I wonder if I'll ever have a relationship..

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I'm 22 years old now and I've never been in any sort of relationship really. In high school it didn't bother me as much(I wasn't very interested in being in a relationship back then), but it's been getting worse as I get older.

The worst part is that a couple months ago I realized something. Most of the times that I have liked girls, they've just been shallow crushes on girls who would probably be "out of my league". There's only one girl who I feel I've ever been truly attracted to, and she's one of my closer friends. I talk to her quite often online, but she lives pretty far away from me and I rarely see her in real life(only 4 times since I met her 5 years ago.) Some of the time I just think of her as a friend, but when I see her IRL I tend to feel attracted to her.

This bothers me a lot. The fact that my chances with her are quite low makes it worse. Will I ever feel attracted to anyone else?

You came to this conclusion alot sooner then I did. This will save you alot of heartache later. Accept that God means for most people with AS to be alone and move on. I'm 40 and just coming to this reality myself.

Ken... I'm sorry you are discouraged and frustrated. It isn't easy, and it does entail a lot of hurt and risk... but I don't share your beliefs, and will not accept that some mythic figure has it out for me because I see the world differently. But it is a viewpoint that he needs to be aware of as an option as well.

D, don't give up, and don't assume anything. You have to assess chances, and choose your risks. In all likelihood, yes - you will be attracted to another... and likely another and another. When I was 23, I was deeply attached and involved with someone who had been a friend through high school. We did try our hand at the relationship; I loved her deeply, but things were difficult and eventually ended. That stuck with me for a long time... But I will share with you a little optimism. Over the past months, a relationship grew out of an old friendship. We are 1600 miles away, and had not seen each other in years previously... but something began to blossom. From an academic standpoint, I'd guess that 10 out of 10 would find her to be 'out of my league', and quite the polar opposite from myself... she's is a dynamic, brilliant woman, who in the years I've known her has had many men pursue her. But we are an incredible match, and we've chosen to take the chance together. Things don't follow rules, or even patterns, when it comes to matters between people. In my mind... date, to gain experience in what you enjoy. Take chances, because while you can learn from your mistakes, you can only regret those you never attempted.


M.

Yes, you can get attracted to someone else; it could be just infatuation.
Try dating other aspies!
I met my husband here on the Wrongplanet chat, believe it or not, and we lived thousands of miles from eachother.
I never dated too much before that, because having a serious relationship with an NT is so much work just to bridge the neurological gap between nt's and aspies. On top of THAT, you also have to work on your relationship. so it ends up being double work.
But with another aspie, you only have to work on the relationship (and trust me, all relationships need work.. it's no fairy tale).
So you can enjoy the relationship and not have to worry so much.
Good luck!

You will learn to love others if you let yourself. After my first rejection (looking back, the whole deal was kind of stupid, but hey, I was 14 at the time), I was still so attracted to the woman in question that I thought I could never love anyone else. But once I got over that (which took at least 3 years), I was able to love other women... though I'm still attracted to her, so I have to consciously shove it into the back of my mind, but it IS possible...

Thanks for respecting my point of view. But since all I ever had was rejection, thats all I know will happen to me. I don't regret taking chances when I KNOW I'll be let down.

I don't tend to agree with the previous poster (KenM). First, if there is a omnipresent, omnipotent and omniscient God I doubt very much that this God would have reason to segregate a tiny part of the population on a tiny planet in a tiny galaxy. It's just ridiculous to think about.

You say "the worst part" is that you realise you have genuine feelings towards a girl you currently have a relationship with, and from the information you've given it seems as though there is the possibility that she feels the same. I don't understand how this is a bad thing. I think you should pursue what you love. I might ask that when you see this girl, does she make the trip to visit you, or do you make the trip to visit her? If she is making the effort to travel across country to be near you, and that she gives much of her time to talking to you online (when there are limitless things people could be otherwise doing) I'd say there is a good chance that she likes you in a similar way. If you happen to live in the same country you've got it easy — people can always move cities, and if it doesn't work out, you've got a great new city to explore, with all its possibilities. Or perhaps if you let things advance along their course, she may want to move to your city?

It may seem hard to believe, but I've been told quite honestly that women are genuinely attracted to the qualities of someone with AS, those being utter loyalty, an unshakeable sense of social justice, a deep insight into humanity, kindness, and a genuine caring beyond sexual desire. You've been talking to her online for five years, which shows her you have a genuine interest in her, not just her body. Instead of thinking about what you don't have to offer her, think about the things that you have that not many other guys do — and I'm told that for the vast majority of guys, the aforementioned things are simply out of reach.

Hi Ken, I don't mean to sound condescending or patronising considering our ages, but I gather from your use of Rorschach, the character from The Watchmen that you identify with the character somewhat. I can understand this. I quite identified with Rorschach's quest for brutal social justice, his anger at what he saw as a corrupt and alien world, his self-loathing and his desire to hide behind that mask. However, remember Rorschach's fate at the end of the story? Do you really want to end up like that?

As for your comments about God; there is some literature exploring the notion of God when we consider quantum physics and the apparent 10 dimensions of the universe. I would suggest perhaps reading some of this, then watching or reading The Secret, which uses some theories of quantum physics to support its theory of the universe — it's terribly cheesy, but I quite believe the essence of its message, being that thought dictates reality. Also read George Berkeley's Idealism if you're not already familiar with the notion of "existence is perception". None of this literature discounts God, but certainly moves away from the somewhat puerile view of the "man with the white beard".

P.S. Everyone should read The Watchmen, it truly is the best graphic novel ever printed.

If women are attracted to such qualities, why do they eschew aspies in favor of jerks?

They want guys who are on their wavelength. Walks like a man, talks like a woman. We're not emotional enough to meet their needs. Plus they probably feel safer with them cos they can understand them and control them. Most Aspie women end up with NT guys so most of us are doomed.

Hey dont give up.

Can you tell me if there's going to be a paradigm shift in the next 5 years, where women will actually seek such qualities such as loyalty, honesty, and integrity, rather than false confidence?

I can only extrapolate how you would feel... but I have to make the case that it is all you may have had happen in the past, but it does not guarantee the same result in the future - and if you don't try, the chances lessen to near non-existence.


M.

I seek those things too.
I knew a guy who did, and he emailed me last week.
I told him to get lost.
Was I being careless?

Why would you tell such a guy to get lost? What was it about him you didn't like?

Those are the qualities that I look for , along with intelligence and a sense of humour and good work ethic. I found those qualities in my husband, who has AS.