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aspergian_mutant
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02 Dec 2008, 11:54 pm

I have Obsessive Attraction Issues.

When it comes to finely finding a girl I am attracted too ( and she possibly I ) it becomes hard not to become somewhat obsessive, its like I have no slow switch and it in the end scares them away.

I have been with a girl before that was the same way, it was sooooo sweet while it lasted.
there is nothing like feeling like you can cut loose and be your self with someone who can do the same.

thing is its so rare to find someone like that AND be totally compatible for the long hall.

so I am wondering, for those as of like my self, how the hell do you hold your horses at a trot long enough to make things work without ending up going full tilt? normally I would say indulge in another obsession, but for me when it comes to romance it just about takes me over above "most" all other obsessions.



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03 Dec 2008, 12:17 am

In many ways I experience a kind of mild obsession in the girls I become interested after general observation and limited social conversation (small talk).

I'm not sure I can be too much help as I frequently struggle with making the final leap to asking them out, but the general idea is to reframe the entire way to look at them...

Basically, you want to look at them as simply another human being whom you're interested in finding more about. Your emotions and desires can often override this to the detriment of your possible relationship, and sometimes we tend to put the girls we're interested in on pedastals of sorts - but the reality is that you know nothing about them.

Most, if not all, people try their damndest to put on a social façade that makes them appear attractive and interesting to other people, it's part of the social life. The idea is that you want to figure out what the person is actually like - to get their real self to come out. That is the general idea of dating anyway...

Again, look at the girl as simply someone whom you want to get to know, not as some magnificently beautifully wondrous goddess of love.

-- Now these ideas provide a good stepping stone, but more to your question: If you are lucky enough to get past that point, and the two of you open up to each other - give the girl space. Let her be her own person and don't smother her, as much as your infinitely deep well of love and affection may protest. You don't need to be with her and communicate with her 24\7, but I think you should still make it clear that she is the only person you are interested in AFTER it's established that you are formally "together", to eliminate the fear of you being a player or anything like that.

Primarily, the expression of your love and affection should slowly increase over time. After a year or more, you should be completely comfortable fully expressing yourself, but prior to that, the playfulness and "chase" of sorts is still important.

But what do I know, I've been single for just over a year now. I suppose "they" may be right about Aspies generally understanding the theory behind social interaction but frequently fail to put it into practice...

Take what I say with a grain of salt. Comments and criticism from others is not only welcome but desired.

(alt code 0231 makes the ç) :D



aspergian_mutant
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03 Dec 2008, 12:41 am

Dood,
Your thinking lust. love, beauty,

I am saying attraction for the person for whom they are.
A hunger to spend time with and be around, to get to know.
A constant thought of above most other (but not yet love)

but none the less, you say get to know them a year or two,

reread my question please, at the longest a month or two is the longest I can seem
to hold my obsessive interests/tendencies at bay before I start going into eclipse mode,
and even then thats a miracle for me to achieve unless the girl is not what I really want past a bed time companion.


Ya know what the sad thing is, in my youth I was VARY obsessive in many ways but over the years I indulged in the forbidden fruits of drugs and (gratefully) many of my obsessive tendencies and overwhelming thoughts vanished to the point I thought I was basically obsession free, in some ways I missed it because I loved how I could indulge and learn faster and more in depth then most people, but at the same time I loved how quiet my mind became and how many less social anxieties and issues I had, but in the last few years I weened my self off them and quit all together, now I have found that since my mind and body is about fully healed the mayhem of becoming more and more obsessive in nature is taking hold again, I need a new drug, yet I hate holding my self back from who I really am and my full potential.



Last edited by aspergian_mutant on 03 Dec 2008, 1:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

Fidget
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03 Dec 2008, 12:58 am

I get obsessive towards people, and it's not always totally sexual either. There are some people I just find interesting and I find I can't stop thinking about them. It's kind of creepy, but that's just the way my mind works.



Shadow50
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03 Dec 2008, 1:27 am

You might want to browse this forum topic as well:

Forum on Aspie Infatuation


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Legato
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03 Dec 2008, 2:58 am

aspergian_mutant wrote:
Dood,
Your thinking lust. love, beauty,

I am saying attraction for the person for whom they are.
A hunger to spend time with and be around, to get to know.
A constant thought of above most other (but not yet love)

but none the less, you say get to know them a year or two,

reread my question please, at the longest a month or two is the longest I can seem
to hold my obsessive interests/tendencies at bay before I start going into eclipse mode,
and even then thats a miracle for me to achieve unless the girl is not what I really want past a bed time companion.


I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but we are talking about the same thing. You are lusting, infatuated - even if it isn't in a sexual way. There is no way you can know love after being with a girl for less than at least a few months - you've barely begun to break down their social façade by then!

You can talk about a purely platonic attraction to their being - but if that's what you desire then just make friends with girls. Most girls are happy to have guy friends who don't want to have a binding relationship with them. When you cross the boundary into a boyfriend\girlfriend relationship, it becomes about discovering possible love and showing semi-sexual semi-loving affection. There is no happy non-sexual middle ground for the vast majority of people - though you can get purely sexual quasi-relationships.

Bottom line - you talk of romance and being "with" girls for the long haul... that's desiring love and long-term monogamous relationships.

Also, I used to be a druggie too, for many years. Then I stopped one day, big deal. Cigarettes manage my anxiety, and I have found better things to occupy my mind with instead of numbing it. Maybe you should go back to school and use your mind instead of searching for obsessive distractions? Just a suggestion.



aspergian_mutant
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03 Dec 2008, 9:29 am

its more like this,
sure a kiss would be really nice, hold hands, some intimacy.
but at this point I am not really interested in sex.
its the fun of sharing my time with someone, companionship with potential,
the intimacy of hearts and minds.
that first girl I was with went sexual fairly fast and that was fun, yes,
but thats not what I crave this time around, at least not yet.
and besides, I have known this girl for over 3 years now.


and apparently as you have stated you mildly have obsessive tendencies,
if this is true then you know damn well you can not just make your self interested in other things.
it has to come natural, that is unless your OCD,
I am just OD ( heavy Asperger but with less empathy issues and more TOM issues).

and as for drugs, I no longer want to be drugged, my only issues is sometimes it gets bothersome
when the mind is flooded with dominating thoughts that seemingly can not be turned off..

well,
enough said.
too many hungry trolls here, perhpas I should not have come back.
I just had questions.



Last edited by aspergian_mutant on 03 Dec 2008, 9:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

Butterflair
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03 Dec 2008, 9:56 am

I found something that describes this rather accurately and it helped me see what happens to me sometimes:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence


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Letum
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03 Dec 2008, 10:14 am

Butterflair wrote:
I found something that describes this rather accurately and it helped me see what happens to me sometimes:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence


Yes, that describes what has happed to me before.
It is a source of shame to know I can become unbalanced in this way.



Shadow50
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03 Dec 2008, 9:26 pm

Butterflair wrote:
I found something that describes this rather accurately and it helped me see what happens to me sometimes:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence


Thanks for the link Butterflair. It has answered a lot of questions that I had posted in other threads. It has helped me to understand myself a whole lot better.

I do think it would affect aspies a little differently as we would be less able to do the game-play mentioned on that website. I have always been totally direct with my gf about this and we have been able to find a balance that works for us both as a result. In my case any game-play would certainly lead to instability and uncertainty.

Letum wrote:
Yes, that describes what has happed to me before.
It is a source of shame to know I can become unbalanced in this way.


I don't see this as unbalanced, especially if we are aware of it. It is a beautiful experience for me, and I would never consider it a source of shame ... I do think, however, that finding a balance that suits everyone involved is important, and awareness should enable us to find such balance.


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Hector
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04 Dec 2008, 5:00 am

I don't necessarily swoon for every attractive woman I meet but once I start considering the possibility of asking her out, I go through all the "limerence" symptoms thus mentioned. It even happens to me with female friends who I think like me - "I like this person. Maybe not in that way. But maybe I just haven't considered it enough" - and seemingly gets in the way of their friendship. I wouldn't even say that it's all that voluntary, in spite of this - there's still a part of me that says "slow down", and I find it hard to argue with. But it's definitely a big handicap with me in talking to women, especially since I'm not that hot on small talk to begin with.



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06 Dec 2008, 3:23 am

I'm not sure it's being suggested, but I don't think these feelings of intense interest in someone, especially sexually, are just an AS or autistic thing at all. I've seen plenty of NT people, including my friends, go through their own insane and obsessive periods of romantic interest, even moreso than the possible AS people I've known.

Hell, there's a reason there's even a really campy 80s song called 'Obsession', you know. (Dear god, I've never seen the video--apologies in advance.)



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06 Dec 2008, 7:47 pm

Oh yeah, I've known a fair few people who had extended periods of obsessive attraction to others and at the same time I'm pretty sure didn't have AS. When I'm speaking of that in this thread I'm referring to my own issues rather than those I think may affect people with AS in particular.



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06 Dec 2008, 8:32 pm

Key to success here, I think, is

1) holding yourself back, just enough.
2) finding someone who doesn't tend to rush things, the way you do, and letting them set the pace.
3) not being hurt by the fact that they are not as obsessive about you as you are about them, and understanding that the two of you simply have different ways of reacting to new situations/interests.