Gifts in a relationship.

Post Reply New Topic

The weekend before this past weekend I was unable to go to a festival with my boyfriend because I ended up having to go to the emergency room and stay in the hospital for a day. My boyfriend did pick me up from the hospital and bring me home. He told me last week that he got some things for me at the festival. Well, he shows up with a plastic bag filled with some free stuff that they were giving away at the festival; some pens, a nail file, a plastic cup, etc. I know that it's "The thought that counts" but in a way I felt hurt. He implied that he had chosen something himself and I was very disappointed to get some junk that was being given away. I understand that he doesn't make a lot of money but he could have picked out something inexpensive for me such as a key chain or something like that. Just to clarify things, he didn't go to the festival the day I was in the hospital. HE went to the festival on Sunday. He works on Sundays so he just went for a brief time before going to work.

I don't want to come across as a materialistic ##$%%^ because I'm not. I don't really expect gifts from him all the time but there are some occassions when it would be nice if he would pick something more romantic for me. How do I bring this up with him without seeming like I am just after his money? He is sort of an old fashioned guy and he does pay when we go out to dinner or to a movie or something like that. He is a wonderful guy in many respects and I don't think this is a deal breaker. I am very sure my boyfriend is an Aspie. Sometimes he will say "There's plenty of food at the party" and feel like he is under no obligation to bring something when the host specifically asked on the invitation for a side dish. Often he will bring a bottle of, for lack of a better term, very cheap wine to a party. I don't want to hurt his feelings but sometimes he goes overboard on being thrifty. I don't want him to go beyond his means but sometimes it's just hard to feel special when it is a special occasion and he gives me a free t-shirt he got at work for a birthday present for me. Just a small box of candy, a bouquet of flowers from the grocery store, a small stuffed animal, a magnet, or something like that would do. I realize that gifts are not the most important thing and certainly gifts are in no way a foundation for a relationship. But sometimes I wonder if this means he thinks I am nothing special or he is just being his Aspie self? In every other respect he has been very good to me.

Yes you are ungrateful.

I'm the aspie and my husband the mostly NT. After a few years of all he could think of to give me for birthday and Christmas was a T-shirt he picked up on the way home, I told him I would buy the present, and after I wrapped it, he could give it to me. After several (maybe 20) years of that he got a clue and now he give me wonderful presents.

Your aspie likely thinks you will be as delighted at free as he is. Since you aren't, you need to tell him plainly and directly. If he can't change and you can't stand it, you ought to break up now instead of dragging it out.

Yes but he didn't have to get her anything at all, she should be grateful or the very least not moan about it.

I am a chronic giver of gifts, and am often the one who pays when we go out because he needs to conserve his money. My (very ASish) boy-pal happily accepts all the stuff i give him, and rarely gives me anything material back...in fact, he is very posessive of all his stuff which all revolves around his obsessions, and won't lend me a sweatshirt without reminding me that it is on loan ...but I really don't mind...i guess I understand the mentality even though i am sort of the opposite way....at appropriate times, like birthdays and hollidays, I am miserable at choosing presents because of all the pressure. My instincts totally crap out on me...and if I do give gifts, they will often be really bad.
I would not feel too badly about what he brought you..at least he brought you something.


On re-reading your initial post, maybe you could gently bring the issue up with him (if you haven't already)...otherwise he might just not know

I don't really think this is an aspie thing. He may well be, but that wouldn't have any bearing on the amount of money he spends on you. Have you ever been in a grocery store around 5pm on Valentine's Day? They're packed with panicked men picking up last-minute flowers and chocolates for their girlfriends/wives before they head home. It's a male thing. The aspie thing (in my experience, at least) is more along the lines of "don't see why anyone would want flowers... they just die anyway." At least he's trying to do romantic.

I wanted to add..in regards to my initial post..thinking that perhaps this thread might evolve into a basic thread on gifts in the context of a relationship....that in addition to being a chronic gift giver...under certain circumstances...my reaction to fancy gifts and fancy nice things is...how-you-say...not always appropriately enthusiastic...likesay i might act befuddled or neutral on receiving an expensive new ukulele....I might get cranky and nihlistic when treated to a fancy dinner....and then totally flip out with glee if someone brings me something I like (or collect) they found at a thrift store....not sure exactly why...

In my opinion, the fact that he brought you a bag of stuff, free or not is huge. He thought of you and he gave you something. Based on my relationship with my Aspie, I would be ecstatic with a bag of freebies from the fair. I really think in this case, it is the thought that counts. I've been to fairs and trade shows and getting free gifts sometimes, is really fun. Sounds like he wanted to share his fun with you.

I think it's stupid to value gifts in money and cost, especially things like flowers and wine which are a waste of money, being otherwise the same as flowers in my garden or "house wine".

I can understand the appeal of stuff like jewelry but if someone is disappointed by an appraisal then I would definitely assume that they are planning to leave me and steal money from me.

If someone buys me an expensive but useless gift then I would immediately trade it for wanted and needed things, and be very annoyed if they expect/insist/demand to see me enjoying their gift. But I'd be nice and say thank you but I'm sorry I didn't like it so I traded it for something else. I've also noticed that people who give expensive useless things expect to receive expensive useless things also. That's their problem.

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth" means if you get something for free you shouldn't look for reasons to complain about it.

I like free stuff. In the 1990s I had a 120 inch TV! The way I got it was someone at a sports club had two broken ones and told me to use parts from one to fix the other. But I fixed both and it was easy and I also got paid for fixing the first one. Now that there are 120 inch HDTVs that no one can afford I laugh. The only reason I still don't have my free one is it doesn't fit in my apartment. I don't watch much TV anyway. The person I gave it to is very happy even though it was free.

I think in many cases when people care they will give appropriate gifts based on your interests, at least that's what I try and do for my significant other , I would always try and pick neat things he would like based on his interests like a set of legos or an oddly shaped rock or maybe a book about something he likes.This year for his birthday I gave him a stuffed hedgehog and paid for his internet domains. Usually he likes what I choose, and he tends to pick gifts the same way.

I think gift giving can be a way of showing a person how aware you are of who they are and what they like, or a sign that they like you even if it's an odd thing like my cat bringing a dead animal. They don't have to be extravagant or expensive they can just show they were thinking of you, so it was nice of him to bring you something to try and share the experience of the festival.I think a badly chosen gift can sometimes be a show of how little someone knows or cares about a person, like giving someone who hates jewelry a big piece of jewelry (even if it's expensive) it shows a certain lack of caring.

I get alarmed though when someone gives me something really extravagant or expensive I tend to think they want something from me , but this is based on my early experience with people, although a lot in observation it does seem to be the case.

If either of my guy friends (ex and current) did that for me, I'd think it was adorable and sweet. Hell, they do do things like that, one especially (though I'm not technically in a relationship with him). I'd read it as a gesture of sharing the fair with me, unless the way he presented it said otherwise.

Now, if it were all done with an air of uncaring or apathy, I'd reconsider. If he was excited, I would share in that and tell him he was a dork for bringing all the free stuff from the fair.

I have several problems with gifts. The first is simply the money. Gifts (stuffies, jewelry, a magnet (?)) are not items someone makes use of. Money spent on dinner, or gas to go on a date, or movie tickets... Those are things that are used and help the relationship. (In other words, it isn't disliking spending money on my partner, it's how well I spend that money on them.)

Also, I never know when. Guys in general, esp. AS guys, generally just don't think "I should get them (flowers|jewelry|a magnet)", on the way home from work (or whatever).

Another is knowing what. For instance, I would never consider buying a keychain or a magnet to give to someone as a gift. I would expect them to be let down by the lame present, which would be worse than not giving them anything at all. Personally, I can afford half-way decent presents. But even still, that first time of giving (item) is nervous... Does she have some flower alergy I forgot about? Will she like a particuliar jewelry style? And it goes the other way too... Is there something that I'm supposed to know she would like better? Was there some flower she said she particularly likes? Was there some gem-type she mentioned at some point? Was there some particuliar gift she has mentioned that she wants?

Finally, I always worry she'll read the wrong thing into it. You bought me flowers! That's so nice!! What'd you do wrong?!?

Any rate, be straight up about your disappointment, but make sure it's not in a blaming way ("I'm glad you got me stuff from the Festival. It makes me glad you were thinking of me. But it bothered me you did not get me anything specifically for me. It made me feel like you weren't really thinking of me.") If you don't address the things that bother you now (be they little things like this, or bigger things), it will be much harder to do it later. He'll be thinking "wtf, it's been x years, why's it sooo important now?!?"