I just can't say no...

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I'm in a bit of a pickle...

Background:

My first boyfriend is a suspected aspie, who also has ADD. I "dated" him for seven years, before breaking up (on good terms) last December.

My second boyfriend has ADD/ADHD hybrid. We had a mutual "break-up" 6 weeks ago, which would mean we had dated for nine months.

Problem is, both of these guys want me back.

When I "broke up" with the second boyfriend, we didn't speak much for two weeks. He told me that he tried seeing other women, but he had bad experiences both times. He told me that both of the girls had a lot of baggage, and both attempts at dating them had ended badly. All in two weeks.

A month after I broke with the second boyfriend, the first boyfriend messaged me after nine months of silence. I had messaged him months ago, but he thought that I didn't want to talk to him, go fig. He had noticed that I "broke-up" with this other guy, and decided to see what I was up to. I went over to his house, and he wanted to do more than just talk, so I gave him a little "validation".

Now, with the second boyfriend, we still see each other often now, with quite a bit of "validation". The main reason why we decided to break it off was because he didn't want to interfere with my school work, and because he hated my parents. Now, he wants to get back together if he doesn't find another girl to try and 'see' in the next month or so. He says that the two girls he tried put him off of trying to meet new people.

The first boyfriend knows that the second still wants "benefits". But he doesn't mind occasionally getting "benefits" himself, although he doesn't want to get back together officially. He has admitted though, that he probably won't try to find another relationship.

My parents hate BOTH of these guys, and think that I can do much better. That's why I'm keeping my options open at University.

Am I cursed? I don't want to offend these guys, but what if I come across someone else? Then, I would HAVE to break it off with both of them, and it's very hard to stay "just friends". I don't want to lose these guys entirely, though. It just makes me more guilty when they say that after me, they don't feel like finding someone else and they just want me.

Make sure you all have STD checks. Are you cursed? Not by the sounds of things.

Ha Ha...yeah. They were both virgins. And always with a condom.

Personally if I was in a friend’s with benefits situation I would say as soon and either want to pursue are relationship with someone else then to finish on good terms.

Would you accept me as your third guy?

seems that you are a sweet girl with a couple of unlucky boyfriends. thats not a curse. just bad luck. i know it can be hard but its probably the smartest think to tell them that its not going to more than it is. if you dont tell them that its just going to be more complicated.

Hahahah, its a pain in the ass isn't it.

Life's just like that though. Situations will get complicated, people will be challenging your better nature, and plenty of times again in the future you'll be stuck with your own scruples questions nagging at your mind. I'd just say think on it until you can find the option that you feel is right (taking your own rights into the equation just as much as well and trying to view it from an outside perspective).

Past that I really can't make any suggestions, you like anyone else have your own wiring with its on limits on what sort of actions or movements through life can make you happy or unhappy. Just know yourself as well as you can.

Katie, you're in a peculiar position. I wouldn't say cursed, but you're in a situation that can backfire after awhile. You're ahead of the game by being above-board and upfront with them both, which is a saving grace - deception is a killer in these situations. First off - are you happy with the present situation? If so, then maintaining it is an option for you. If not, then you need to determine what you need, and whether either of the two can provide that or are worth keeping is a role beyond friendship. I would be leery of things, simply because it is a situation where they have perks - and so do you, if that is your perspective - but you are susceptible to being used or taken advantage of. Just my two cents.


M.

It looks to me like you all just want sex and are not truly interested in a relationship. So you are all using each other until you want a relationship. Be careful not to get pregnant or a STD.

Yeah. In fact, a lot of relationships actually exist just for that reason even though neither person in that relationship will admit it even within their own minds.

I could go on but I have nothing to offer but pessimism.

Well, she does have my permission to knock one of these guys up with her foot.

Your happy to be the girl that just hangs around if nothing better comes along for him ? .... I know I would not be doing that..



Just happy to have sex with you, but does not want to spend time with you ? ... hmm .....



What does university have to do with it .. surely University is for an education, not primarily a way to meet guys ? Or are you only planning on getting an education if there is not a bloke in the picture.



Why on earth not ? ! ! They are both just using you.. honestly .. get rid of them both .. imo. Have a little more self respect .. you surely are worth more than two guys " fall back option " IF no one better comes along.. seeing them is a waste of time.

What? I didn't say something wrong, I am a HFA fully grown guy so I also deserve some of this "validation for guys with special needs" service

Some "validation" won't hurt (but it would kill if some STD is involved).

...and she can't say "no", awesome!

I am finding that your shenanigans are most humerous, LPP. You are quite a character. Will you have mah bebes?

I think a sex change might be in order there, PhR33kY. Make me the godparent and I will shower your miracle babies with love and affection!

As for Katie, I don't think you're cursed, I think it's very normal to feel these things. I too am trying to keep my options open right now for similar reasons (I am not ashamed to admit this, I feel that I don't currently know any guys perfectly suited to me, and I'd rather wait a while before settling with someone I'm not perfectly matched to) however you are lucky in that you can still experience the physical side of the relationship. I could NEVER do anything physical with someone unless I was dating them exclusively. I see things too black and white. I only ever once made out with a guy at a nightclub (when I was single even, so completely permissible), and I know I probably won't do it again. I just can't bring myself to do that because it's just not me, and I could never do anything with two separate guys at the same time because I would feel like I would be cheating on them both and betraying their trust, even though I wasn't officially dating either of them.

So I'm pretty much stuck completely without any form of physical affection and minimal emotional support until I get over my confusion and figure out where I'm going with relationships, which could take a very long time.

Also, so you don't get the wrong idea, I do understand that dating is a grey area and what you are doing is quite common, and not necessarily wrong.

Well, the entire point of breaking with the second guy was to "see other people". But he just doesn't feel like seeing other people right now. Therefore, he wants me back, relationship wise.

The first boyfriend wants a relationship, but he knows that I won't take him back at that level. So, he doesn't push his luck. Still wants to spend time, though.

The "keeping my options" open at University was refering to finding a guy that is... on "the same level", as several people around me put it. It's not that only University educated people are "good enough" for me, but my parents seem to think so.