reason/logic. If the idea of a soulmate was accurate and true, why would people remarry or divorce so often if they thought they found their soulmate the first time around. I believe in the same manner you can fall in love with one person, you could fall in love with numerous other people who share the same characteristics that you like and desire. I think we think romantically, but we have to settle eventually, the real world is not like a fairytale where a princess kisses a toad and turns him into a prince, or a prince finding a princess. We all settle for less than what we want usually, I believe. I may want to date a cute/beautiful foreign girl, but in all sensibility, I will end up dating a local girl from my area. Girls will have to forsake their dreams of hunky muscular guys for average to moderately attractive guys.

Like I stated before, this jerk bf, he seems too indecisive and too immature to be in a relationship. If he really cared about having a relationship, he wouldn't be playing mind games. As for your husband, you said you recently connected with him on the level of friendship. That's wonderful. I think love is not about passion and sex, it is about intimacy and commitment. Passion comes and goes like a rainy day, but what sustains a relationship is mutual interests and committed friendship. If I were you, I would just stick with your husband. Love is friendship in the very same manner that it is also passion. You have everything before you, friendship, passion, and commitment on both of your parts, what more can you ask fo? These are just my thoughts though.

lol, and I was amused at your husband being attracted to you because you look like Pamela Anderson and because you filled his sexual needs. Typical of a neurotypical guy lol. However the same can be said for aspie guys as well. We need the same affection that NT guy's need, it is just a lot of us or more sensitive and shy about it.