when to give up?

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im NT and my BF (ex-BF?!?..i dont know whats our status now...) has AS. our relationship was happy in the first 4 months together but things suddenly went wrong and he became very confused of everything(including his feelings for me). i tried working things out with him for about 2 months but he let me go coz he thinks i deserve someone better than him. i tried not to communicate with him for about 4 weeks but the more it gets harder for me-there's never a day that i didnt cry and dont think of him. so i finally decided to initiate to talk to him again and this time i said ILL NOT GIVE UP! its been a week now that we're talking again and i do let him know that i still love him every single chance that i have (which he appreciates) but never did he reciprocate about it. i sometimes feel pity for myself and was deeply hurt about the fact that he can't even answer me when i asked him if "HE STILL MISS ME" or if "HE STILL LOVES ME". i know and feel that HE STILL DOES but what if im wrong??what if im just letting myself believe that he does? ooohh, if only i can read his mind....

would someone please enlighten me up to what my BF really have in mind ( in your perspective anyway..)

i am sure that i love him and want to share my life with him. he once said that he's not an ordinary person but that what makes me fall in love with him! i know he's not perfect and so do i....

so, would i still hang on to him to come back to me or is it time to give up? (well, i of course i wouldnt choose the latter)

in relationships, when you have to hang on so tight then it isnt working, nor will it work.
dont hang on so tight and for so long that you have to get thrown off.

while any relationships requires "work" if you have to hang on so tight, then it isnt healthy.

Wow, this is remarkably similar to my situation years ago. I didn't even know I had AS back then. But basically, I started going out with this girl for several months. We were intimate with each other but over the course of several months, I saw that she was falling in love with me, but I was not falling in love with her - even though I told her I was. As time went on, I was no longer able to live with the lie and realized that she would be better of with a guy that would really love her. I personally do not have the ability to fall in love. Not all aspies are like that, but I am. Several years later, she found another guy and married him. I was happy for her.

In your case, your xBF sounds a lot like me. I suggest that you approach him with the attitude that you will remain friends and nothing more. The only other option is to go without him all together. In any case, you need to start looking for another BF.

I suppose relationships develop just like many other things. Development reaches a point where things change and that's where someone with A.S. might want to get off the train rather than show how badly they do change (which can be embarrassing...). My advice is that confusing times are not good times for any decision (except in a matter of life and death). You might be better doing practical things together so that you can see each other as a person rather than an idea. Practical suggestions include buy a self-assembly flat-packed item of furniture (that takes care of four days). Walk someone else's dog. Buy some wood and make something.

As much as I hate to say it, this does sound somewhat similar to me... If he will NOT say, "I love you," then it is most likely that he doesn't feel it. Couldn't really tell you what changed; perhaps he wasn't getting enough "personal time", and felt like you were constantly in his personal space? There could be several reasons, I guess.

Anxiety is always the biggest thing for me, which could have a few causes. Having someone else in my apartment makes me just want to get up and do something like wash dishes, trying to work out that anxiety. I can tolerate it up to a point, though. Perhaps his anxiety levels reached "that point"?

I'm sorry to hear about it, for his and your sake.

The fact that he's saying "you deserve better" indicates that, whether romantically or just pragmatically, he does care about the way you feel.

Many aspie men have known nothing but rejection in their lives. The fact that you actually accepted him produced an anomaly in his mind, since in his mind, it can logically be based on prior experience that a woman will reject him (with 100% certainty). The fact that you didn't could be introducing the confusion you reported in your post. The reasoning behind his argument about "deserving someone better" goes thus: Since, by the above data, women have better things to do than go out with the aspie guy in question, she must deserve better than what he can provide for her.

Another thing aspies have an issue with is being uncomfortable in unknown situations. Did you try to take him to a restaurant (or any other similar place) that he never went to before? If you weren't sexually active before that, did you make any sexual advances on him? Such things would make him so uncomfortable that he would say nearly anything to get away from the source of discomfort.

Probably the best course of action would be to tell him, in plain English, how you feel. (if necessary, read your forum post to him verbatim, just changing the pronouns). If that doesn't change his mind, then this case would probably be like the one n4mwd described, and would probably be best to break it off.

Last edited by ToadOfSteel on 23 Sep 2008, 8:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

It's true what ToadOfSteel says, i do care for how you feel hon.

And it's also like what br0wser said, i do feel anxiety whenever someone tresspasses into my live.
I have build my life very carefully around fixed, stipulated patterns and i seldom leave this bordered path (hope my english is understandable?), when i met you i left that road and went on an adventure. I left my safe place and even went abroad. It went reasonably well, as you mentionned before: it seemed that in the uk i didn't seem to have AS at all! But once i came back home i fell into my old patterns again and can't seem to get out anymore.

Another thing is, when i go out i can see how men treat their women, they buy them nice presents, they are charming and smooth, they have mutual friends and so on... I don't feel i have this to offer to a lady. Also, and maybe most importantly, they got a steady job. Not to mention a nice car, house and money to spend on gifts and vacation trips.

Well, all i have to offer is myself, and even that i don't really can do coz i can only open myself to other people rarely. Most of the time i need to spend on myself. Do you remember when i visited you i spend most time on the room by myself while you guys were socialising? Even though i need that time to myself, it's making me unhappy that i can't just leave the room and join the others. Now i'm at my home by myself, safe and with no pressure at all.

Maybe i'm coward but at the moment i don't even feel comfortable to talk to anyone on the phone. How do i keep in contact with people? I chat... internet is my window on the world. In that world i met a goodhearted woman and i had a short time as normal people do. But, and this might be a shock to you, i'm not normal at all.

i do admire everything you said..you are young yet you sound very mature in giving advices..i guess you read all my posts and i think you made a comment in some as well..

can i ask a favor? i dont know what to say to MR. WANDERER...he came out in the open..im a bit surprised about it. would you mind reading his post and talk to him? i want to help him in many ways..he said when he's here in uk with me, he didnt seem to have AS at all but when he came back home he fell into his old patterns again and cant seem to get out anymore-if thats the case i want him to be here with me so that i can help him more..

everytime i hear his situation, the more its hard for me to let him go...

Don't get your hopes up too much... I've never been able to even get a girlfriend myself, partly to my being overweight, partly to the fact that, unconsciously, I have that "rejection complex" I spoke of in my previous post.


Wait, can you confirm that Wanderer is in fact the person you spoke of in the OP? There are many guys in that situation. If you told him about this site, then I would understand, but otherwise, be wary of who people say they are on the Internet...

Anyway, with that disclaimer out of the way, here goes:


Unfortunately, life in general is hardly ever predictable. Patterns are nice, I agree, but eventually you have to break them for something, whether you wish to or not. It's one of the harder lessons for an aspie to learn when it comes to survival in the real world, but once learned, allows for easier social maneuvering in the real world.


The way you see men treating women is often just an act. 90% or more of men are after only one thing: sex. It's the whole reason most men strive to climb the corporate ladder, increase their own social status, etc. It's all about mating. I personally think it's a travesty, as humanity is capable of sentient thought, which should allow them to override their base instincts. But then again, I've never found another person like me whose conscious will is stronger than his unconscious will (in most cases)...


The fact that you can admit this is proof enough that you can at least feel and understand her concerns, which in turn disproves that common-held (but false) notion about aspies lacking empathy.


It doesn't make you a coward. Many aspies (myself included) find text an easier medium to interpret than face-to-face or even voice communication. Everything has to be spelled out in text communication, since there is no room for non-verbal nuances that often eludes aspies in other circumstances.

I'm a guy and I've used the "You deserve someone better..." phrase before I knew I had AS. For me, it was a lack in confidence and fear of moving on to the next step in the relationship. Still kicking myself for that one because I still love this woman. Anyway, I think I had/have a harder time dealing with success than failure. If he has not had a serious relationship in the past then he might be in new territory and confused about what to do. Maybe, give it some more time and be up front with what you want and ask him what he wants and maybe tell him why you love him instead of just saying it. If things do not improve then it may be time to start thinking about breaking it off.

Hope things work out.

Wow. That was so romantic. Best wishes to you both. It's not such a terrible thing to be in an unconventional relationship.

to mr. wanderer, i dont know what to say anymore...maybe ill just give you this song:

After all the tears I've cried
You'd think I would give up on love
Get off this line
But maybe I might get it right this time

I was there as passion turned to pain
Sunshine turned to rainy days
Yet here I am
Ready to begin once again(WITH YOU!!)

All my life I've been a dreamer
Dreamin' dreams that always broke in two
But I still believe in love
And I love believing
Maybe YOU can make my dreams come true

Here content with who I am
I'm reachin' out my hand to him
Once again
At least I know I've made myself a friend

All my life I've been a dreamer
Dreamin' dreams that never quite came true
But I still believe in love
And I love believing
I'll keep on dreaming
Because I still believe in love

I still believe in love
And me
And you
I still believe in love

How is everything going between you two anyway?

still the same...but im happy coz at least we chat almost everyday now and somehow i know he's alright. i would say that this is the best experience i have in my lifetime...loving someone without expecting anything in return....though sometimes-i just couldnt help to cry...just remembering those happy moments we had before...

Glad to hear it. So long as you're communicating with each other, there remains room to heal...

This sounds like a very silly soap operish type plot. It is nice to know that love and care for him, but ultimately it is up to him to make the final choice. You need to tell him that, and tell him that he isn't going to get anywhere by bitching about love and loneliness when he has someone who cares about him right next to him. Sounds a bit ungrateful.