Never ask guys out - can't read signals

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As the title says, I never ask guys out. I've tried and tried to pick up on signals, but I'm just not able to, and I can't ask someone out without knowing if they like me or not. So, I don't ask them out.
However, none of them seem to want to ask me out either. Maybe I'm giving off the wrong signals
This is a problem.
How can I learn to read signals so I can ask a guy out?
OR
How can I learn to give off the right signals?

Hi Alycat,

After being on my own for years and in my mid 30's I got a book The Rules. Now, in my personal opinion any kind of rules is awesome for our type. This one was great for me. I learned a lot about all the stuff other girls just seem to know by instinct, like how to make themselves seem fought over. There's not a lot of honesty involved but it's more a case of being true to yourself, and that means overcoming those feelings of being wanted that make us sabotage any incipient dating. So get serious, make some real plans, and be a little tough.

The suggestion that led to my marriage (at age 39, 2 kids to follow) was regarding personal ads. Now here is another aspie dream come true. You're given lots of tips how to write one, all of which I followed (here being honest is good, for example I came clean in the ad about my 2 cats, my age and my passion for the Red Sox). But most importantly, do not answer any ads yourself. Let the men pursue you. That's what the book is about in a nutshell, and it shows you how to make it happen.

Good luck!

ann2

The way I would do things is try to ask the person out in a way that comes across as a 'friends' rather than a date thing. Something that shows wanting to get to know them, or do something with them, but not in a way that makes it like a 'date'. Then if things go well, I'd take it steps further.
I'm not sure how to explain really. Sorry!

I can't read signals. I can't make signals. I might as well be blind...BUT NOT DEAF.
I always make that quite clear that there's no use of signals with me,
SAY WHAT YOU MEAN WITH WORDS THAT MEAN WHAT YOU MEAN.

most men...don't really have signals
if your attractive-that's really the only thing going in his head
people build it up to more then it really is
trust me

I find it all to be really complicated and confusing. I tend to like guys who are basically shy / introverted (whatever you want to call it) but can act entertainingly eccentric and funny in social situations. And when I finally find a guy I'm really attracted to, I get too excited about it and come on too strong.

It seems like I'm always obsessing over some quirky, introverted guy, probably overwhelming him and scaring him away, while guys who I only want to be friends with develop feelings of some sort for me. I wish I could control myself and not come on so strong, but since I rarely have feelings that intense, I'm not good at hiding them. Yes, I could go out with one of my male friends who has a crush on me, but if the attraction is not mutual, we'll both just get hurt.

Maybe I need to practice "The Rules" (referenced by a poster above), which I found on Wikipedia:

The Rules is great advice if you only want a confident NT boyfriend. Basically, it assumes that shy/introverted guys aren't worthwhile.

I don't buy into that "confident jerk" BS either. Yes, it's unfortunate that so much of our culture, from religion to politics, is based on deception.

Am too scared to ask guys out-heck, I barely dare approach people, especially ones I don't know. Yet, I do feel guilty-that this means I'm expecting males to initiate contact-and I don't want to perpetuate routinely, unfairly, placing that burden exclusively on them.

Being rejected feels terrible, but rejecting someone else can feel almost as awful, though for different reasons. Absolutely loathe being rejected-but at least I don't feel guilty about it (instead I feel pitiful & self-righteous) the way that having to "let someone down without sounding like I'm a horrible person" weighs on my conscience.

So it's tough to brave the risks of being potentially in either position/stance/role, of disappointing someone or being disappointed by someone. Know that somebody has to do something or else nobody would meet anyone else, but is no easy task to disregard/ignore/dismiss my caution & anxieties. Trying to guess what's inside the minds of strangers (and make appropriate choice of response based on that) feels perilous & intimidating for me.

I think it's best to get to know each other as friends first. It can be hard to read signals from a stranger, or someone you don't know very well, but once you've become friends and gotten to know each other fairly well, it's a lot easier. And most of the time (but not always), the guy will ask you out if he is interested.

I have exactly the same problem as the OP. I tried to adhere to what my female friends told me to do but got so many contradicting "rules" that I gave up.

it would be nice to see some more posts coming from guys, that would clear things up a bit lol

BTW, don't you ladies enjoy your "advantage" in dating? Don't you just love the power to crush the hopes of any guy who works up the courage to ask you out?

Hello Alycat,

First of all, I must say, I do like the Rinoa Heartily icon you chose, very classy I think the best to understand guys is to be honest with them. The truth is that it really isn't your place to ask them out, in truth it is the guy's job to ask the girl out. Unfortunately this world is not a sadie hawkins dance. If I were you, and I liked a guy, I'd merely ask him if you'd like to hang out. If he accepts than hang out with him, and get to know him. If you feel like you're connecting, than just be honest with him and ask him "Do you like". If he says yes, then say "I really like you a lot too" and tell him about how you feel about him and if he feels the same way. If he does, wonderful, if he doesn't, hey you guys can still be friends, right?