Flirting or "Flirting"

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This question is more focused on all the NT's out there. Or anyone that understands subtle, social and romantic cues.

I often have trouble telling when a girl is flirting with me. I currently work with two people who have a naturally flirty personality. It gets confusing. So, I was wondering if theirs any kind of subtle cue I could look for that would tell me it really is "flirting". Like she's really interested. One of the people I work with might be interested in me. But she seems like a really nice person, she just has one of those personality's in which you don't know where to draw the line between flirting and "flirting". If you understand, can you please give some idea of what a girl would say or do that would show she's really interested in you? Please help, before m4(-) h34d @5p10d3$ ! !!!11lll!! !

Quick before your head explodes! Does she ask about you or talk about herself? Does she listen to what you say when you're talking? Does she do all the talking? What kinds of things do you talk about when together? Does she touch your arm or make some kind of physical contact while talking to you? Take your clues from that. It should help. Making sure she's not already in a relationship first; take some time thinking of a cool way to ask her in a semi-dis-interested way so she's not put on the spot and you're not laying yourself open for rejection. Indirectly- "I like to go to/do/listen to/ whatever and I'm planning on --------- soon, I'd be glad to take you with me if you'd like, " depending on her degree of interest. You know you could always ask her if she'd be interested in going out with you, just straight out tell her you think she's a pretty special person and you would like to get to know her better, that's stuff that girls really like to hear... I hope that makes some sense. just remember some girls flirt just for the attention.

Hmm I'd stay out of it if I were you. I'm sure there are plenty of nice girls out there that you don't have to work with everyday. Flirting with workmates is one thing, but taking it further can lead to all sorts of trouble.

I'd say stick with the flirting as a bit of fun, but don't think of it as anything more than that.=

Here's some other threads about me, you can read them if you're a fan of my work:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=2349
http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=2667
http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=2799

My problem is I can see flirting loud and clear but I have no adequate means of following up on it. That and knowing whether I should or not doesn't get easier when almost all the girls I work with flirt with all the guys, stop just short of eachother, and it doesn't mean anything - they're in relationships. I usually just assume that the best and only thing I can do is maybe aknowledge it, maybe flirt back in the subtleties, but play it straight other than that. Evidently that's not what a lot of em want (that or I give em a little too much resistance - probably because I'm completely uncomfortable with and innept at schmoozing). I play it innocuous but that doesn't seem to satisfy anyone.

Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Does she touch you (e.g. on the arm, on the shoulder) when she talks to you?

2. Does she grab your hand at any point on conversations? -- this is better than #1

3. Does she smile at you when she sees you?

4. Does she playfully call your name for no apparent reason?

5. Does she offer to help you even when you clearly don't need it? -- always accept this offer

6. Does she tease you a lot? -- try teasing her back


If four or more are 'yes', then you have two options.

Option #1:
Ask the girl out. Do NOT, however, do it directly. Phrase the questions something like this: "I'm planning to do _______(activity)_______ on _______(date/time)___. I think it's a pretty fun thing. Do you want to join me?" I usually use the dance class I go to from time to time.

Option #2:
Do not ask the girl out. However, just enjoy the flirting and playful teasing. I once had a situation like yours, and this is what I chose to do. The girl you're talking about seems like a really nice, friendly person. Flirt with the girl when you see her, get to know her as a person, and just enjoy having her as a co-worker. Maybe later, when one of you leaves, you can switch to Option #1.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 11 Jun 2005, 12:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

She was in rebound, and I don't think she is anymore because she stopped. She's still unusually nice to me though.

Lol, you couldn't have been more right on all accounts. I think the most important thing above all isn't even just learning those things as separate from eachother but encorporating the kind of psychology about women that naturally allows for you to do that without even thinking - from the way your talking it sounds like your already there.

In my case I kinda wish I'd had a sister; I tend to notice that guys who have a sister or two, in their own age range especially, have no problem understanding the psychology of women just because they grew up with one or a few.

Also, just to connect the dots and supplement what you said a little more, women tend to like a guy the most when he clearly gives women a substantial ammount of weight personalitywise, takes them seriously as people at the same time (at the bottom line, it's good to joke with em unless you take it to where it jars their confidence in your awareness), in a sense which is pervasive and completely independent of interest, and most importantly it has to be a full emotional realization of these facts - not just a cognitive belief or understanding. Yeah, that seems like it should be common sense and to a point it is, but with some people it takes a bit of training to perpetually feel that at gut-level as well as convey it steadily (women are extremely perceptive in observing guys so no matter what you cognitively know you should be feeling, there's only one way to have your gestures and body language in line to that effect). It's taken me years of knowing that to finally feel like it's settling into my way of sizing up people and my surroundings every minute of the day. I also noticed years ago that even though it seems like some guys may flirt like geeks and treat women like objects to a point on the surface, if it does work you can alwatys see where they're doing a great job of showing nonverbally that they just playing and that they are squared away with the dignity of who their talking to.

Dignity is also another reason why a guy really doesn't wanna ask a girl out in so many direct words, it makes it sound like the guy has absolutely no idea what a relationship really is, what interpersonal dynamics carry it once its off the ground, and like the whole thing would fall apart the second the guy took her out on a date; not to mention that NO ONE likes to be put on the spot, if things are gonna happen right then they're gonna happen on their own to a point - the person suggesting that should also be thinking like that and just allow for an either/or date or friendly chill-session rather than asking her to (in so many ways) sign on the dotted line. Asking someone if they'll go out with you and going through the rote motions is like trying to make the relationship work from top-down command rather than from the ground up and following what's naturally developing and evolving from minute to minute.

In my case I used to have a harder time doing this with quieter girls just because they didn't get their personalities out as much or even inflect a lot of psychological weight into their demeanor at times but now I'm at the point where I'm getting better at reading demeanor as well as their preferrences, how they wanna be treated, etc. off of demeanor and the few scraps of conversation they'll put out. On the other hand though, I'm extremely careful to be on my most respectful behavior no matter what, keep my mind operating in that frame, and hopefully the attitude I've described so far will help land the kind of relationship I want in the end.

As for how I'll do with women in the future, I still don't know. I still feel like while I've taken major steps foreward in adjusting my own perspective and attitude like I'm only halfway there and if I did date someone she'd either have to either *really* like me or have a lot of patience to deal with the fact that I'm still partially out of alignment. Seems like women don't even want to deal with a guy till he's almost completely on-point like that (from their standpoint I can kinda see why) and I think I'd almost rather wait untill I can look at a girl and feel like I wouldn't be rubbing her the wrong way every 5 minutes with minutia thats based in poor motivational coordination.

On the bright side I'm a full time student right now, working part time; staying single just makes more sende for the time being. Untill my neurological and emotional maturity catch up with my cognitive maturity though I'm probably best off not trying too much to assert myself in the dating scene.

On the flip side of this - I couldn't tell if a guy liked me if my life depended on it...

I can tell when guys like me . I can't tell with women though. Either women never hit on me or it's just guys that are un-subtle enough for me to notice.

I am heard a lot of guys saying the same thing.

These days though I feel like most of the gay guys can tell that my differences aren't orientation-related. Then again there is a guy at work where I was hitting it off with him a bit talking about the party scene back in 98-99 and he kept subtly referrencing his "lifestyle" because he's kinda hidden about it and doesn't act swishy; somehow I got the impression he was trying to feel me out there but at the same time all the better, one more gay guy at work who can tell anyone who's worried about me not dating that "Nah, he's straight".

Can you tell if a woman likes you?

Hmmm...interesting that you'd bring that up. Actually, women who are attracted to me seem more likely than men to let me know. I'll be at my favorite nightclub, and women will come up to me to tell me that they think I'm hot, or that they like my hair/clothing/makeup/what-have-you. I have several female friends who are bisexual, and when we hang out, they're notorious for climbing all over me and trying to touch and kiss me!! !

I sometimes wish that I were sexually attracted to women, because I doubt I'd ever have to be lonely (or celibate) again...

Things would be easier for me if I was attracted to guys too. When I used be in a rather more social, studenty environment, I got a fair bit of attention from guys trying to give me massages, feel my ass, get off with me or just tell me how hot they though I was (can't say I minded with the last one ). Not a peep from the women though.

Of course, things don't really work out when I do get attention from women, but that's another story.

Does everyone get this, or is there something about asperger's that attracts same-sex interest?

Can't say I've ever been hit on by a guy. At least not that I noticed.

Mind you if they did I'd be all like "No way girlfriend!"