Older aspie & young intellectual woman

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I am a twenty-five year old very attractive, highly educated woman who has falled for her 50 year old mentor (not married, never had been, no children). There are no ethical problems that would jeopardize his position if I were to get involved with him since I am not in his university.

We have kissed in the past and have told and shown each other how much we care. The relationship had not progressed beyond kissing. Problem is, when I got accepted into an elite PhD program, he became avoidant and did not want to see me any more. I told him I needed him and he relented....he is still mentoring me (even though we see each other a few times per year because we live in different countries). He loves it when I tell him how wonderful he is, but what saddens me is that he will not make an attempt to call me. If I call, he is nice. When I visit, he can't control his arousal around me (see thread on Male Aspies arousal problem). People who know him well have told me that he really likes me. When he was asked by one why he does not ask me to marry him, the reply was that he is afraid of the age difference. That is understandable. However, me being me, I can only fall in love with someone of a high maturity level, and it is very hard to find that someone in my age range or even a bit older. I've always had thing for much older men.

The question is, what should I do to reassure him that I really like him and that the age difference does not bother me one bit. I would love to be with him. Should I pass the message through a common aquaintance or tell him directly?
Please give me some advice.

It's obvious you want a real relationship with the guy; however its rather obvious he is not looking for a real relationship or he would have already asked for more. I think you should enjoy what you have with him now and move on to someone who is looking for a equal relationship.

If you're going to do it, be direct.


M.

be direct, if only to make sure the message you're sending is the one you want sent (remember what grapevines do to indirect messages..

I have to echo the others' advice in this; Be Direct and don't hesitate. Age is a consideration, not a determinant.

For those who think age is of overriding importance, I'd simply point to the disastrous current divorce rate. Companionate marriage, as comforting as it may seem, sure doesn't seem to be working to well, does it? Romeo and Juliet were about the same age. Look where they wound up.

Romeo or RRRROMERO!

Romero, Romero, wherefore art thou Romero? I do want thee on my pasta!

He could be afraid. I have mistaken girls' interest in me, and as a result had sexual harrassment issue brought up. I do not make any kinds of advances because I don't want to end up on some registry.

Interesting scenario. From what you've told me, I have my own hypothesis as to why your mentor hasn't asked you for your hand in marriage. I think in a sense he is embarrased, I honestly think that he feels somewhat guilty that he is romantically attracted to someone 25 years his junior. Although it may feel good for him to be around with you, I think he's very conscious of what people might percieve of him if it came to light that he was involved romantically with a student.

It is about the sociological argument of deviant vs. criminal behavior. Being romantically involved with a man 25 years your senior is NOT criminal behavior (you're over 21 and are old enough to pursue that path), but it certainly is considered deviant, against the cultural norms of society.

As for you, I suggest that you have a heart to heart chat with this guy and figure where he stands, no need to go behind his back via a friend. That's my opinion though.

Do you have a picture of yourself? If so, post please.

My advice is to be direct and to tell him how you feel and that the age difference is something that you acknowledge but don't find a problem, in fact, as you point out, you prefer more mature men.

He may be concerned about how his family, friends and colleagues might look upon such a relationship.

My daughter, who is 22, married a man earlier this year who is... I think he's 41, or maybe 40. He was divorced, which concerned me initially, although it turned out he had been the 'wronged party' in his marriage breakdown. I understand that his friends were somewhat concerned when he and my daughter started seeing one another, in fact some of them really frowned on it, although they were eventually won round when the relationship endured (they were concerned for their friend, didn't want him to be involved in a fleeting relationship and for him to get hurt again).

Her husband's former wife and their grown up children said some pretty nasty things about the nature of their relationship, about the age difference, pretty sick stuff in fact.

Some people may say some horrible things about a couple when there's a big age difference. But all the matters, really is the two people concerned. And as in the experience of my daughter and her husband, even some of the objectors or people who initially frown on such a relationship can be won round, can come round to the idea.